Gah Kyle XY scene got scraped. So now I just have to do my homework and clean my room. Nuts. But one good thing happened was that I got hired. Great! I won't say where so you can't secretly find me and kill me and then put me into a stew. Although it would be a damn good stew.

Fork!! I'm tired, this is not good!

Kookie's House of Doom

I've just gone to my friends house. It's always a disaster when I go to her house because I always end up eating a lot of things that I regret. This time around I ate : yam fries, creamy layered gelatin with whipped cream on it (which we made from scratch), malt chocolate balls, fried chicken, smoothie. It doesn't sound THAT bad but because I've been eating so cleanly lately (ie only good carbohydrates, fruit and veg, no junk food and lean protein and good fats) that it had made me feel so icky. Added to this was the heat, so I felt really hot and full of fat. Also the clothes I was wearing made me really hot. (maybe I'll post a picture later because I'm pretty proud of the outfit in all honesty, I wore it to an interview) So it just felt like I was full of grease and at the same time covered in it. Today (wednesday) I have to work extra hard at the gym to work off all the fatty-ness.

Also I invariably stay really late there which is bad because I don't really call home to tell anyone where I am and they get worried. Also she has a cat and cat hair makes my eyes turn get red and itch. At her house I played a game called brain academy on the Wii with her sister and her sisters friend and i beat them both so easy. But the guy was really set on beating me but I still kicked his ass all the time. HA! My score was a b+ = 1579. One funny thing happened was that the guy is really quiet gay seeming. And I comment on it to my friend and he sister. Then my friend wondered if I put my dick in the Wii that it would give us a really fun game to play. I said I wouldn't put mine in but that we should get the flamer to do it. My friend asked how we should do this, and I said that we should tell him the Wii is a guy. HEheheheh, in jokes are great.

unraveled

Today I've lost all sense of direction. And I am paralyzed. I have no clue what to do, I spent the whole day wandering my house. The only thing I see to do is eat, so I over eat. I am lost, and I am complaisant in this fact.
Maybe this is why the media held such a firm grip on my thoughts. I was looking for something to follow/copy and here was something telling me what the perfect way to be was. How to look, how to have fun, what to buy. Now that I've made progress in breaking my old habits of constantly looking at my regular websites I'm not sure what to do with my time. I could study but for some reason that doesn't make sense either. Maybe my calling isn't Environmental Science.
Although I've made progress I still hold myself at a very high standard. And along with that is how I look. But it takes so long to change how you look and I think my will is waning. I need to find a way to stay motivated. Even if looking like a model isn't a valid thing to pursue, it sure as hell won't hurt.
My birthday is coming up and I couldn't even make a guest list. All the people I put on there I don't feel connected to. I don't like the idea of a birthday party. Having everything hinged on me. I'm not that fun or entertaining so why would people come? Would they just come to be at a part with the other people I've invited? If so then why am I wasting my time with them. This just leads me to realize I don't feel connected to anyone. Least of all myself. I think I need to find out what I like. That has always been a hard question for me to answer. I hope I figure it out soon, because life is looking pretty pointless.

It feels like the air has coagulated and I can't move. There is no point to move. I'm stuck like a grape in jello.

I think it's going to be a really interesting semester. I have a lot of things going on. Let's all just hope I don't just give up in the middle.

I just over ate again. Crap.

Too many

Today I think that I have over extended myself. I'm going to have to catch up on the weekend. But to record a short description: yesterday I was on the set of a movie called spectacular! staring some stupid disney tv actor, and then today I have to go to a fitting for a TV job. I have to play a private school kid in the future.... it's for a spin off series of Battlestar Galactica. And I have to go to an interview for Cirque Du Soleil too. So the fitting, school, and interview in one day. OY VEY!

edit: I also got a job next Thursday for Kyle XY, hmm maybe I'll be sneaky and take some secret snaps of what I wear on sets.... hmmm....

Today I went with my friend Kookie and her sister to donate blood. This is my fourth time. Next time I can donate platelets. Cool right? Yeah except some ignoramous on the street told us to walk ten minutes in the wrong direction. Nothing too cool happened.

