Misanthrope Isotope

I'm really starting to hate the world. Well not the world, just almost everyone in it. Humans are one of the worse things to have ever happened to the planet. They are very stupid. Fuck everyone. Fuck 'artists', fuck police men, fuck models, fuck money, fuck bankers, fuck businessmen, fuck politicians, fuck straight people, fuck people who think they are cool shit cause they are so indi and you are less indi than they are, fuck elitist, fuck film makers, fuck actors, fuck men, fuck women, fuck children, fuck babies, fuck money, fuck white people, fuck Europeans, fuck bigots, fuck hippies, fuck vegans, fuck capitalists, fuck doctors, fuck morons, fuck happy people, fuck tall poeple, fuck strong people, fuck fat people, fuck religion, and finally fuck me. I hope the world ends in fire.

Potential Penis Pronoun.....ACTIVATE!!!

I've been thinking about naming my penis. I'm open for suggestions. I'm not sure what kind of mood or attitude I'm going for. Maybe something cool sounding but not obscure. Maybe something that gives me pleasure? Something I like to hold?

Evandro?
HappyStick?
Jake? Hmm that's pretty good. Jake Chan :D

Suggestions in the comments! Also does anyone want to share what they call their naughty parts?

Response To YT Video About Gay Sibling Incest

Please Watch The Video First Before Reading.



So first to talk about peeing in the shower to get it out of the way. Well there isn't really that much of a problem with peeing in the shower as long as all the urine does go down the drain and there isn't like small pools of it places just waiting to smell good. Also it's a bit of a health issue. I wouldn't pee in my sink. It's just common sense. But I am sure that if you did it a few times, you won't die, it's just kinda icky, and please don't pee in my shower. Thanks. Personally I've only done this when the toilet was broken and I really needed to pee and just made a decision not to pee on the floor or over flowing toilet. Also I have mental blocks which doesn't allow me to pee, and suppress the urge to pee, in inappropriate places like the shower or on the bus or when I don't have access to an appropriate 'place' ie toilet, tree bush, privacy.

And as for sex in the shower? Yes that's kinda gross too if it's not your shower but if someone had sex in my shower at least they got something out of it and not just defiled it for nothing. Also the fluids involved in sex aren't usually waste matter and filled with bacteria. But then again people like peeing on each other and themselves or drinking it which is there prerogative. I guess if you are going to give someone a golden shower do it in the shower cause you can hose that down instead of just buying a new bed!


On to gay sibling incest. So I've often thought about whether or not gay sibling incest is wrong. My instincts at first said yes and then my logic maybe.

First of all heterosexual incest is taboo because of the retard babies that you can have. Although it's not as likely as when a parent and their child have a baby, cuz that baby will fo shiz be F'ed in the A. So this is why that taboo is present. Also we have instincts which tell us not to have sex with people we have grown up with because of all the genetic problems associated with it and also to search out mates who are different than ourselves to promote genetic diversity. But in different people this instinct, like all instincts, varies and more so sits on a spectrum. Such as the instinct to stay and live where you were born and raised and also the instinct to move away from your birth place and create new colonies else where.Often times 2 tribes would trade young girls as a way to bring in new blood into the tribe and increase their genetic diversity.

So back to gay incest. If both parties consent and are over 18 then there is really no reason why they can't get involved in a romantic and or sexual relationship. There will be no retard babies.

But there are things to consider as to why you shouldn't. It is very possible that this relationship will not work out and if the split is not amicable then familial relationships will be strained. People may take sides and the family will be divided. This is an issue because your family is probably the only people who will always (usually*) support you. And many people derive a great sense of stability from this be it emotionally and or financially.

Also with current social mores you will probably lose many friends who are not understanding of your choice to be with your sibling, but this could also be said about homo/bi/trans/pan/sexuals to a lesser extent. But if you are willing to take the risks involved then go right ahead.

You could also argue that these types of relationships are not healthy because of intra-familial hierarchy of the elder sibling over the younger sibling even if they are close in age. But you could also say that what relationship isn't subject to hierarchy? If you think about most of your relationships with people one person is somewhat more dominant. Many times in more conventional relationship one person is much more dominant over the other which can lead to emotional and physical trauma. But in my opinion these relationships are more likely to happen in incestuous relationships because of the hierarchy of the family and also because of the stigma of incest, the way I see it is that the stigma of these kinds of relationships are very large and one can feel traped into staying in this relationship because they may think that other people will reject them because of their past relationship with their sibling or that if one sibling tries to end the relationship that the other will use the social stigma to their advantage and threaten to 'out' them to their friends and future mates.

Now personally I am not able to have these feelings for relatives. But IF I had a friend who entered a relationship like this I'm not sure if I would remain their friend. Saying that, I probably wouldn't shun them off the bat either. I would honestly try to work passed it and continue to be their friend as I would with any other issue.

But what I find interesting is that sisters having sex is a common fantasy for some people (mostly straight men) whether it be in a three way where the sisters only touch the man or that that also touch each other. The only reason, I can see, why this would be erotic is that it's an ego boost. That some how you are so attractive/sexy that you sent these sisters into such a flurry of lust that they defy their instincts and I guess morals to have sex with you. But what isn't AS acceptable is having the brothers fantasy. I think this taps into the same reason why lesbian porn geared towards straight men is VERY widely accepted than gay male porn where the audience is heterosexual females, which taps into patriarchy in society, gender roles, societies view on female sexuality, and societies views on male sexuality.

And to add another layer on it is the different situation of identical twins. From my observations it seems that this is somehow more acceptable because of the issue of identity. Where people often blur the lines of identity between twins. And in essence they view twins as a sort of collective identity or a single identity shared between two bodies. I think people think of it like this, if masturbation isn't incest because my hand is apart of my body and it's myself doing this to myself then is it wrong when twins do it? They are just an embryo that split into two, my whole body is made up of the same original stem cell but it's just divided and now some of them are my hand and the others are my genitals. Even though the logic isn't sound it doesn't matter. People often use illogical logic into making them feel better about what they think or do.

Also I would like to note other subtle nuances and factors. One is age, if the siblings are small children say 6-8 I would think there would be less socially imposed repercussions because adults and society at large would just wave it saying that they are just small confused children. Also if one sibling is much older than they may or may not have authority over the younger one. also it is a matter of how old the younger sibling is too. If it's a 20 year old and a 5 year old that is clearly abuse, children are not capable of consent. But if it's a 30 year old and 40 year old whose to say? Also I would like to point out the different between a romantic relationship and a sexual relationship. An asexual romantic relationship I think would be more tolerated than a romantic/sexual or a purely sexual relationship but maybe not by much.

I am interested in what other peoples opinions are about these topics. Please feel free to pass this along to others and to leave a response in the comments.

Differing Views On Gays In The Military

Here are some videos that illustrate differing views on why gays are not allowed in the military.

I Present To You The Devil!

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. WARNING THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN AND IS NOT SFW.

PFIZER FTW

I think my drugs are working well now, I am so productive and not in a crazy way. Just like a 'normal' way. I guess it's all about harnessing your vices.

Turkish Holocaust And Malnutrition

Yes, it's that time of year again. Canadian thanks giving. Lets see what I give thanks for. Hmm friends, family, and my health. That's all you can ask for with out being greedy. Well.....there is one thing.....which is Evandro. God yes I know I am an idiot. Lolz. I wonder why Canadian Thanksgiving is different than the US one? Who cares.

And just around the corner and 3 weeks away is all hallows eve. Wonderful. Lets just turn to our children and say, "Hey why don't you get fat huh?" "Let's be greedy :D" "No no it's ok to harrass people for ill gotten candies". But the one thing I do like about Halloween is that you get to dress up. Yay, it's really the only good part about it. Cause it's like a big costume party and everyone is invited. And you know how some people are about costume parties. They are such poor sports.

But what do these two things have in common? Decorations! And I hate them with a passion unequaled, even by my hatred of crocs....well maybe. I mean how many fucking witch bull shit decals do you need? Fuck all that motherfucking plastic going to waste all over the place. This is why I hate most hollidays. Cause they just make so much BS and trash. Why can't we just have harvest festivals. No decorations. Just occasions to get together and enjoy family. Not all this trumped up bs. Hmm I'm gonna post a picture later of what I want my costume to be for Halloween. Lets see if I can actually make it.

I Did Not Die

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow;

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain;

I am the gentle Autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush.

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft star that shines at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there;

I did not die.

tech center hot

RETRACTION ACTION!!

I'M SORRY! I guess I didn't know how hateful the things I say one my blog can sound but I'm fucked up anyways. I think to me they don't seem so completely hateful because I know where I am coming from and how I am saying it. That is one of the problems with text. It is missing the tone of voice, body language and inflection that would usually accompany the words so there is a lot lost in translation.

