So like a fool I did the one thing that triggers my bitter, bitter envy. I looked at the profiles of people on facebook that I don't know and look very pretty. I looked at them and their pretty and successful friends. Their happy picture mock me, "Look at what fun we have, look at the interesting parties we go to. We are much happier than you. You can't come in and play too. We only want others like ourselves. You can never be as happy or pretty as us. Never." Pretty,rich , white people attract and hang out with other pretty, rich, white people. How can I compete? I'm Asian, done nothing, gay, not rich, not muscular? How can I even play the game. I don't even get to play. People say it's confidence that I lack, and that I'm too self conscious. Is that true? Could that really be it? And I look at these people because I feel like they've won. And they say that I lack the confidence which implies I need to make up for my physical self to enter the inner circle that is the pretty white people. That is a dangerous assumption, that they are the goal. That they are higher than me. This is dangerous territory. I think my friend got it right. She's way smarter than me. Apathy is the way to go. Caring about things just makes you hurt. Gah I can't even say they are bad people. I hope they are bad people. That they are dark and twisted inside, that they have done horrible things, that they have no substance, that with their fading beauty their past sins will come back to eat them. The acid that burns bright green in my heart will chew their flesh and leave humble bones.
I need to find my goal. I need to find my calling soon. I can't be like this any longer. I don't know how long I can hold out for. I'm getting desperate. What do I value in life. What do I want. What will bring me satisfaction and the adulation I crave from others. How could this story ever end well? How can I shift my mind away from being perfect and not just believe in something else. Isn't that belief the same as the one I have now? I have nothing.
I need to delete all my porn. All the pictures on my computer. They bind me. I hold onto them too much. The objects in my life that I can't destory are the ones that control me the most.
How can I realize that their lives aren't perfect. That their lives are not something I want. That the people they are surrounded with are people that I wouldn't like. I know I wouldn't like them. I know these people. They bore me. But I want them. I've learned to want them. Why can't I let go. This is why I did it. Why I let him treat me like that. I thought I couldn't get any better, that I needed to seize the moment. I'm sick. I'm so sick and it's going to kill me.
I wish I was religious. Something to comfort me. To delude me. Dilute me. My heart can't take it. My battered psyche is being torn apart.
Can I say that it's okay because I'm smarter than them? Is that the point that I see things they don't. I see the trappings that they can't know. That is not the point is it? That's not how I become better. Not by convincing myself I am indeed better than them. To be become better I need to not care. I need to not think that I am above or below them. Indifference with an open mind and kind intentions. I need to just approach life and live it and do the things I want to do.
But what I really want right now is for the world to end. I can't even just want to die. I want everyone to die. I need everyone to suffer and die and feel as horrible as I do. I need everyone to feel the hollow feeling of their heart shriveling.
I need to stop telling people about my insecurities. It only furthers my distance from them. I thought it would make me relatable. It doesn't. People want to be with the people that I envy so much. The confident happy people. I'm not one of those people. I have to fake it. I have to fake it until I can get my foot in the door. I need to look inside. I need to know what I'm missing. I need to see. It's killing me not knowing what's inside. But is not know the only thing that is keeping me alive. What if I go in and see they are smart too, smarter than me even. What do I do then? I am out classed in all categories. How can I make myself feel worth living after that?
These are the thoughts I have on a Thursday night. I hope I don't wake up.
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1 comment:
Do not compare yourself, head in that direction, the world is shitty and there is no way anyone has it nice. Once you stop comparing and realise that others that are sooo happy are actually miserable and so weak that they cannot even admit that or show that, you will have no need to compare and it will give you space in your mind to let to good things in. And not all people are fakers. The world is crappy but that is why you need to shield yourself from even more crap that you create yourself by comparing. This is your best perspective and you should start to go in this direction:"To be become better I need to not care. I need to not think that I am above or below them. Indifference with an open mind and kind intentions. I need to just approach life and live it and do the things I want to do." You don't have to be religious to start saving yourself in way which holds no hate for others or yourself.
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