Dirty Shame

I neglected to take a picture, but only because of my great shame. I went out lazer tagging but I was wearing, fishnets, waist synch with boning, short spandex shorts with fringe on the bottom, and a stretchy top with a deep v-neck. This was all black. It was so shameful. My friend pressured me to do it. I feel really not that great about it. There were so many children there it was ridiculous.

service is temporarily unavailable

I think that I have realized that I can't connect to anyone. I have figured out that I have nothing in common with my friends tonight. I think that people don't know that I am actually dumber than I seem. I think I put up a good edifice of intelligence, but beyond that I think I'm not that smart. I think I truly hate everyone and myself. I can't connect to people different from me and I can't connect to people just like me because I hate people like me. I think I am a loner. I don't feel bad when I lose touch with people. I leave people behind. It's very condescending but I out grow people. I just get tired of them and want to move on. It's as if I stay in contact with these people that they are just making me stuck. I can't see how anyone would like me.(and this is not a cry for attention, asking people to tell me why I'm a valid person. It's just a realization/observation)


Oh and to quite my mind, I guess I did want people to read my blog that's why I put it on blogger when I could have easily just made it in word processors. But also I think I just like putting it up somewhere. Because even though no one is reading your blog you sorta feel like you are. It's like trying to talk to the universe.

I want it.

Is it wrong that I want to be a model? That I would drop everything to fly around the world just to take pictures? I think so. But it feels so good to get paid just because you are who you are. Getting paid to play dress up. Isn't that just wrong? I just want to be one of the pretty people.

Before I can even imagine of trying to do this I have to lose about 20 pounds and then gain 5 pound in muscle. I'm not too sure about those number because I have no idea what 20 pounds of fat or 5 pounds of muscle look like. What I do know is that other models who are my height weight around 150-155 and they have model sized muscles and look proportional. I have pretty good musculature, I think, but just flab everywhere. The main area I would need to add muscle to is the all important chest. Although I know that I would also need to add to my back and arms etc too but not to the extent that my chest needs.

Then I have to get my teeth fixed and whitened which I'm in the process of doing. And finally I would need to get my skin to be perfectly clear and smooth. I think mostly I have to learn how to sleep at reasonable hours, because having too little sleep is a for sure way to break out.

This endeavour is completely shallow and egotistical but I can't help it. Sometimes this urge is so strong that I feel overwhelmed. And I want it, I want it now. I want all the attention and the hype. I want to hang around the pretty people and feel like I'm on the inside. I want to be welcomed. I want to know what it's like to be able to cast a spell on people with my looks.(even though I know I would hate it, I would never want to have that kind of control over other people where they fall over themselves to satisfy you) I want to walk around and have people whisper to their friend that I'm here "Oh look, who's walking down the street, isn't that that model from that LV campaign?".

This is completely sick. I am just really really twisted aren't I? BUT I STILL WANT IT. I want it so much sometimes and it makes me sad to know I won't have it. That I will disappear. Forgotten having achieved no international fame. I want to be the one that is the exception to the rule and because of that I'm special and there will be no one else like me and other models to follow will be touted as the new Me as a compliment. I want what Kate Moss has (but with out the crack and tragicness). OMG I JUST WANT IT SOOOOOO.
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...............much.



PS: Clearly I'm in one of my moods and this is just venting, but not all together exaggerated. Maybe I just need some attention.

I = Dumb + RIDICULOUS

So I've now optioned to take an easier Calculus course for biology students. I feel like a cheater. This class is so much easier than the regular one. They omit 3 chapters that the normal one does. How is that ok? How can you allow people to walk around not knowing how to rotate curves to make 3D shapes to find their volume and surface area. This is bull shit. I feel like I should be wearing a helmet. I really feel like I want to change back to the other class but I don't know if I'll be allowed. Also the instructor of the other class is much better than this one. This one feels like she's babying us and using alternate names for rules. Like instead of the summation rule of integrals she says "divide and concur". Doesn't that just make you want wish God would smite you right there and then? In truth I should make it easier for myself coming back to school but I feel like I rather fail at something hard than succeed at something easy. It's a false sense of achievement, it's like me beating a baby at arm wrestling it's just not that great. Even if I got an A+ I would feel cheep, especially because I've taken the harder class before. I should stay in this class and just boost my GPA and shut my trap.