So I would like to say my apologies to people whom I may have offended. London Preppy for saying his blog is boring and repetitive. I guess it's hard to keep it new and fresh when you post everyday. And most notably Tim In Italy!!! Sorry buddy, what I've said about your comments are really uncalled for. You have been nothing but kind to everyone and never said a bad thing. Having said that....come on now *tilts head downward and to the side* I mean right? *looks side to side smiling* Just a little kiss-assy on the comments? LOL ok but yeah I shouldn't have done what I did!

I think what people need to understand about the things I say is that I EXAGGERATE a lot just to be funny. At the core of what I say is some opinion but then I just plop a big spoonful of BS on it. I think I just don't give a lot of importance to myself so then I think that nobody is going to care about my opinion and therefor what I say. So then I sorta just think I can say anything ridiculous I want.

ONCE MORE I AM SORRY I'M NOT REALLY THAT BIG OF A JERKFACE IN LIFE....usually :D

RIP London Preppy

Well I guess it was time for him to move on. By this point I throughly bored with his writing but yet still curious what fortune blew his way. [insert london preppy Athens video]

Hmmm

I think that maybe I need to not be so personal on this blog. I find it a bit TOO revealing. I don't know I just feel funny about it today. Or maybe it's just that overdue milk I accidentally tried to eat this morning.

I Want To Be Wanted

Do you ever feel like you like someone more than they like you? You have a friend that you seem to like more than they like you? Not that they don't like you at all but just not as much as you like them. You don't think they think about you at all and that the only time you enter their consciousness is when you contact them. I feel this way about my friend. It's just the way she is I guess. She is just self sufficient. She'll be happy with or with out you. In a lot of ways I like this about her because you never feel like she's needy. Or when you have her over that you need to entertain her or she will resent coming over because it's boring. Or that if you haven't called her in 3 weeks, she doesn't think you don't like her or are neglecting her. There is less pressure I guess to maintain the friendship in constant contact.

But It also goes both ways. I like that she is not high maintenance but also that sorta doesn't work for me either because I think I am high maintenance. I don't know. I don't think I want to have it both ways. Or that somehow I want it so that I can neglect her but still have her chase after me all the time. I think I want it to be pretty much the same but just that sometimes she would call me sometimes but that is unrealistic of me to think because she doesn't call anyone. I guess this is just my problem and not hers. I guess I just want to be wanted but not in an overwhelming way that it breeds obligation of me. I guess that is really a lot to ask for but I guess you always have to aim high to get as close as you can.

Addition:
Saying all of this maybe it's not that I need her (or any of my friends) to give me this. Maybe I need to find someone else to give me this. A romantic partner. Maybe I don't just want to be wanted. Maybe I just want to be loved. Maybe I want to love someone and have them love me. That we are equally enthralled with each other that we want to be together all the time. I think I need the intimacy and the human contact. I want someone who wants to touch me and kiss me and hold me because they want to. Because they want to be as close to me as possible literally and figuratively. But finding a boyfriend is harder for me than you think. I also think that being I guess emotionally unstable at this point it wouldn't be wise to enter into a relationship like that. That I have to deal with my own insecurities before I get into something heavy like that. That I can't look for someone else to complete me but that I have to be complete and for me to love myself before I can love someone else. But even so, a lot of people don't like themselves totally and completely ever in their lives and they are in relationships. Maybe I just need the human contact, just the feeling of intimacy with out the obligations. What I am saying is I need a good fucking. I think I just need someone to come up to me and push me up against the wall and just say, "I want you!" and kiss me and press against my body pulling at my clothes. In just a very base level lizard brain kinda way. Oddly all the guys who do seem interested in me seem to be white. And most of them are skinny white boys. Why is this?! Oh I remember, maybe it's cause I basically have no gay male friends. And definitely no male gay Asian friends to introduce me to any. Or any other race that is. I basically have two gay male friends. Maybe I should give Manhunt a try? I need a fuck buddy I guess. Oh and also to know not to kiss and tell. The first guy I slept with I ran around saying it was horrible and what ever and that he was a pedophile cause I was 19 and he was 28 and worked as a youth worker. And I kept saying, "The only person who got lucky that night was him!". HA I know I am too great. But yeah I guess I could have kept him as a fuck buddy but I've burned that poor little bridge a long time ago and have learned my lesson. Anyways what did he expect when sleeping with a 19 year old?

So if you are a really hot guy please send me a message. And if you also happen to be Evandro Soldati that would be a major plus. Screw it if you are Evandro Soldati I am yours, just say the word and I will hop on a plain, train, car, camel, Sherpa, or boat; anything to get to where you are.

You Will Not Break Me Down

NO NOT YET!!

NO!!

I WON'T!

I WON'T give up on life!

I am not going to give up yet!

I'm not going to go out like this!

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!

I can do it!

I CAN DO IT!

JUST FUCKING WATCH ME!

3 times!!!

Three is the number of times I cringed/gagged when reading the latest comment left by my dear Tim Of Italy. YES, yes I know there are other offenders of overly complimenting (in my opinion) London Preppy but for whatever reason (probably because he's old) Tim's comments seem to stick out the most. Maybe I will later skewer others as well. So here I will allow you to read the original comment first. Then I will have the comment again but with the grammar corrected (I usually don't care about grammar. Mine is usually crap but since Tim was trying so hard it felt like I needed to point it out.) and annotations.

[Note: Tim please don't send me a pipe bomb!!!]

Original

Hide under your desk if you want, you can't seem to stop your light and humor falling across the lives of others. You'll appreciate it in time. I agree that you have made the right decision, albeit probably terrifying now. The quote about others being jealous is absolutely spot on, you know. You've freed your self and are now marching to your own drummer. And that's quite an awesome achievement.

Annotated/Edited in green

Hide under your desk if you want. You can't seem to stop your light and humor from falling upon the lives of others.(First time I throw up.) You'll appreciate it in time. I agree that you have made the right decision, albeit probably a terrifying one now. The quote about others being jealous is absolutely spot on_you know. You've freed your self and are now marching to your own drummer.(Second time I throw up.) And that's quite an awesome achievement.(I didn't think there was anything left in me to throw up but I still did. I dry heaved until green bile came up.)

Hmmm I think I need to learn how to make LJ jump cuts on stupid blogger!

Me Incarnate

I think that if the idea of me were to be represented by a something I would say that it would be by two sea dragons made of mud and sand. Hmm I feel like I should draw this. I think I'll do that and then post it here.

Requiem For A Dream....And Then Some!

a retarded roseie ohh donnald, 1234 you are a good person you have a good heart as i hlep her pack her car she is movieng away
do you know where you are going? do you have a map?
no I don't, smart car, genre on the florr, we are in NYC
i get in with her and tell here i will help her plan the trip atleast
we drive around for a while, she freaks out and i am telling her what to do,
I am driving next and she tells me not to turn the wheel so much because as not to show off.
go up some ramp in an alley to a safeway and it's ery steep and then she tells me to takke it very slow going up it.and that toehr driers wll think "oh look at them they know how to drive but are not showing offf"


the main character from the ovenant is there and he has about 3 guys with him, and they all have powers but not like in the movie more like mutants specific powers. and then they decide to pick on one kid who looks like the guy who played angel in xman three, and the deside to play with him. not sure if they know for don't know he has freezing powers but e does. cut to a bar with multiple levers accessible by height. and we look at a private kinda booth and there are the main charaters int here and the lead is getting a blow job from the new recruit and he cums in his mouth. Pan out and you see that the whole club has turned into a sex bonanza but oddly... there are no women.... he he he. I like how there is like one woman in my dream and she is a retarded lesbian fatty. Hmmm i wonder if that means anything lols. and then lead gets out of the hottub shaped booth and then exits the club, and you see all around once straight guys writhing all over each other. and still in the booth you see the other characters fucking and sucking. The lead or another character used their powers on the club to make everyone start to orgy. the lead while stepping out says something like "ok thst is enough" or somthing like that. and then steps out and steps back in. onece he's stped back in he sees that all the guys are stunned and don't know why some are half naked and flys open and are ontop of each others or just had their buddy's dick in their mouth or they they were just kissing. The lead says " ok tonight i am the rat" as in gym rat and then he goes around inspecting the bodies of guys dolling out crits on their body and telling them to do more crunches or more push ups. And all the guys are so shocked and stunned at what they were just doing that they all rather agree to this ridiculous premiss to explain why they are half naked and to ignor that they were just doing to each other. Lead walkks and talks and makes it way back up to the booth and he sits on a wallbench with fire and in the fore ground you see ice (the new one to the group) slumped over the booth towards the camera/viewer/me and lead sits down and smiles at fire and bask in the after glow of what they have just done all smug. and then some fire starts to form on his arm and he brushes it off, ( i think my mind just mixed things up and it shold have been ice) and then blue ice shoots out of ice and fire is frozen but then quickly uses fire to melt it and then fire tries to fire ice and then ice is unconciously fighitng back and his ice blocks it and then his powers start to shoot both lead and fire freezing them fire trys to melt it off him and lead but they just both get pwned and are in big blocks of ice.

