Sunday, May 25, 2008

unraveled

Today I've lost all sense of direction. And I am paralyzed. I have no clue what to do, I spent the whole day wandering my house. The only thing I see to do is eat, so I over eat. I am lost, and I am complaisant in this fact.
Maybe this is why the media held such a firm grip on my thoughts. I was looking for something to follow/copy and here was something telling me what the perfect way to be was. How to look, how to have fun, what to buy. Now that I've made progress in breaking my old habits of constantly looking at my regular websites I'm not sure what to do with my time. I could study but for some reason that doesn't make sense either. Maybe my calling isn't Environmental Science.
Although I've made progress I still hold myself at a very high standard. And along with that is how I look. But it takes so long to change how you look and I think my will is waning. I need to find a way to stay motivated. Even if looking like a model isn't a valid thing to pursue, it sure as hell won't hurt.
My birthday is coming up and I couldn't even make a guest list. All the people I put on there I don't feel connected to. I don't like the idea of a birthday party. Having everything hinged on me. I'm not that fun or entertaining so why would people come? Would they just come to be at a part with the other people I've invited? If so then why am I wasting my time with them. This just leads me to realize I don't feel connected to anyone. Least of all myself. I think I need to find out what I like. That has always been a hard question for me to answer. I hope I figure it out soon, because life is looking pretty pointless.
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hate parties for myself! I would rather just go out for a low-key dinner with one or two people I am really comfortable with.

The environmental science thing is cool and all, but you come across as more artistic to me.

And the best thing you can do to get you going and make you wanna get in shape is to find a new crush at school. What ever happened to that workout guy from a while back?

May 27, 2008 at 12:50 PM
sleepyboy said...

zach: I like parties, but I just don't like it when everyones fun is dependent on me. I feel that a birthday party for me would make the responsibility mine because on your birthday people generally do what you say even if they don't think it's fun but they will do it to make you happy. I don't mind entertaining people as long as they have other things there to entertain them. I don't like having people bored on my account.

Why do you say that? Is it an overall feel, or just because I've had two post about art.

Well my main motivator right now is Evandro Soldati. But maybe having a real person I see on a regular basis would help. Maybe I could admire someone at the gym maybe. One he didn't like calling my house because my answering machine was my Father's voice so he just stopped calling. And then also we went on some trail date things, like seeing a movie, going to the gym, and going to get something to eat after the gym. We realized that we couldn't carry on a conversation so that kinda just killed it. He's still hot though.

May 28, 2008 at 2:59 AM
Anonymous said...

Yeah, I basically meant the same thing - that I don't like parties for me for the exact same reasons you gave. Plus I always want to be free to leave at the drop of a hat or else I feel trapped.

The art thing is because you did the really great picture which showed talent, and you like fashion a lot. You have yet to mention anything science or environmental related.

Isn't it so weird when someone can't carry a conversation with you? awkwaaarrrd

I tend to blame them as I have no problem talking to just about anybody.

Keep it up wth the gym and the diet since it's spring and a really good time for that stuff. Good luck!

May 28, 2008 at 2:34 PM
sleepyboy said...

zach: Weird I never talked about fashion really, I'm more interested in the models than the fashion. Not that I don't like fashion but not as much as I like the models. Fashion is fun to look at but extremely elitist. I don't care much for brands, I like what I like and don't blindly buy things because they have a tag on them. But yes I don't talk about science here. Well that's because it's not as interesting. You can't make any jokes readily, unless you are going to alienate everyone around you who doesn't know what you know. Not that I really write this for others to read. I like pretending that people read it but really don't care if people do. But yeah I could talk about Environmental advances and what species is now on endangered list and how it's way to late and how sharks are getting decimated but it doesn't make for fun blogging. Not that my emotional problems are fun but they are cathartic and science isn't so much. If anything talking about those things make me more agitated because I just realize that people honestly don't care what they are doing to the planet.

May 28, 2008 at 11:46 PM

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