Thursday May 15 2008

Update: So on Wednesday I confirm with the Orthodontist that she can do everything she could do with braces for me with innvisalign and also that her husband will do my veneers. Also I'll be able to whiten my teeth using the invisalign trays with a take home whitening kit. So she'll just give me a little tube of dental bleach and I'll do it at home for cheep.

When I get home I decide to visit my highschool, it's really depressing. I talk to my old English teacher and break the news to her that I'm gay and have OCD. Really it's just too much fun for one to handle, it's positively criminal. And while I talk to her two things happen. I find out that I'm psychic. I tell her I had a dream about her getting fat and about another teacher living in a mansion. She then tells me that she's pregnant and that the other teacher had just purchased a condo. It's not spot on but it's pretty good if you ask me. And the second thing that happens is that my eye starts to hurt (presumably from my new contacts) so I tell her goodbye so that we can stop trying to find things to talk about and also so I can get home and take my contacts out. I take my contacts out and my eye still hurts. I think I have an eyelash under my eyelid. So I do what I always do. Lift my eyelid off my eye, look down, close my eye and press against my eyelid and then look up. This in effects rolls what ever is in the upper part of my eye socket come down. And then I see it a hair. I grab it and pull on it and realize it's not an eyelash. Really it's just a 2.5 inch hair. And I slowly pull it out. In a sick way it felt really really good.

Also I make plans to go donate blood. If you don't know, in Canada, if you are a man who's had sex with another man even just once you are banned for life from donating blood. Weird n'est pas? Especially when in the US it doesn't matter. You'd think it'd be the other way around. Well I just lie to those nurses right to their faces. What ever I've only had sex once so really I don't have AIDS. This'll be my 4th time. I don't get anything for you 4th time. I got a pen for my third though. After the pen you just start getting pins with numbers on them and they go all the way up to 750-1000 pin. Isn't that nuts. But Canada doesn't have cool pins like the redcross does.

Oh and also because I've donated so many times I can not only donate whole blood but donate only platelets. And this process takes a few hours and it's somewhat like dialysis where they send your blood through a huge machine which filters out the platelets and then returns the blood back to you. That's terribly exciting, I'll have to do that the next time. But I'm getting concerned because I keep donating from my left arm and they keep using the same spot, so now I have a tiny divot there :(. Oh well it's for the good of the world I guess.

It's more roomy than I thought.

I don't know I feel like this week everyone is either up their own ass or someone else's. Below you can see I'm not that flexible and I hope I never will be. I guess that doesn't stop other people like that girl from trying to get in though......


Is it awful that when I read the comments from London Preppy's blog that say his writing is so fantastic and wonderful and that he should become a writer make me sick? I think so. I really don't think it's a jealousy kind of thing, but I honestly don't' think his writing is THAT great. It's good, it has a clear style and subject matter and good flow but to say that he's so great really is pushing it. This may sound weird from someone who made a wiki page for him, but I'm fucked okay? Then again I always start to not like things other people like. It's such a childish way to be, but it's only when there is a lot of hype, I don't like hype. I'm starting to get bored with his blog, maybe it's because I don't really want to steal his life anymore, maybe it's because the blog is starting to repeat it's self. He keeps all the good stuff private so what's left but to regurgitate the superficial? Maybe it's just the writing style, I find it too easy to copy therefore less unique? That's how I see it. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in today. Yeah probably the mood. I just started the day off badly with frustrating contacts and getting all worked up about missing 20 mins of my math class and having little sleep. Hmmm I feel better typing this up. Oh no wait false alarm.

No dream today, no time for a dream. Only a panic attack. I missed the first 20 mins of my math class because I was too busy with my contact lenses and missed getting a ride with my brother so I had to catch a ride with the next oldest one. I get to class and oddly all the left handed people are sitting on the left side of the room. This is disturbing. And then the Prof won't give me the notes that I've missed and says I need to make a friends. God didn't I just say I had a disability and I just need the notes and I'll be fine? Fuck that noise, I think I'm going to go through CSD (centre for students with disabilities) to get them to tell her to give me the notes because you can do that kind of thing. I don't know I just feel really crazy about what I may have potentially missed from those notes even though I could probably fill them out myself. She posts unfinished notes on a website. Fuck I'm fucked. I'm really not right in the head. I have a math assignment due on Friday. Lets see if I can do it. I'm so paralysed that I can't even withstand a peek at what those questions might be.