after they are in a convertable by my house a seafoa colour one reall old style and then fire is pissed at people i think and then he touches ice and there is a green glow and it transfers from fire to ice and ice stands up gets out of the car and shoots him self. and then fire grabs lead and he feels the green glow on him but he quickly grabs the other guy in the car and presses his head to him to keep the glow flowing from him to the other guy, he regretfully does this but he doesn't want to die. can you blame him? And the poor suck just uses his powers on himself and goes poof. lead steps away as to not get grabbed again and fire drives away.

there is apart wehre we are in a casionio an tere are cirular sofas and i am robert deneror and there i sa movie that he stars in but doesn't know what is going to happen or he doesn't know hes in it and that's why his performance is so great. also soemthing about walking down stairs and having harison ford there and then something like is harison for shorter in person and the answer is yes. and also there is osemthing where harison ford ia requested to talk to the public through a hed set and soething an there are girls but where he talks through this thing it's delayed andthe girl slash me desides that i will only talk through the head set and not listend through it and harison will patch his voice through the loud speakers and i will just listen with my ears not the hear phones/ in the casion roert like is awkward some people try to greeat him but like he just likes to walk in a circle and then feels emarrassed and runs away and then jump flips onto a scircle sofa. and then there is someoen else in the sofa, i tink my bro or somthing but some body i know and at this ont i am me an dten a wairter comes by and stars to spin tese botles onto the rubbers waters circle sofa whic is pink and fuz and then theres botles are blue and nubly and i sa they ressemble te aquatic centere in my head but i donnt' say ti out loud because this is some how in the past like o five and ten the witer some how knows what i thought and then says it and then i dondno splahes a botle of oranges crush on himself andn then like runs wor sotmhign and i kill him maybe and he says this is all aaprt of the chines plan to something or other and then he implied tat the chinese werw albel to change time and something like go back and forth in time and influence events. And then roberts or harrison walk me bak to the hq and there is a vault there and we put soemthing inside but i think i want to keep that thing for myself. or steele someting ot the the vault because the fault i s filled iwht many articats with magic powers. the doors are seal wth two handles that ou hae to turn to the pright place and they will open. A woman at the HQ who seems to be leaving in a hurry in a gown sorta like cinderellas gives me the pass word to get into the vault and smiles like we are friends and dashes away to her yello cab. She's written it in silver pen onto an old envelope and hands it to me and there is some guy who trys to see what it is and i milke fuck off and he keeps trying to see it so tear off the bit that has the code on ti and fold it up and put it in my enderewar for safe keeping. I never actually enter the vault in my dream, to bad cause it is fwicked. Filled with so many cool magic relics and amulets and objects!!!/I think i just came thinking about it.


somting about a character begin from cali and that peopel were disappointed that he wasn't from cally and thatn there is some movies aobu xmen and it takes place in new york and there is a sceen where storm makes soemthing hit an air craaaat carriers and then she says that ti doesn't matter how many people die when something something about being persecuted or seomthing about that. and that the cali person had like freeze powers so this character was iveman or something and then he should have vlonde hair and be from cali but they change it and also there was a previous sceene where they show him but with a different actor playing him and he has blond hair so people are confused.


Then there is a part where im in some kinda of competiton of sorts and when you lose you just die. and then you have to keep going up higher and highher ina a tower and move up the levers and then there are toher players and you can help each other or fight eacah oether but only one can win. and at some point nenar the top all the floors turn flacid and flop around in the wind like paper. and everyone starts to fall. i grab ontp a ledge and so does a guy and a girl and the guy doesn't want to let go of his necklave in his hand or somemthing and is trying to hold on and stuff but he is also infront of a hatch we can go inside and not just be hanging of the side of a building. so then I grab his neckalae so he can open the hatch and i put his necklace in my moutha laong with my shiney green and blue necklace and the girl is between us. and then he tries to open the hatch but he is a dumb ass and can't open it and heis hands get tired and falls. I could have saved with with like my strechy arms but decided not to, cause now i have his gold necklace and i am sure i acan open the hatch and thenn the girl falls too and im like omg you guys just suck and i try to open the hatch and i keep trying and stuff and then i stand more upright to give my arms a rest like any smart person would do and then there is a call over the loud speaker that the game is over and then we have to evacuate and then a hellicopter comes and picks me up and there are the other remaining contestants in tehre
and it's like the chopper in black hawk down and then i am sorta stick half way out and we can see the city we were in is under attack and then we see guns and things shooting and some starts to shoot at us a bit and i can remember too much if we crash or not. but it sorta looks like we are in afganistan and we are int he movie black hawk down....

And then there is a part where i am a owner of a shop and i live on amountain and i have a wife and kids and then the shop calls me and ihave to go down the mountain with my family cause they can't be alone there and then we go in a really fast car and when i get down there the guy at the shop tells me hes' called me down cause he wants to know what i think about the flamingo display and ten i get angry with him and say that he knows i livev on a mountain and that he shouldn 't call me down for stupid shit like this and that i look at his name tag t see what it is so i can fire later. and then . as i walk away he throws a super shape card at my head ans takes off my hat and said that this is the real reason he wansts to see me and then i was like who ok. And then he says he can only do it with cards and i have powers that magically cut things but i dont' have to touch the or throw things i just kinda wave my arms. and then it turns into some weird kinda chase through the country side and we end up in this garden and he is there and he wants to fight me and then he keeps throwing cards at me but i just cut them up and at the same time i cut his face too and then I think ok just keep pressing A button alot and you will be ok! and then i think to myself he will run out of cards sooner or later and then he will be powerless and then all this tie we sorta circle a bush and then the poor bush gets desimated. And then i do my final strike and i jump and lung at him smashing the a button and then ti fades to black.




and then final chapter is jthat there is some asian mom and she ahas a kid and then the kid is retarded and then he seems to liek me alot and then when he invites me to go see a britney concert i just say yes and then when we get there i don't have amy ticket and then i go to find him and then i see he has fallen down the middle hole part of a square shaped stairwell and then i just down after him and in and at the bottom i find that there is a bad guy who can multiple and then all the multiples are running around and hitting me and i have to evade them and stuff and then they all look the same and i havev to kill the real one but they all can still hit me and then the way you can tell which is the real one is that it is really fat and then al teh copys are yellow they are all clow ggirls running around. ad then i see the fat one and i do a donkey kick and kickc it in the chest and the all the copies disappear and then i win. and then there is also some thing where i am in my bros room and then my older bro says mean things aobut the kid and then the kids are in my room and then they hear it and then he comes into the room to take his clothes away as if to move out and then the mean bro says oh you dont' ahve to go and then i khelp the kid pack and then there is a weird part where the kid describes the evolution of the home and how there were dirt floor s and small houses but now therea res bigger and have carpet and this is all showen visually in a weird kinds crappyily done 3d model and then in the modern house tere is a pohont that only has one to six on it and have weird old timly buttons like in 1940's scifi movies and then he talks about what a phone does.

side note clay aiken is a huge homo and finally let his rainbow out of his closet.

Dream

bike to school
hayley and nother girl
i see the sky train
i go there
i go up the escalator but i forget to buy a ticket
i go back down cause my friends tell me
but it's too late and the alarm goes off and 5 police peopel comme out
they poinnt their guns at me i especially remeber thet woman pointing it at me
and tell me to put my hands behind my ears and then they take a picture of me
and we get onto the sky train and they are taking me somewhere but slung around my shoulder is a M14 colt and they didn't even bothher to check that but only really cared about if i bough my tranist ticket or not
and then i point my gun at the femal officer and tell them this" you guys are retarded, you care so much about my tranist fare you didn't even check if my ASSULT rifle is working or if it had any bullets in it, and then i point it at her some mroe and i wake up .

hehehehh i am drunk, don't tell anyone, it's a secret hehehhe

No Blacks, No Asians, No Indians, No Fatties, No Shorties, No Fems, No Fags, No Jews, No Muslims. Looking Only For VGL SAG Tall White Guys.

How do you feel about the title of this post? Do you feel completely at ease with it because you've seen it over and over again. Maybe not as offensive as this but pretty close.

