Triumphant Return

I have returned. I think I'm going to need this blog this term. I'm going to have to be more focused than I have been in a while. I'm really scared and I want to feel like there are people rooting for me. I don't know why it's better that it's random people from the internet but somehow it make me feel better. I guess we have a bias in taking strangers opinions as more objective because they don't know you and have no interest in lying to you to make you feel better. I guess in reality people who know you the best actually have the more objective opinion because they actually do know you and therefore judge you the best. On the other hand people who think they know you only know what you WERE like and what you HAD done in the past and generally stick to that idea of you, while people who don't know you have a clean slate and might see you for what you CAN be.

Same old shit. Purge , purge.

Soooo... I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of control. I feel like because I'm not a tall person I can never be sexy or attractive which in turn means I will never have a super attractive boyfriend. This is troubling in so many ways. Okay so lets tease it out. I feel like it's unfair that I'm not tall and I don't get a chance to be attractive. But there is no set attractive, but there is what society will think is attractive in general. And this idea of fair and correct is apart of control that I want to impose on everything. So I feel cheated while buying into socialized ideas of beauty which is silly of course. I also have scars on my body which makes me think that with every scar I'm more ugly and am worth less. But at the same time I do feel like I think other things are way more important like intelligence that for the most part is preset too. People who are smart will be smart and people attractive will be attractive. There are things that you can do to increase both of these things like stimulating the mind for intelligence and working out for beauty. I feel like I have the intelligence but I don't have what I feel to be beautiful. So I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough because I'll never be the super hot guy in magazines and tv. Sure I could work out but people always (in general) find the taller guy more attractive. I feel like I have an attractive face. Also I want to get my years back that I lost to ocd and depression. Can someone do that for me?

Maybe I'm going to be a super villain because the only way to feel okay about this is to drag everyone else down. Shattering the world seems fun, it's like when you see someone build a tower of blocks or they do their hair really nice you just want to mess it up. Gosh someone give me super powers already. I really really deserve them, honest!

test i wanna win that friggen phone

Where Did I Go?

So since I started this blog and since I have been diagnosed it's been over 4 years. Where did it all go. I was in school for a time and then I was in and out struggling with anxiety. Everyone keeps asking where I went.

"Hey I haven't seen you in ages you are never around anymore."
"Hey we should play sometime, where did you go?"

I don't really know what to do or what to say. Should I tell them? I don't have to but they are wondering why I am where I am and what I've been doing. Why I'm not close to finishing school yet. My youth stolen from me. I'm now banking on that I look young as to prolong my 'youth'.

I'm thinking about trying to audition for acting roles. I'm not sure I'm the best actor but I think I would be a great personality to be interviewed. Maybe I just want to not work that hard and just get paid for 'being me'. I think I could treat fame with an interesting take. I would do things in the public eye that I want to see celebrities do. So tangenty but I kinda want to know that people are saying. " oh I used to know that guy, what an ass face." I think I just have a fascination of what people think of me. I am infinitely interested in how people perceive each other and how that compared to what the person thinks of themselves, so when I hear about what people think about me it's easy to do that comparison and I find it really interesting.

Riddle: What is green, bitter, and full of hate?

So like a fool I did the one thing that triggers my bitter, bitter envy. I looked at the profiles of people on facebook that I don't know and look very pretty. I looked at them and their pretty and successful friends. Their happy picture mock me, "Look at what fun we have, look at the interesting parties we go to. We are much happier than you. You can't come in and play too. We only want others like ourselves. You can never be as happy or pretty as us. Never." Pretty,rich , white people attract and hang out with other pretty, rich, white people. How can I compete? I'm Asian, done nothing, gay, not rich, not muscular? How can I even play the game. I don't even get to play. People say it's confidence that I lack, and that I'm too self conscious. Is that true? Could that really be it? And I look at these people because I feel like they've won. And they say that I lack the confidence which implies I need to make up for my physical self to enter the inner circle that is the pretty white people. That is a dangerous assumption, that they are the goal. That they are higher than me. This is dangerous territory. I think my friend got it right. She's way smarter than me. Apathy is the way to go. Caring about things just makes you hurt. Gah I can't even say they are bad people. I hope they are bad people. That they are dark and twisted inside, that they have done horrible things, that they have no substance, that with their fading beauty their past sins will come back to eat them. The acid that burns bright green in my heart will chew their flesh and leave humble bones.

I need to find my goal. I need to find my calling soon. I can't be like this any longer. I don't know how long I can hold out for. I'm getting desperate. What do I value in life. What do I want. What will bring me satisfaction and the adulation I crave from others. How could this story ever end well? How can I shift my mind away from being perfect and not just believe in something else. Isn't that belief the same as the one I have now? I have nothing.

I need to delete all my porn. All the pictures on my computer. They bind me. I hold onto them too much. The objects in my life that I can't destory are the ones that control me the most.

How can I realize that their lives aren't perfect. That their lives are not something I want. That the people they are surrounded with are people that I wouldn't like. I know I wouldn't like them. I know these people. They bore me. But I want them. I've learned to want them. Why can't I let go. This is why I did it. Why I let him treat me like that. I thought I couldn't get any better, that I needed to seize the moment. I'm sick. I'm so sick and it's going to kill me.

I wish I was religious. Something to comfort me. To delude me. Dilute me. My heart can't take it. My battered psyche is being torn apart.

Can I say that it's okay because I'm smarter than them? Is that the point that I see things they don't. I see the trappings that they can't know. That is not the point is it? That's not how I become better. Not by convincing myself I am indeed better than them. To be become better I need to not care. I need to not think that I am above or below them. Indifference with an open mind and kind intentions. I need to just approach life and live it and do the things I want to do.

But what I really want right now is for the world to end. I can't even just want to die. I want everyone to die. I need everyone to suffer and die and feel as horrible as I do. I need everyone to feel the hollow feeling of their heart shriveling.

I need to stop telling people about my insecurities. It only furthers my distance from them. I thought it would make me relatable. It doesn't. People want to be with the people that I envy so much. The confident happy people. I'm not one of those people. I have to fake it. I have to fake it until I can get my foot in the door. I need to look inside. I need to know what I'm missing. I need to see. It's killing me not knowing what's inside. But is not know the only thing that is keeping me alive. What if I go in and see they are smart too, smarter than me even. What do I do then? I am out classed in all categories. How can I make myself feel worth living after that?

These are the thoughts I have on a Thursday night. I hope I don't wake up.

If you've never thought about killing yourself then you don't know how shitty the world is.

I don't want to play anymore, I don't like this game.

A few hot guys came into the store I work at. Oh yeah I'm working now. Take that AX!!! Having hot guys come into my store and me talking to them asking if they needed any help with shoes was not as fun as I thought. It just really made me feel bad about being gay and about liking guys I had no chance with. At least straight guys going for girls 'out of their league' still have a chance because they are guys and the girls are straight. Or like they could impress them by like working out a lot or by having a personality they like. I'm gay and only queer guys will like me and that pool of queer guys that like me and that I like and find attractive in my age group is pretty small. I feel pretty small. I felt like the creepy gay guy, the stereotype, the annoyance. It didn't feel good. I don't like it. At that point I felt really bad and was wishing that there were other queer people that worked at the store too and then in walked the new guy. He seemed gay,I hope he is gay, I tried to talk to him some and I'm going to work with him today too. I'm gonna try to friend him.