Some times I think that I don't really have a problem and that I'm just doing this for attention and personal gain. But then I have these moments and conclude it's really not so.

I'm going to go to the orthodontist and have a consultation to see what kind of treatment I'm going to have. Braces or Invisalign. Sweet Krishna please make it invisalign!! But because of this I'm going to miss my first bio tutorial and my 5th bio lecture. The lecture isn't so bad because it's tape recorded and I have a friend in that class that will give me the notes. Yes I see it, so don't say it cause then I'll just ask you to leave. I don't want to make friends in that math class. It's full of mentalists. I feel like I'm in the "special" class. It's probably better that I feel bored and smarter than everyone than to be falling behind. Hmm maybe I am that flexible......

I've never had to study before University. So I don't know how to. It's so strange. I've never had to work hard to get something into my brain. It's really weird and frightening prospect. Not the learning part but the starting something new part. I guess you can say I don't like change, well change is fine along someone is there to launch me. I'm tragic at doing things on my own for the premier fois. I get panicked and scared and the back of my head and neck bursts into flames.

Food: apple, banana, almonds, pea pods, way to salty ground beef and some green vegetable, water, and probably the orange I still have in my bag.
Work out: was going to but was too panicked to move. Maybe I'll do it at home some how.

Brace FACE!

This has been two years in the making. I am now going to get braces or invisalign and veneers! If you don't know, invisalign is basically a form fitting clear plastic mouth guard that you wear to correct the alignment of votre chompers. You change them ever two weeks to a new one so that it is always under tension and never stops. Ideally I would like to get this but I have a feeling that I'm going to have to get braces to do everything I want to do. The problem with my teeth is that my front teeth touch edge to edge as opposed to the top teeth going over the bottom teeth. This doesn't cause me any discomfort except when expected to smile..... I should have gotten braces 2 years ago. I asked my Mother to make an appointment but she didn't want to do it and told me to do it myself, and at that point I wasn't ready to do these important things on my own. Right now even thinking about it fills me with rage having waited so long and knowing that I could have been done by now.

My Mother means well but she almost makes it seems sometimes that money is more important that me and my health. Recently I got a call from the optometrist to get a check up because it has been two years since my last one. My Mothers response was, "How much is it? Do you really need to if it's going to cost money?" HOLLY FUCKING CHRIST!!!!! We are talking about MY FUCKING VISION HERE!!! WHO THE FUCK CARES HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT ME TO GO FUCKING BLIND? If you don't know my Mom fills me with rage so easily with the smallest of gestures. So sufficed to say I blame my Mother for a lot of things, because really it is her fault. I don't get what the fucking big deal is, when my Dad died we were given $500,000 so I think a simple eye exam is less than that. So why is she being such a big bitch? I don't know she just is and lets not try and understand her because hating her right now feels way to good.

OMG it's obviously because we think that they should know better is why you get so angry with your mother. You feel like they should just know, instantly because they are your Mother but they can't and they won't until you tell(scream at) them. Just because I understand her doesn't mean she's not being a demon bitch.

So now I have an appointment in 36 days with an orthodontist and then I have an appointment with an optometrist tomorrow to get a check up and fitted for contacts. It's 7:14pm and I'm still at school, I just went to a Environmental Student Union meeting and told everyone there why I wasn't at school for spring. Basically I went crazy. I couldn't really judge their reactions, but I didn't really care, so that's a good thing. I used to care so much but now I'm just able to say it. Hmmm I should go to the gym with what little will power I have left in this day. I'm going to do arms, chest, and abs and then 30 mins on the bike. Then drink a protein drink.

Today I ate oatmeal, apple, carrot, celery, two oranges, banana, five ounces of steak, curry soup, can of tuna, broccoli and water.

edit: so I now have some trial contacts and I'm pretty happy with them, but it's quite strange being able to see with out glasses. disturbing almost.