You'd think that as a minority that we would strive to be inclusive as possible because we already know what prejudice feels like. Some say that someone's preference of the race of their romantic partners is unchangeable. Just like how you know you are gay and don't like women. Therefore it is not racism; it's just how they are wired. Yes granted attraction by definition is indeed discriminatory. Most people are not able to be attracted to everyone and anyone. I am not only saying this as a gay Asian male, or GAM (shudder, clearly just turn me into an acronym so you can dehumanize me making it easier to dismiss me and discriminate against me. Why don't you just say no faggy chinks or how about one better; just call me an insurgent?) but as someone (shamefully and regretfully) who used to have these prejudices( A LONG LONG TIME AGO).

I once thought that I was only attracted to white men and that everyone else was excluded. Then one day I wondered why I thought this way. Especially against my own race? If that isn't self hate I don't know what is. Eventually I continued to mull it about in my mind and the more I thought about it the more ashamed I felt. I grew up always thinking that I had no prejudices and that I was open minded but clearly I wasn't and I am still not free of all prejudices. It is just human nature to try and expect what is to come next. I can't think of any prejudices that I have but I am sure that there must be something and to combat this I always question why I think or feel the way I do about everything. That's the best I can do. I think I used to think this way because I grew up in Canada and all the TV is American and hetero-normative and Caucasian centric. So I was used to what media told me what was beutiful ie straight white males. Basically I was white-washed.

Also I consider the fetishization of certain races at racist in some ways. One guy told me he was an Egg; meaning that he maybe be white on the outside he was yellow on the inside (THROWING UP). And that he had yellow fever. It's just objectifying a whole people when you talk about them that way.

So what's the point of this post. Well I don't want to sit here and tell people they MUST become attracted to Black people or Asian people or Fat people or Trans people or who ever; because attraction is very personal thing. I have no right to sit here and tell you that you are racist and that you are wrong for liking who you like. All that I ask is that if you exclude any group outright for any reason that you at least question why you feel that way and just to think about it and maybe going from "I don't date blanks." to "Let me meet them and I'll tell you if I like them.".

Nothing is Free

Nothing in the Universe is free. Not anything. Not even love. Everything has a price because you have to spend time to get anything; and your time is the most valuable thing you have.

MR. STYLE

Also if you haven't already gone to Where the Lights End or Kraut Boys you should they are written by a great guy who comments who goes by the name of Mr. Style. You should really check his blogs out, he has a great eye, I think he's going places.

Look Book

So an acquaintance has told me there is a website called Lookbook where you can post pictures of your outfits and then have people vote for them. So like hot-or-not but with clothes. I instantly wanted to join. It sounded like fun, I mean who doesn't get humiliated enough, everyone needs to get that extra from random people around the world right?

So I checked this website out and indeed the people do dress well. But what perturbed me was that a lot of them were very young. More than a lot, more like most of them around 15-17 years old and mostly from Copenhagen, Denmark, Paris, London and surrounding countries. All very Netherlandy. Wow kids over there know how to dress. They are so dope, and also some seem to have quite a bit of money to spend on expensive brands like prada and dolce. But that is only a few of them.

The most surprising person I found on there was Jennifer M. a (supposed 10 year old girl who is from Venezuela but now lives in Florida. And let me tell you she has more style than most people and she is FUCKING 10 FUCKING years old! Take a look for yourself. She has some mad skills. But I suspect that her parents are arty or have something to do with clothes so then she's picked it up from them some.

Oh I also found Sasha Hilton's profile there too. He's a 17 year old kid from Paris who has a blog ,that I've neglected to put up in my blog roll, that has all of this photography of beutiful things and some of those being himself in his great outfits. If you haven't been to his blog yet you should. A link to it should be up after I post this.

So then I see all these wonderful things and arty people and want to join. BRICK WALL! I should have known. Just like The Fashion Spot, this is an invite only website. How typical of the fashion world to be so exclusionary and elitist. But unlike TFS you have a chance to gain entrance by applying to them. Presumably to tell them why you think you are a good dresser, how you are involved with fashion/art, and to show them examples of arty/fashiony things you've done.

I think maybe I'll try to apply to them but it's really icky thinking about doing that. It's like I have to grovel to be apart of their club. Fuck that noise. But still I understand why they did that. They didn't just want any jackass joining and posting up their crappy outfits and cluttering up the site. Also they moderate all the photos so then if it was wide open it would be hard to sift through all of them.

sidenote: the creators are from San Fransisco, so why are all the members from European countries?

Medicinal Potpourri

So yesterday I go to the Doctor and she gives me my refill prescription. She asked if I was going to see the Psychiatrist again. I said no because I am not going to take classes this term and the Psychiatrist strongly communicated that she'd rather I find someone else outside of school to seek treatment from. The Psychologist also said the same thing. So the GP look disturbed by this information and said that she was going to have a talk with them because in previous appointments the multiple doctors I've seen have said that if I was planning to come back to school next semester that they would bridge the treatment. Clearly they all have a different interpretation of what "bridge" means.

Also as she is writing up my prescription I ask her if I can still donate blood while on SSRI's and she said for sure. Not that I should be donating blood because in Canada they don't accept gay men's blood, something about trying to protect the public from catching the gay. Then I ask her what they do when they harvest your organs when you are an organ donor. That if they have to make a decision where there is a very slim chance that the patient will pull through and harvesting the organs quickly as to get them on ice as soon as possible. She said that 3 doctors have to examine the patient and then they all have to agree that there is no chance that the patient will live. "They make sure that you are quite dead before they do anything." she cheerfully chirped. She then asked me if I was thinking of hurting myself as if I was panning to kill myself and then donate my organs at the same time. I said no and that I was just asking because Canadian Blood Services sent me a letter asking if I wanted to be one.

When I look at the prescription to see the amount she gave me I couldn't see any discernible number only something that looked like "pood" and I thought maybe it was just a badly draw numbers or some kind of lingo that they use to denote one month. When I go to London Drugs to fill out my prescription I ask the guy, "That's for a months worth right?" and he said, "Hmmm there doesn't seems to be a written amount here." *smack* Silly GP was distracted by my organ donor inquiry that she didn't write down the number of pills to give moi. I should have just written on the damn thing myself and put like 600. The guy asked me if I had anymore and I said no so then he just gave me a days worth and I'll have to come back tomorrow after they have called my GP to confirm.

edit: I did get my meds and I am happy for it because when I ran out for two days it was like the air suddenly turned viscous and i was super tired and nervous.

It is now morning and things don't seem so bad in the light of day.


edit: The last few post where I am all frazzled and confused and depressed is what was going through my head at the time. Live blogging or Stream of Consciousness blogging. I would never kill my self. There are so many things I still want to do. :)

Why doesn't anything make sense anymore.

Why don't I make sense anymore.

I don't know who this person I've become is.

Why can't I BE NORMAL.

Why does it have to be so hard.

As I look at all 209 photos of Matt Loewen all of the smiling faces seem to be laughing at me.

I think I've totally lost it now. I've gone too far. I am too far gone.

Why doesn't anything make sense anymore.

Why don't I make sense anymore.

I don't know who this person I've become is.

Why can't I BE NORMAL.

Why does it have to be so hard.

I miss my Dad.

Maybe I should go join him.

Why does it feel so cold when it's dark.

Why do I feel so cold.

Why can't I feel anything. WHY CAN"T I FEEL ANYTHING!

This is not right, I am not okay. I am not fine. I am not FINE.

God looking through all the pictures of Matt Loewen on Facebook has made me trigger my shame reaction. My shame reaction is a chain of events that leads to me being depressed and full of shame. This is where I idolize people and then become envious and then depressed that I'm not them and then even more depressed because I envy them for such a ludicrous reason.

I am so depressed at this moment, I'm probably going to kill myself soon. Yay. I've been saying that to myself many many times in the past week. I've been imagining how to do it. Where to do it. Wondering how long it would take for someone to find my lifeless body in my room, my blood running out of my veins and pooling on the grey carpet. I'm not sure I feel so safe anymore on my own. Maybe I need to be committed? Maybe if I need to committed I should just kill myself. At least I wouldn't feel this way anymore. I need to find something to live for.

Fuck.

I'm screwed.

Underground Railroad

So see the thing about Facebook is that people don't really know how to make their profiles unsearchable or invisible when you click on someone they know's "view friend" button. So then all you really need to do is find one sucker who didn't safe guard it and they have reviled the whole network of friends. And there is no exception for the fashion industry. So keenly I've looking through many a model's friend list and was surprised at how many SUPER FAMOUS people they know. Like Coco, Ambrose Olson, Will Chalker, Sean O'pry, Freja, Gisele, Tyson Ballou, Daria Werboe Lily Cole, Hedi Silmaine and so many more. But the only one to escape my reach, ironically, is my dear Evandro Soldati. Alas I looked through all the friend lists of all of the other Brazilian models, thinking that they would friend each other, which they do, but Evandro saw fit that he would not.

