God looking through all the pictures of Matt Loewen on Facebook has made me trigger my shame reaction. My shame reaction is a chain of events that leads to me being depressed and full of shame. This is where I idolize people and then become envious and then depressed that I'm not them and then even more depressed because I envy them for such a ludicrous reason.

I am so depressed at this moment, I'm probably going to kill myself soon. Yay. I've been saying that to myself many many times in the past week. I've been imagining how to do it. Where to do it. Wondering how long it would take for someone to find my lifeless body in my room, my blood running out of my veins and pooling on the grey carpet. I'm not sure I feel so safe anymore on my own. Maybe I need to be committed? Maybe if I need to committed I should just kill myself. At least I wouldn't feel this way anymore. I need to find something to live for.

Fuck.

I'm screwed.