Sunday May 11 2008

I had a dream that some how I had been shrunk down into a small tiny person, the size of a Lego person, and I was in a maze under the floor of the basement and how I was fighting to get my way out. The person who put me there keeps a watchful eye on who gets in or out. They also sent a monster in the maze to kill the tiny people. But somehow a girl saved me and pushed me into a oven thing and locked it tight, the monster peered inside but could not see me, but it did massacre everyone else. I think I'll be posting my dreams from now on but I have to figure out how to make jumps in the posts so that it's just not really really long and so that people who don't care don't have to read it.[If any of the 4 people who read this blog know how to make cuts/jumps in a post please leave me a comment telling me how!] This way it'll be like a dream log. Having a dream log is the first step to lucid dreaming.

Lucid dreaming if you don't know (loser) is when you are aware that you are dreaming and you are able to control your dream. As you get better and better at this you can fly, have super powers, compose music, work on math problems, just sit around, even create people and have sex with them! But sex is the hardest thing to do because it's much too exciting and you just wake up. There is a Wiki-Book and a Wiki-entry on it that I got all my information from and which I will try to follow. Clearly I am going to try to reach the highest level and have my way with Evandro Soldati , but I hope I don't get wet dreams....but for him it'll be worth it :D.


The counselor told me that I should make a schedule and document everything that I do so that I know where all my time is going and how much time I actually have. It's suppose to be a week long and it's almost done. I was going to post it but I decided not to because someone might down load it and try to stalk me which is no good. But what I will show here is some found art/ sculpture that I've made am quite(not really) proud of. I think it's self explanatory. If you think you know type it into the comments and I'll say if you are right.

























It's ironic, she's asking me to obsess about every hour that I spend and to write it all down. It's somewhat counter intuitive, but then again it may be better to be obsesses on staying on schedule than just not following any schedule at all and my life falling apart.....again.

Potpourri

So Friday was my skittish return to the gym. I am terrified to go back, all the stares and whispers. "Hey isn't that the guy who...." "Who does he think he......." "Where the fuck does he get off com.....". I change my clothes in the queer centre because there is no one there on Fridays and I have the door code and also because every time I use the changing room it seems like the basket ball team just finishes their practice and comes and makes me lose.

I lose a lot. I lose every time I stand next to someone (mostly guys) that are taller and have a better body than I do. And I especially lose a lot at school because apparently my school is just inhabited by giants. So at the gym I jump on the bicycle and go for 30 mins on 15 and get really sweaty. Then I go down a level and do chest with free weights. I just an inclined seat bench thing where someone has littered their weights. I wait there for what seems like 5 mins and use them. The a guy comes along and looks at me funny in the mirror. Then he says, "Are you done yet, because I was using that." I say "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you brought this bench from home." and I get off it because the weights were huge and so were his muscles. And I just continue to use my 30lb weights on a flat bench. I finish off by doing lat pull downs and back row things. After the work out I realized I should have used the cable cross machine to do chest, so I could push out forward and then down to do the top and bottom of the pec. Next time. So then I'm done. I try and not to listen to the little Imp in my head telling me to work out everything, even though I really want to. I'm trying to exercise restraint and its all about restraint and discipline battling OCD. I get up a leave and eat a can of salmon adding to the other two cans of tuna I've eaten through out the day because I've forgotten to make lunch. I take these cans from the Queer Centre because they are just sitting there for the taking.

Later I go hook up with my lesbian friends and go to the mall where we talk around. We go into Winners. It's pretty funny. After they are done looking at the womens clothes I ask where the little boys section and wonder if anyone has left their child alone. They say that I'm not a little boy and that they won't help me abduct one so we go to the young men section. I get there and the clothes start to give me a panic attack. They are hideous and for fat people. The other men there are white trash. One has one of those pencil beard things that are suppose to help define the jaw line for he has none. We leave this store deciding we are too good for it and wander the mall. I notice that I can name all the models in the advertisements. It's is pretty sad. I shouldn't be able to but I am. I'm sick. From what I can remember we saw Coco Rocha, Anja Rubrix, Chanle Iman, Brad Kroenig, Noah Mills, Nicolas Lemons, Miro, Alessandra Ambrosio, and my favourite Evandro Soladti. Club Monaco where they have Evandro in the campaigns I see a framed head shot of him. I ask the sales person what they do with them after there done with them and I offer to buy it. They ask me to leave. So we leave.
Then in the middle of the mall we see a display on Africa. We inspect it. It's like a maze where you walk through it while listening to an Ipod Shuffle which tells you the story of the life of an African child. Mine was Stephen. They talk about how he was forced into a children's army. Surprisingly there was a little girl that had to be about 8 years old with her parents, clearly this child is not equipped to handle all the killing and aids that she will find here but who am I to judge. We finally get out of the maze and we receive a bracelet. I feel a little guilty about this because I'm not as affected as I wish I was. I know all these things already. It doesn't mean it's not still horrible but I was not phased. Me and my friends chat up the volunteers, one of whom hits on my friend (lets call her Mila and the other one Crystal) really hard, I guess she didn't come off as a lesbian. We leave and promptly enter Jacob Jr. "Wow those poor Afric.. LOOK at that top isn't it faboulous?". Me and my friends decide we are bad people.