BUT, there is something weird going on, all of them didn't have an Evandro but they DID have an Elana Soldati. Fake name perhaps? His sister? We will not know any time soon.

Another thing I noticed is that models from my home city don't seems to set their profiles to privet. Strange. maybe they are more down to earth and don't think everyone out there is trying to stalk them.

Another thing I found out is that Matt Loewen has his tongue pierced and he smokes. Yuck. That is such a turn off smoking. But I'd have to say I'd probably still do him if he made the slightest move on me.

Model Friend

So my friend is studying design in University and she has been presented with an assignment where she must create a ten page editorial for a magazine and she must be able to tell a narrative with the pictures. She must pick an interesting model. Naturally she asks me and I , in a cloud of vanity, accept.


I guess a little back story is needed here. I've known this girl for 7 years. We became really good friends in grade 8. One day in grade 10 we are having art class together and I start to realise that all she is doing is repeating all my old jokes to me or that that whole time I'm the one talking and making all the jokes. And when she tries to add onto my joke (and fails) I just mentally ignore what she's just said and think about my own joke and keep laughing. She has no opinion on anything or anything interesting to say at all in general. I don't know how she has any friends. Maybe it's just because she's a push over and you can make her go along with anything you say and she will agree and say you are super great.

It was quite disappointing working with her. I don't know what I expected, I already knew she sucked at art and design but I thought that maybe she'd have learned something from school by now. I was wrong. She had no vision of what she wanted to do. I basically did the whole project for her. If I could have taken the pictures and modeled at the same time, I would have because working with her was frustrating beyond belief. I wanted to let her take control but she really just couldn't, so I just trampled her and dragged her around down town telling her to take pictures of me in places I've chosen. After every few poses I say, "Show me." and she obediently comes to me and shows me the shot. I have to do this because she has no idea on how to direct a model. Where my eyes should be looking , what my hands are doing, what kind of expression I should have on my face. I also give her the whole concept of the editorial and choose the clothing.

Surprisingly we (I actually mean me) are able to get some good shots. I'm pretty eager to see the final project and see what kind of grade she gets. Even if he layout is crap my pictures and their composition are good. So it's all up to her.

In total we had to have 3 separate shoots to get all the shots she needed. I'm pretty tired of her boring ass company. And she owes me money.

Monsanto Bring Me A Dream (opps you just did)

I think I've just found like the greatest present ever. Someone needs to buy me this, or I'm just going to have to buy it myself.














Yes it's like a dream come true. You can have for the very cheap price of $12.30 and $23.65( SH not included) get your very own Monsanto Corporation baseball T or cozy hoodie.

Check out the other garments they have for sale : http://www.monsantostore.americanid.com/ProductList.aspx?did=1845

It's like the best thing I've ever seen. It's like walking around with a shirt that says you work for the devil. The only thing that would be better than this is a Pfizer clothing line. Oh sweet Krishna if anybody knows where to find one I would gladly blow you.

ONE THOUSAND!!

I have finally reached 1 thousand hits on my blog, I'm pretty sure that about half of them are mine.

DOSA Some Crazy Clothes.

So today I've gone out in a completely ridiculous outfit. It looks like I am a mod hipster from London. It was pretty great. Maybe I'll post a new picture up on here so you can see the ridiculousness. I got dressed up because I took my friend Kookie out to dinner for dosa's, an eggplant alu dosa to be exact. Dosa's are a South Indian cuisine which consists of a very thin crispy crepe rolled around a delicious curry filling. This eggplant dosa is heaven on earth. These are served with a small soup, and two condiments one of coconut and one of I'm not sure what but it's spicy. If you are to trust my friend's judgment she's gave this dinner 9/10.

Better Living Through Chemistry

So I haven't posted in a long time. I've been on my medication for a while now, about a month I think. It helps a bit with the anxiety, it definitely takes the edge off. The biggest thing that has come out of taking this medication is that I've lost about 15 pounds so far. The medication almost completely eliminates my hunger. I'm pretty excited about it :). So I've gone from 165lb to 152lb in a relatively short time. It's so fantastic. All my clothes fit better and I just feel better about my self. I think I'll post a before and after picture soon.

Down The Rabbit Hole....

So I've taken some pills for my OCD and we are going to see if they work. They are making me tired like the ones I took before. Maybe these ones will work but so far they are just making me tired. I still have all my old obsessions even a few new ones.

POTPOURRI III

I've found on the internet a way to measure your body fat percentage and apparently my body fat is 11.7% plus minus 2 %. So naturally I think I am really 13% body fat which comes to a whopping 20 lbs of fat on my flabby body. And I'm even more suspicious that this number is wrong because I used it on my brother who is very lean and muscly and he got 9% and when he did get his body fat % done professionally he got 5% so I'm thinking that my number could also be off by 4% meaning I'm really 15% body fat which means I have 26lbs of fat on my poor abused body as I have suspected for the last week.

I was getting home from work one day and there was a bus and on the side it said something like, "Not feeling good? Maybe it's Psychosis." Yeah I'm going to let a bus ad diagnose me. Oh and today walking home I've just confirmed that I am the Evil one in the family. There was a beagle and it's owner standing near my house. Me just walking past the dog whilst looking at it makes it whimper. It was scared and for good reason. The owner looked very perturbed.

POTATOE CHIPS ARE EVIL

Wow I just ate some Lay ruffled chips and now I have a horrible head ache. This is probably the first time I've eaten chips in a long long time. Like at least a year. This is just more proof that junk food is the devil.

We can rebuild him, but do we have the will?

Today at the gym there was a guy there and he was so tall and statue like, judging by how his clothes hung to his body he has a nice one, sigh, huge white guy and I was so jealous and then another white guy came along and was really good looking too. I looked at them and was like "pshh who do you think you are" while mentally forcing myself not to look at them because I really wanted to just stare at them.

At the gym I always look like I despise everyone, that I'm too good for the gym only because I obviously feel insecure. And it's cliche but I only hate everyone because I don't like myself. *sad face*

So to make myself like myself, I'm going back on my diet, Getting invisalign, and contacts. My diet excludes rice, wheat, potato, and refined sugar.

Today I forgot my water bottle. I felt so lost. with out it. Especially a the gym, I had to be one of those losers who don't bring a bottle and have to walk to the fountain every set. Lame.

I keep a log of what exercises I do and what weight I use so that I can see my progress but then I put it into my palm pilot. I think that I should switch to a notebook because I always feel scared that I'm gonna drop something on it and also in a note book it's a lot bigger and easier to see it all at once. On my palm pilot you don't really have excell programs.

Homometer

Later in the week there is a guy in my Biology class that I strongly suspect that is gay. In my tutorial class he was talking to some girls and one of the asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said in his faggy voice "I don't swing that way" I instantly thought, "No shit fudge packer!". And the girl responded with "Really omg I had no idea!" then he said, "Yeah no one ever thinks I am-sp.". Yeah, maybe not to your gay face they don't. "The first time I laid eyes on him I thought "Psshh who are you trying to kid homo." And then when I asked him something and I first heard his voice I was like "Yep you smoke pole."

A lot of times I can pick out the queers from the steers. I think most queer people can say this.

There is this show called "Gay, Straight, Or Taken" and there are three guys and one girl and she has to figure out which one is which. If she picks the single straight guy she wins a trip with him. Like nine times out of ten I got it right and I picked them out from the very start. I think there are subtle mannerisms and accents that gay people can detect which makes it so easy for us to pick out others. I guess having had to hide for so many years you can tell when someone else is hiding something, especially hiding queerness.

Seeing that I can so easily pick out gay people, I wonder how obvious I am. I think jury is out on weather I act gay or not. Though there are times where I definitely am obvious but when I put it on people can't tell. Once I participated in a event called "Guess the Straight Person" where there is a panel of participants and the crowd gets to ask the whole panel questions. Then at the end of the questioning period they vote on your sexuality. It's suppose to break down stereotypes. When they voted on me they voted 12 gay and 11 straight and 2 bi. Clearly I polarize people.

Caprica

So this past Monday I worked on a TV show called Caprica. It's a pilot episode for a Battle Star Glactica spin off. It's a prequel where they show you how the first Cylon came about. I had to pretend to be one of the private school kids in the background attending Athena Academy. I meant to take a picture of my costume but I never got the chance to steal away to the wash room to take a picture. Surprisingly when I wore the uniform, I looked like a private school kid, I mean I really looked like I belonged in private school. I was wearing a pea coat, black sweater, white dress shirt, charcoal pants, black dress shoes and a maroon tie. All of this in the hot sun no less. I hope the costume department launders their clothes because I was sweaty.

