I Want To Be Wanted

Do you ever feel like you like someone more than they like you? You have a friend that you seem to like more than they like you? Not that they don't like you at all but just not as much as you like them. You don't think they think about you at all and that the only time you enter their consciousness is when you contact them. I feel this way about my friend. It's just the way she is I guess. She is just self sufficient. She'll be happy with or with out you. In a lot of ways I like this about her because you never feel like she's needy. Or when you have her over that you need to entertain her or she will resent coming over because it's boring. Or that if you haven't called her in 3 weeks, she doesn't think you don't like her or are neglecting her. There is less pressure I guess to maintain the friendship in constant contact.

But It also goes both ways. I like that she is not high maintenance but also that sorta doesn't work for me either because I think I am high maintenance. I don't know. I don't think I want to have it both ways. Or that somehow I want it so that I can neglect her but still have her chase after me all the time. I think I want it to be pretty much the same but just that sometimes she would call me sometimes but that is unrealistic of me to think because she doesn't call anyone. I guess this is just my problem and not hers. I guess I just want to be wanted but not in an overwhelming way that it breeds obligation of me. I guess that is really a lot to ask for but I guess you always have to aim high to get as close as you can.

Addition:
Saying all of this maybe it's not that I need her (or any of my friends) to give me this. Maybe I need to find someone else to give me this. A romantic partner. Maybe I don't just want to be wanted. Maybe I just want to be loved. Maybe I want to love someone and have them love me. That we are equally enthralled with each other that we want to be together all the time. I think I need the intimacy and the human contact. I want someone who wants to touch me and kiss me and hold me because they want to. Because they want to be as close to me as possible literally and figuratively. But finding a boyfriend is harder for me than you think. I also think that being I guess emotionally unstable at this point it wouldn't be wise to enter into a relationship like that. That I have to deal with my own insecurities before I get into something heavy like that. That I can't look for someone else to complete me but that I have to be complete and for me to love myself before I can love someone else. But even so, a lot of people don't like themselves totally and completely ever in their lives and they are in relationships. Maybe I just need the human contact, just the feeling of intimacy with out the obligations. What I am saying is I need a good fucking. I think I just need someone to come up to me and push me up against the wall and just say, "I want you!" and kiss me and press against my body pulling at my clothes. In just a very base level lizard brain kinda way. Oddly all the guys who do seem interested in me seem to be white. And most of them are skinny white boys. Why is this?! Oh I remember, maybe it's cause I basically have no gay male friends. And definitely no male gay Asian friends to introduce me to any. Or any other race that is. I basically have two gay male friends. Maybe I should give Manhunt a try? I need a fuck buddy I guess. Oh and also to know not to kiss and tell. The first guy I slept with I ran around saying it was horrible and what ever and that he was a pedophile cause I was 19 and he was 28 and worked as a youth worker. And I kept saying, "The only person who got lucky that night was him!". HA I know I am too great. But yeah I guess I could have kept him as a fuck buddy but I've burned that poor little bridge a long time ago and have learned my lesson. Anyways what did he expect when sleeping with a 19 year old?

So if you are a really hot guy please send me a message. And if you also happen to be Evandro Soldati that would be a major plus. Screw it if you are Evandro Soldati I am yours, just say the word and I will hop on a plain, train, car, camel, Sherpa, or boat; anything to get to where you are.