As we walk around we talk about what child we got. My friend said the girl she got was raped twice and had a baby and got aids. I said, "Only twice?". Mila got angry with me she thought I should be making fun, but I wasn't I was just surprised that it was only twice, I thought it would have been like a hundred times. And then Crystal says hers got aids and was angry that the one I got didn't get aids. I said that that's because I'm pure. I say, "Mine had to chop people up with machetes and roast the pieces being in the children army." Mila gets angry at me and the conversation goes like this:

"(My name) don't. Just don't" as if I was making it up.
"But it's what it said"
"Yeah that's what happened" Crystal confirms laughing that Mila scolded me for telling the truth.
"Oh I thought you were just being a jerk" Mila responds

What you have to understand is that I say very inappropriate things...... a lot.

Today I wake up and I feel pretty good. I finish eating the Scharffen Berger 82% cacao chocolate bar that I bought for $5.00. I'm happy that I notice I am sore in the chest and lats. Hmm maybe you don't really have to work out everything everyday. Maybe only going from 30min - an hour at the gym really is enough. What I used to do was stay for hours. I'd work out everything and then do at least an hour of cardio. I am also thinking of rejoining my Ulitmate Frisbee team so that I can get some extra cardio in when I'm not as school MWF. And plus playing real sports is way better than using a bike, treadmill, or stair climber at the gym. When you are playing sports you always have to be pushing yourself.

I've just tried an egg white facial mask. You just take a little bit of egg white and whip it up into a froth and put on your face to dry. But you're suppose to only do it once a week. I saw this online on many sites so that's why I'm trying it. I also watched a tv show saying that making your own facial products is better than buying them because a) it's cheaper b) you know the ingredients are fresh. The egg white facial works well, I think, I think my skin feels softer and pores are smaller. You are only suppose to do this once a week or your skin will get used to it and it won't work anymore. I think later in the evening I'm going to try a sugar scrub, it's a mixture of vegetable glycerin and white sugar. I think it'll be pretty good.

Sick And Unatural

Ugg I just walked in on my brother and his girl friend yuck. I don't care much for PDA, or any DA, for that matter, in my presence and I'm not involved. My brother is a particularly egregious offender of my senses. When he talks to his girlfriend on the phone he code changes (changes his voice) so that it's really breathy(imagine a BSB trying to smooth talk a girl) or so that it's really cutesy. And by far the most offensive thing he does is feed her! As if she's his pet and he owns her, ugg*barf*. OMG if anyone tried that bull shyte on me we would just be done(it's one thing to offer a bite of your sandwich and another to feed someone cake). Thanks you very much but I've been feeding myself for at least the last 16 years of my life. Unless it's done in some kind of sexy way in private including the use of fruits and chocolate, whipped cream, or honey. And what is being eaten isn't necessarily fruit :D Oh and with his previous girlfriend they wore matching sweat jacket things. SICK right? OH and the fricken pet names! SICK. The only ones I would accept are sweetheart, honey, and sugar and the only people who could call me that are Women with a long southern drawls.

Also take a look at this. It's kinda relevant. Its so funny and sad.

Just Like Narnia, But Reverse!

Ah hah! Bet you didn't see this one coming.