So there was this guy there (lets call him Gayface) and he is from the same extra agency as I am so I see him on a bunch of my extra jobs. And Gayface is really gay. I have no problem with fem guys or anything, often I sometimes act very feminine, what I do find annoying is that it seems like that is his whole personality is being gay. And he gets so much attention for it and I hear over and over again "Omg he is so funny". He is not. He just says the most obvious gay things. It amounts to 'Blah blah blah and that's coming from a guy who likes guys" or " Blah Blah something a girl would say blah blah it's cause I'm gay ahahah". So dumb. I'm not sure why I find it annoying, I think maybe it's because I find it childish. Childish in the way that he hasn't matured past the point where everything is about him being gay. Or maybe it's just because I want some attention too, and that I know that I could say the same things to get that attention but I don't want to get it that way. Yes I'm bitter. Just like the 85% chocolate I had today which was very tasty.

Oh and then later he said he was dating a model and that instantly got my attention. Big surprise. And I ask him what his boyfriend's name was and what agency he is with. Gayface says that the best thing about the guy he's dating is his really hot body. Now I don't want to judge anyone, but I always do in the end(I mean how can you not?), but Gayface isn't that good looking I would say average at best and he has some early male pattern baldness going on. (And side note on hair loss, if you are starting to lose your hair just start using rogain or propecia, there is no shame it in. You have no control over your hair, just do it and save what you have left. It's better than just letting it all fall out.) So I'm thinking that his boyfriend couldn't be a muscley model like Evandro or Chad White. So he must be one of those skinny models. So naturally when I get home I go on to his agency website. His agency does what a bunch of there agencies do which is requires you to register with them before they allow you to look at the models. The agency is also based in LA so I google LA hair salon and take all the information I need from there and register them instead of trying to just make up all the information. The only thing I change is the email address, which I obviously change to mine so that I get the conformation email. At the same time I facebook stalk the guy. Basically I'm right. He's a skinny model, and not a very interesting one at that.

And what does all of this accomplish in the end you ask? In some sick way I feel better about myself. I'm not sure why though.

AWwww shizzle I missed out on my 666 visitor :(

june 22

My friend of 7 years came over today, it was pretty great day we had, We ate grapes, toast with butter and honey, durian, durian seeds. And then we finally super cooled water and watched it turn to ice. Well I did, she left before I could do it properly.

People always find out that I can draw and then ask me to draw things for them, it's annoying. but flattering at the some time too.

christ I'm sore all over, and seriously thinking about not handing in my stupid math hwk that is probably worth about 1 percent.

Potpourri 2

My birthday turned out better than I expected. It was slow at the start because not everyone arrived promptly. There were odd silences and I felt like I was responsible for everyones lack of enjoyment. But after critical mass was achieved, fission commenced and there was a good murmer that filled the room. After food was eaten, we proceeded to play pictionary. The rules of our game was that each team would make the clue for the other team and that you had two minutes. This led to ridiculously hard clues, and clues that were in jokes at my expense.

Unrelated to my birthday someone added me on facebook from france. I took a look at there friends list and to my surprise was that it was populated with numerous well known male models. Not something lame like guys who sometimes get work as models but like well known campaign kings. The likes of Blaine, Sean O Pry, Tyson Ballou, Mathias Laursiden, and Chad White. Simply ridiculous. What it appears to be is some kind of ring of people who like to make fake model profiles and then add them to their friends so they feel cool. Weird. I sorta want to do that.

I've just recently watched the film, "Bee Movie". The basic premise is that there are bees and all bees can talk and one day a bee breaks the rule and talks to a human. So lets get right into why this film is abhorable and needs to be stricken from history. First of all it's Disney so we already know something about it is evil. So here we have a film that takes a matriarchal society and subverts it and makes all the bees that go out of the hive to search for nectar male when in reality all bees should be female and only about 1-3 should be male in a whole hive. The only time you see a female bee is when they are portrayed as secretaries, you don't even get to see the Queen, she only gets one mention and it was in passing. All the male nectar collecting bees are macho and tough and when they come back covered in pollen all the female bees go wild over it. And when they go out to collect nectar they do not eat it like real bees do, they have guns that shoot out multiple tentacles penetrating multiple flowers (read vagina). Tentacle hentia anyone? Then the male lead character has blue eyes compared to the dark eyes of all the 'bad' people. Also the the main character is so emmm virtuous and sexy he is able to seduce a female human. So then about a third of the way into the movie the main character finds out that bees are used to make honey for humans and the results in the bee suing the human race. The bees win and get all their honey back. Clearly only bees (a tiny organism) can talk and not the many animals higher up in complexity that we kill everyday and eat. And what does that say? Don't kill things that can talk, and things that can't talk are just meant to be killed? So then the bees having all the honey back just sit around doing nothing because they have no need to make honey or to look for nectar. What happens is that no pollination happens, clearly because bees are (NOT) the only pollinators ever. Because no pollination happens every single plant in the city starts to die. If you didn't know pollen is (NOT) an essential nutrient for plants to live and with out it they just wither and die instantly.
So this is why, Bee Movie should be destroyed. Because it just lies to children and gives them skewed morals. Did I mention all of the lying and sexism? Well it's horrible.

Today is my Birthday and yet again I let my asshole brother get me down. Not this time, not again. If he wants to be a jerk, he can just not be apart of my life. He can just go fuck himself. I'm not only angry at him, but also myself because I let him get to me and I don't fight back, I just become meek. I hate when people become meek when they should get fuccking furious. Today I'm going to choose to be furious.

In no subtle way he asks if my friends are going to steal from us. Delightful. Christ he's an douche.

I am starting to wonder if this blog is a good idea anymore, I think that maybe I should just not write here any more. I feel to vulnerable. I say too much. Maybe I'll just keep a private blog that no on can see.

inspiration

LP fans!

I think I've mentioned this before, well I know I have, but reading all the comments telling London Preppy that he's so great makes me nauseated. I know I used to be a big fan of his blog before but now, I think I've just out grown it? I mean that in the most non patronizing way. Except it still is.

If you look carefully at my comments, they never really praise his writing,(anymore? not sure if I did before) they are just.....well........ comments, and sometimes even critical. Spiteful even, except not. I mean I still like the person, from what little he actually reveals, and I'm sure I'd like the REAL him more.


[Oh and if Tim you are reading this, I'm sure you aren't a pervey pedo but an upstanding nice older gentlemen that is harmless and won't hit on me and isn't creepy but just really friendly. :DDD I'm not your type anyways. I'm far too stupid]

ASIDE: Is it just me or is Tim kinda creepy? Because the praise is so frequent and the latest one boarders on creepy man down the street, the one you shouldn't go trick-or-treating at. He's always telling him that his writing is so great and stuff. Oh and come on, you don't know why you keep CUMming back?! And then he said "...following beautiful BOYS home..."! EEEEkkkk, yes I know it's just joking around but still, just say men, or guys at least lolz. Yes yes, I know I'm bad person, if you thought otherwise you don't really know me. But honestly I only say that because he's older. When in reality and looking at it objectively it's creepy when ANYONE does it no matter what age. (well if its unwanted, if it's wanted then it's just titillating)

And yes I know I comment a lot on London Preppy's blog too and that's just because I'm needy and want some of his attention. It's almost like he withholds interaction and then when you get some you are all over that shit like flies on a turd. Is this creepy? Yes! Normal...mmmm maybe. But yeah, too much hype for my blood. I guess knowing you have a problem is the first step.

edit: Wow I like how when I come back and read this I cringe! It's really quite uncensored and off the cuff.

Stud Starch Fails To Stiffen Squat

EDIT: DISCLAIMER- I do not condone anything depicted in the following books, they are pretty much the most reprehensible things I've ever read and I only joke about them because if I didn't joke I'd probably cry.

Stud Starch has invariably turned out to be the turd it's ostensibly is. Even worse so. I've read about a fifth of the book. The gist of what happens is that there are two boys named Bobo (hah!) and Kerry they both have huge dicks and were taught all about sucking by Kerry's perverted pedo father. Then there is a rash of introduction of people who don't matter at all but are presented to you just so that you know that these boys are insatiable butt sluts and will do anything for a huge dick(which everyone has even at the age of 13, wow just gag me now). One of the random players introduced has a foot long dick. Wow, retarded. Not only is this concept retarded so is the owner of the 12 inch appendage, or should I say 'joint' or 'hose' as everyone in the book seems to. Then enter left brothers who fuck around and then a boy who likes to use the local glory hole and some cops he meets there. There are about 10 needless people who are instantly forgettable given to you here. And mind you that all these boys at this point at around 13 years old except for the pedo cops. Then one fateful day a boy using a glory hole gets a hat pin impaled on his 'hose' and is trapped there not being able to take it out. Thankfully Bobo (HAHAH) and Kerry walk in and save him. As revenge one of the boys stakes out the glory hole and wait till he finds who he thinks is the penis puncturer and then with a razor blade cuts the glands of his penis clean off. GREAAT! Then the boys go to Malibu and find a nude beach and then some faggy restaurateurs from France offer them a job only to perv on them. And at the beach they meet a boy who's guardian was the boys fathers lover and now the boys lover. At least this man is only a pedo and not an incestuous pedo like Kerry's dad.

Not only are all the sex scenes described badly and have about as much passion as a full diaper , the sentence structure is unclear at best and everyone is just so magically uninhibited and ready for sex anywhere.

I don't know if I can even finish this book. It has become so repetitive and reprehensible. And it isn't reprehensible in a good way like a book I read called "The Sluts".

The Sluts is a masterpiece ( not really, but once you start you'll find it hard to put down). It's not a lame pulp erotic novel it's a sorta mystery novel. The format of the book is that of a forum thread on an escort website. These posts refer to an escort named Brad. The first few reviews of him are typical but then it starts to turn. The sex is more and more rough and extreme. First fisting, punching, light cutting, heavy cutting, beating him to a blood pulp, breaking bones, stabbing him and then fucking the wound, amputating limbs, castration, and finally death. (there is one point where the john puts his hand into Brads mouth and pressed down until his jaw breaks. Wow, great huh?) You would think all this graphic abuse and mutilation would turn you away from this book and make you put it down instantly but instead it makes you keep reading because you don't want it to be true and you want to read till the end because you can't just leave it at that and you want to see it resolved and you hold out hope for a happy ending. Also all of these reviews don't quite match up to each other so there is some mystery there who's lying, who's telling the truth. I won't spoil the ending for you, you'll just have to read this book. It's quite gripping (and SHORT thankfully, god could you imagine 300 pages of that bs?!)

Well, I complete wasted today. I just milled about, I didn't even clean my room. But I am thinking of reading this book called Stud Starch. The back cover says this:

"Bobo and Kerry discover a nude beach in Malibu where the actions is as good as the exhibition. On the isolated beach, they find themselves horsing around withe the sensuous studs who are ready to make love at the drop of a towel. When Kerry gets a job at the each, both boys enter a carnal world of promiscuous sex. The climax leaves them- and you-ready for more!!"

Pretty great huh? For my party this weekend, I'm unsure about what to do for entertainment. Board games/charades? Maybe I could have a quiz where the topic of all the questions is me and the winner gets a prize.

Second Hand Is The New Black!

I guess this is the first installment. After I discovered shopping in second hand stores it's almost impossible for me to go back to retail shopping. I just look at t shirts and think "YOU WANT ME TO PAY WHAT?! I can buy 5 shirts for that!" If you look really well you can find really cool shirts for 2 dollars Canadian! Isn't that so ridiculous? Here's an example of one good find I bought at a local Value Village.
I could completely see this shirt being priced at $30. Under the robot it says "I'm programed to be awesome"

Here is another example I found in a different secondhand store. A more up scale one in the hierarchy of second hand stores. It's a Ralph Lauren curling sweater ie because you see loads of curlers wear them when they play. And this would probably have gone for about $200 somthing US but I got it for just over $40.


I have many other treasures but I'm not active enough to take pictures of them.




Edit: An unforked version.

I've played ultimate frisbee for the first time on Thursday and I still feel the soreness today in my legs. I guess I forgot how much it sprinting and stopping and starting. I wonder if it'll make my legs bigger. The running that is. I hope it'll give me skinnier legs ie like long distance runners. I don't want puny legs but not honking thunder thighs that I have now. Oh and I think I've about to get a cell phone. My very first one. How grand!

Gah Kyle XY scene got scraped. So now I just have to do my homework and clean my room. Nuts. But one good thing happened was that I got hired. Great! I won't say where so you can't secretly find me and kill me and then put me into a stew. Although it would be a damn good stew.

Fork!! I'm tired, this is not good!

Kookie's House of Doom

I've just gone to my friends house. It's always a disaster when I go to her house because I always end up eating a lot of things that I regret. This time around I ate : yam fries, creamy layered gelatin with whipped cream on it (which we made from scratch), malt chocolate balls, fried chicken, smoothie. It doesn't sound THAT bad but because I've been eating so cleanly lately (ie only good carbohydrates, fruit and veg, no junk food and lean protein and good fats) that it had made me feel so icky. Added to this was the heat, so I felt really hot and full of fat. Also the clothes I was wearing made me really hot. (maybe I'll post a picture later because I'm pretty proud of the outfit in all honesty, I wore it to an interview) So it just felt like I was full of grease and at the same time covered in it. Today (wednesday) I have to work extra hard at the gym to work off all the fatty-ness.

Also I invariably stay really late there which is bad because I don't really call home to tell anyone where I am and they get worried. Also she has a cat and cat hair makes my eyes turn get red and itch. At her house I played a game called brain academy on the Wii with her sister and her sisters friend and i beat them both so easy. But the guy was really set on beating me but I still kicked his ass all the time. HA! My score was a b+ = 1579. One funny thing happened was that the guy is really quiet gay seeming. And I comment on it to my friend and he sister. Then my friend wondered if I put my dick in the Wii that it would give us a really fun game to play. I said I wouldn't put mine in but that we should get the flamer to do it. My friend asked how we should do this, and I said that we should tell him the Wii is a guy. HEheheheh, in jokes are great.

unraveled

Today I've lost all sense of direction. And I am paralyzed. I have no clue what to do, I spent the whole day wandering my house. The only thing I see to do is eat, so I over eat. I am lost, and I am complaisant in this fact.
Maybe this is why the media held such a firm grip on my thoughts. I was looking for something to follow/copy and here was something telling me what the perfect way to be was. How to look, how to have fun, what to buy. Now that I've made progress in breaking my old habits of constantly looking at my regular websites I'm not sure what to do with my time. I could study but for some reason that doesn't make sense either. Maybe my calling isn't Environmental Science.
Although I've made progress I still hold myself at a very high standard. And along with that is how I look. But it takes so long to change how you look and I think my will is waning. I need to find a way to stay motivated. Even if looking like a model isn't a valid thing to pursue, it sure as hell won't hurt.
My birthday is coming up and I couldn't even make a guest list. All the people I put on there I don't feel connected to. I don't like the idea of a birthday party. Having everything hinged on me. I'm not that fun or entertaining so why would people come? Would they just come to be at a part with the other people I've invited? If so then why am I wasting my time with them. This just leads me to realize I don't feel connected to anyone. Least of all myself. I think I need to find out what I like. That has always been a hard question for me to answer. I hope I figure it out soon, because life is looking pretty pointless.

It feels like the air has coagulated and I can't move. There is no point to move. I'm stuck like a grape in jello.

I think it's going to be a really interesting semester. I have a lot of things going on. Let's all just hope I don't just give up in the middle.

I just over ate again. Crap.

Too many

Today I think that I have over extended myself. I'm going to have to catch up on the weekend. But to record a short description: yesterday I was on the set of a movie called spectacular! staring some stupid disney tv actor, and then today I have to go to a fitting for a TV job. I have to play a private school kid in the future.... it's for a spin off series of Battlestar Galactica. And I have to go to an interview for Cirque Du Soleil too. So the fitting, school, and interview in one day. OY VEY!

edit: I also got a job next Thursday for Kyle XY, hmm maybe I'll be sneaky and take some secret snaps of what I wear on sets.... hmmm....

Today I went with my friend Kookie and her sister to donate blood. This is my fourth time. Next time I can donate platelets. Cool right? Yeah except some ignoramous on the street told us to walk ten minutes in the wrong direction. Nothing too cool happened.

Dirty Shame

I neglected to take a picture, but only because of my great shame. I went out lazer tagging but I was wearing, fishnets, waist synch with boning, short spandex shorts with fringe on the bottom, and a stretchy top with a deep v-neck. This was all black. It was so shameful. My friend pressured me to do it. I feel really not that great about it. There were so many children there it was ridiculous.

service is temporarily unavailable

I think that I have realized that I can't connect to anyone. I have figured out that I have nothing in common with my friends tonight. I think that people don't know that I am actually dumber than I seem. I think I put up a good edifice of intelligence, but beyond that I think I'm not that smart. I think I truly hate everyone and myself. I can't connect to people different from me and I can't connect to people just like me because I hate people like me. I think I am a loner. I don't feel bad when I lose touch with people. I leave people behind. It's very condescending but I out grow people. I just get tired of them and want to move on. It's as if I stay in contact with these people that they are just making me stuck. I can't see how anyone would like me.(and this is not a cry for attention, asking people to tell me why I'm a valid person. It's just a realization/observation)


Oh and to quite my mind, I guess I did want people to read my blog that's why I put it on blogger when I could have easily just made it in word processors. But also I think I just like putting it up somewhere. Because even though no one is reading your blog you sorta feel like you are. It's like trying to talk to the universe.