So lets get this cliche over with shall we? So I guess I should have known earlier that I was gay. It was so obvious. When I was in grade 2 I had a crush on this guy that sat next to me. I couldn't stop looking at him and his sexy sexy glasses. He gave me a little boy hardon. But this only lasted a day (the crush, not the erection) and I can't recall a thing after than. Also around 8 years of age my parents allowed us to watch rated R movies with them when they would rent them. There would be full frontal nudity of the women and then her and the guy would have sex. I just sat there wondering, "What the? How come they never ever show the guy's private parts?". As the hetero actors would screw, all I could look at was the guy.(What a big homosexual surprise huh?)

Then as I grew older, and time passed, everyone kept asking if there was someone I had a crush on. I truthfully said, I don't like any of the girls at our school. If only they knew that I wanted to screw some of the boys......and one of the student teachers :D Finally at the start of grade 8 I was standing around in my room (as you do) and just finally came out to myself! I first said it in my head, then I whispered it, "I am gay." I got a little concerned but not that much. I don't know why. As best as I can remember there have only been two times that I've cried about being gay, once was when my brothers said something about me running funny ( I didn't swing my arms enough for their liking) and then I went upstairs and cried like a little biach because they were challenging my athleticism/manhood/straightness? It's made sense at the time, and I was sobbing saying ,"Why me!?" over and over again. Pretty good right? The second time was when I came out to my Mommy around 17 ( the summer of grade 11) I came out to my bestest friend over the information highway on MSN. The gist of her response was, "Omg took you long enough!" The next person was my Mother who was, funnily enough, sitting in the same room as I was coming out to my friend oblivious. Talking to my friend gave me the courage to tell my mother. Well enough courage to tell her there was something I needed to tell her. But I made her guess, she went through a whole list of things like drugs and porn and then finally won the fifty thousand dollars asking "Are you gay?"(I corrected(lied to) her by saying I was Bisexual as to ease her into the idea of gayness) By this time I was crying my little homo eyes out on to her lap. I kept saying that I didn't want her to think of me different.

There was silence for a long time. Then I said what do you think? She said ," Maybe we should go to a psychologist so you can take a test and make sure." This instantly enraged me. I know right? That bitch! Then I went on a triad about how she wouldn't question if I said my favourite colour was red, or if how one of her friends said they were gay she wouldn't question it. And then to top this all off she said, "I still have to love you." Oh why thank you for doing me such a great favour! I promptly left the room grasping in my fist a newly formed grudge! I knew what she meant, her English is just crappy, but it still pissed me the fuck off. So then after a while I realized this and then kept talking to her about it. Finally she said, " I love you anyways" and all was better. (oh and I also said to her that if she was hoping for me to end up with a girl, she best not hold her breath) Now we don't bring it up really, it's just apart of life, she doesn't ask my brothers about their love lives so she doesn't ask about mine. Oh and my three brothers already new, something about internet history and gay porn, I really don't remember any of it...........I swear..... it was probably someone else..........I would never.......don't look at me like that.......... ANYWAYS it was like an open secret at that point (age18) so then I just became more and more vocal about gay things, so they all got the hint and now it's all out in the open.

I have yet to bring a boy home, that'll really test them. But first I must get one then I can start scheming.

Look at me I'm learning!

So today is the first day back to school since the "incident". I feel like I'm a criminal back at the scene of my crime. It's quite panic attack inducing. I think I'm going to have a fantasia of fits followed by a lengthy conniption that'll flow seamlessly into a completely self destructive mental break down. I think clearly that is the answer.

My first class is Calculus II, instantly depressing because half way through I realized that I don't remember shyte from Calculus I! I'm going to have to be in hermit mode for a while I guess until I can remember my differentiation rules and theorems! Unless I blow my teacher to an A. If anyone's taken calculus [and you weren't a wizard] you know the panic I feel right now.

The second class that I have is Introduction Into Ecology. This gives me a semi erection. My major is Environmental Science, so actually getting to learn about the environment is a arousing prospect instead of just plowing through general knowledge courses. It's too bad though that my Prof is about 67 years old, and talks like it too. He has a low monotone voice with a lethargic cadence to match. I wasn't tired before the class but by the end of it I was. the bastard nearly got me a few times. My eyelids felt like lead. Maybe next time I'll have to bring some music or speed. Something to keep me awake. I've already had this professor before and I knew it was him that was going to teach it but I decided to take it anyways because his tests are fair and he really is just a sweet old man that likes to mention frequently that he likes to scuba dive.