I want it.

Is it wrong that I want to be a model? That I would drop everything to fly around the world just to take pictures? I think so. But it feels so good to get paid just because you are who you are. Getting paid to play dress up. Isn't that just wrong? I just want to be one of the pretty people.

Before I can even imagine of trying to do this I have to lose about 20 pounds and then gain 5 pound in muscle. I'm not too sure about those number because I have no idea what 20 pounds of fat or 5 pounds of muscle look like. What I do know is that other models who are my height weight around 150-155 and they have model sized muscles and look proportional. I have pretty good musculature, I think, but just flab everywhere. The main area I would need to add muscle to is the all important chest. Although I know that I would also need to add to my back and arms etc too but not to the extent that my chest needs.

Then I have to get my teeth fixed and whitened which I'm in the process of doing. And finally I would need to get my skin to be perfectly clear and smooth. I think mostly I have to learn how to sleep at reasonable hours, because having too little sleep is a for sure way to break out.

This endeavour is completely shallow and egotistical but I can't help it. Sometimes this urge is so strong that I feel overwhelmed. And I want it, I want it now. I want all the attention and the hype. I want to hang around the pretty people and feel like I'm on the inside. I want to be welcomed. I want to know what it's like to be able to cast a spell on people with my looks.(even though I know I would hate it, I would never want to have that kind of control over other people where they fall over themselves to satisfy you) I want to walk around and have people whisper to their friend that I'm here "Oh look, who's walking down the street, isn't that that model from that LV campaign?".

This is completely sick. I am just really really twisted aren't I? BUT I STILL WANT IT. I want it so much sometimes and it makes me sad to know I won't have it. That I will disappear. Forgotten having achieved no international fame. I want to be the one that is the exception to the rule and because of that I'm special and there will be no one else like me and other models to follow will be touted as the new Me as a compliment. I want what Kate Moss has (but with out the crack and tragicness). OMG I JUST WANT IT SOOOOOO.
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...............much.



PS: Clearly I'm in one of my moods and this is just venting, but not all together exaggerated. Maybe I just need some attention.

I = Dumb + RIDICULOUS

So I've now optioned to take an easier Calculus course for biology students. I feel like a cheater. This class is so much easier than the regular one. They omit 3 chapters that the normal one does. How is that ok? How can you allow people to walk around not knowing how to rotate curves to make 3D shapes to find their volume and surface area. This is bull shit. I feel like I should be wearing a helmet. I really feel like I want to change back to the other class but I don't know if I'll be allowed. Also the instructor of the other class is much better than this one. This one feels like she's babying us and using alternate names for rules. Like instead of the summation rule of integrals she says "divide and concur". Doesn't that just make you want wish God would smite you right there and then? In truth I should make it easier for myself coming back to school but I feel like I rather fail at something hard than succeed at something easy. It's a false sense of achievement, it's like me beating a baby at arm wrestling it's just not that great. Even if I got an A+ I would feel cheep, especially because I've taken the harder class before. I should stay in this class and just boost my GPA and shut my trap.

Thursday May 15 2008

Update: So on Wednesday I confirm with the Orthodontist that she can do everything she could do with braces for me with innvisalign and also that her husband will do my veneers. Also I'll be able to whiten my teeth using the invisalign trays with a take home whitening kit. So she'll just give me a little tube of dental bleach and I'll do it at home for cheep.

When I get home I decide to visit my highschool, it's really depressing. I talk to my old English teacher and break the news to her that I'm gay and have OCD. Really it's just too much fun for one to handle, it's positively criminal. And while I talk to her two things happen. I find out that I'm psychic. I tell her I had a dream about her getting fat and about another teacher living in a mansion. She then tells me that she's pregnant and that the other teacher had just purchased a condo. It's not spot on but it's pretty good if you ask me. And the second thing that happens is that my eye starts to hurt (presumably from my new contacts) so I tell her goodbye so that we can stop trying to find things to talk about and also so I can get home and take my contacts out. I take my contacts out and my eye still hurts. I think I have an eyelash under my eyelid. So I do what I always do. Lift my eyelid off my eye, look down, close my eye and press against my eyelid and then look up. This in effects rolls what ever is in the upper part of my eye socket come down. And then I see it a hair. I grab it and pull on it and realize it's not an eyelash. Really it's just a 2.5 inch hair. And I slowly pull it out. In a sick way it felt really really good.

Also I make plans to go donate blood. If you don't know, in Canada, if you are a man who's had sex with another man even just once you are banned for life from donating blood. Weird n'est pas? Especially when in the US it doesn't matter. You'd think it'd be the other way around. Well I just lie to those nurses right to their faces. What ever I've only had sex once so really I don't have AIDS. This'll be my 4th time. I don't get anything for you 4th time. I got a pen for my third though. After the pen you just start getting pins with numbers on them and they go all the way up to 750-1000 pin. Isn't that nuts. But Canada doesn't have cool pins like the redcross does.

Oh and also because I've donated so many times I can not only donate whole blood but donate only platelets. And this process takes a few hours and it's somewhat like dialysis where they send your blood through a huge machine which filters out the platelets and then returns the blood back to you. That's terribly exciting, I'll have to do that the next time. But I'm getting concerned because I keep donating from my left arm and they keep using the same spot, so now I have a tiny divot there :(. Oh well it's for the good of the world I guess.

It's more roomy than I thought.

I don't know I feel like this week everyone is either up their own ass or someone else's. Below you can see I'm not that flexible and I hope I never will be. I guess that doesn't stop other people like that girl from trying to get in though......


Is it awful that when I read the comments from London Preppy's blog that say his writing is so fantastic and wonderful and that he should become a writer make me sick? I think so. I really don't think it's a jealousy kind of thing, but I honestly don't' think his writing is THAT great. It's good, it has a clear style and subject matter and good flow but to say that he's so great really is pushing it. This may sound weird from someone who made a wiki page for him, but I'm fucked okay? Then again I always start to not like things other people like. It's such a childish way to be, but it's only when there is a lot of hype, I don't like hype. I'm starting to get bored with his blog, maybe it's because I don't really want to steal his life anymore, maybe it's because the blog is starting to repeat it's self. He keeps all the good stuff private so what's left but to regurgitate the superficial? Maybe it's just the writing style, I find it too easy to copy therefore less unique? That's how I see it. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in today. Yeah probably the mood. I just started the day off badly with frustrating contacts and getting all worked up about missing 20 mins of my math class and having little sleep. Hmmm I feel better typing this up. Oh no wait false alarm.

No dream today, no time for a dream. Only a panic attack. I missed the first 20 mins of my math class because I was too busy with my contact lenses and missed getting a ride with my brother so I had to catch a ride with the next oldest one. I get to class and oddly all the left handed people are sitting on the left side of the room. This is disturbing. And then the Prof won't give me the notes that I've missed and says I need to make a friends. God didn't I just say I had a disability and I just need the notes and I'll be fine? Fuck that noise, I think I'm going to go through CSD (centre for students with disabilities) to get them to tell her to give me the notes because you can do that kind of thing. I don't know I just feel really crazy about what I may have potentially missed from those notes even though I could probably fill them out myself. She posts unfinished notes on a website. Fuck I'm fucked. I'm really not right in the head. I have a math assignment due on Friday. Lets see if I can do it. I'm so paralysed that I can't even withstand a peek at what those questions might be.

Some times I think that I don't really have a problem and that I'm just doing this for attention and personal gain. But then I have these moments and conclude it's really not so.

I'm going to go to the orthodontist and have a consultation to see what kind of treatment I'm going to have. Braces or Invisalign. Sweet Krishna please make it invisalign!! But because of this I'm going to miss my first bio tutorial and my 5th bio lecture. The lecture isn't so bad because it's tape recorded and I have a friend in that class that will give me the notes. Yes I see it, so don't say it cause then I'll just ask you to leave. I don't want to make friends in that math class. It's full of mentalists. I feel like I'm in the "special" class. It's probably better that I feel bored and smarter than everyone than to be falling behind. Hmm maybe I am that flexible......

I've never had to study before University. So I don't know how to. It's so strange. I've never had to work hard to get something into my brain. It's really weird and frightening prospect. Not the learning part but the starting something new part. I guess you can say I don't like change, well change is fine along someone is there to launch me. I'm tragic at doing things on my own for the premier fois. I get panicked and scared and the back of my head and neck bursts into flames.

Food: apple, banana, almonds, pea pods, way to salty ground beef and some green vegetable, water, and probably the orange I still have in my bag.
Work out: was going to but was too panicked to move. Maybe I'll do it at home some how.