Being back at school is good though. I actually see people now instead of being sequestered in my room staring at a computer screen. But It's not all that great. I lost two of my best friends. They are a lesbian couple. They are the best friends I've made since grade 8.

Bookmark Bonanza!

So my life is pretty messy, emotionally, psychologically, interpersonally, educationally, but most apparently physically. I am a messy Bessy. my room is in a shambles. Well off and on. OCD anyone? Yes please, and make mine extra disorderly, I think I'm doing too well in school and we wouldn't want that!! :D. Not only is my room messy, which is one thing because it's finite, my computer is messy, which is virtually endless [lol you get it?] , folders and folders of random things. Some I keep forever and ever because I am sacred of deleting. This is due heritable packrattyness given to me from dear old Mommy (wrapped in Christmas paper from 1988 and that piece of string that you found one time and knew you could save it for something later). Thanks MOM! But no where are computers more endless than the internet. This is a bad thing because when you have OCD too many choices and possibilities is a bad thing because you very easily get overwhelmed by all the choices and either do nothing or try and do EVERYTHING and explore every fucking little detail and know it all [Control freak anyone? Oh yes Miss, right here please.] So when you are like me and have to know everything about everything, especially when you find something that interests you and you have to keep on clicking on more and more links until you are satisfied that you know everything you need to know about the subject. For example I will read blogs until my eyes bleed, obviously reading from the very beginning and plowing through every post until you are done and ignoring all your responsibilities in REAL life, all this to satisfy the evil Imp in my head poking my medulla making me do these things. Then I will return to these blogs/sites multiple times a day to see if there is anything new, which brings me to my Bookmarks.

So in my Bookmarks I have many folders that are the crux of my internet OCD. These ever multiplying and increasing folders house my many links to blogs and websites. The topics range from personal blogs, blogs about fashion, blogs about models, blogs about queer, blogs about the environment, blogs on fitness, and so on and so forth until the end of time. It's really quite endless and expansive. So to show how truly maddening it all is I'm gonna post them all. I have split them up into multiple folders to organize them and to also group them into manageable sizes for my browser to handle because I just right click and tell it to open all in tabs at once. YAY! Even posting them doesn't show how big it is because I look at the links on these sites and they lead to more sites. So with out anymore delay here they are.

Toolbar:
Facebook
YouTube
Elyse Sewell's Journal
Hotmail
London Preppy
Wikipedia
MSN
Modelhommes Forum - Powered by vBulletin
MODELS.com - top model rankings, fashion modeling news, free portfolio and directory for models, agencies and photographers
Google Maps
Modelresource.ca - Canada's Modelling Site


Daily Folder:
OHLALA Mag
A Cause Des Garcons
Made in Brazil
Out in Hollywood
Slap Upside The Head
Evandro Soldati Fan Blog

Daily2:
Towleroad: More than gay news for more gay men.
Closet Conundrums
GayClic, the blog of news and culture gay news, news, news, art, film, TV, advertising, books, DVDs, music, sports ...
gym ra(n)t
DEBRIEFING THE BOYS
WheRe ThE LigHtS EnD
Krautboys
Gay sports fans and athletes, your place for discussion, stories, and photos - Outsports.com.

Models:
Photographers Steven Gomillion and Dennis Leupold
red models new york
jdvision
COACD
MAJOR MODEL MANAGEMENT
" Visual Dizziness "
Good Exposure
JUSTJR

not in a folder:
I Secretly Hate Everyone And Myself
Index of /
Dudetube
Bitter Asian Men
Will and Grace - TV Shows - W Network
OHLALA Mag: OHLALA LARS BURMEISTER IN PARIS


EVERY LINK ABOVE THIS POINT I GO TO ON A REGULAR BASIS, THE DAILY ONES DAILY AND THE OTHERS ALMOST AS OFTEN AND SOME IN THE TOOL BAR ARE JUST REFERENCE LINK AND TOOLS LIKE DICTIONARY AND TRANSIT PLANNER. THE ONES BELOW ARE REFFERENCE AND MORE OR LESS PACK RATNESS.

Languages:
Russian Lessons .Net - Free Online Russian Language Lessons.
Learn Chinese - Free online mandarin audio courses
Learn German online - free Internet course
Text To Speech, TTS: English, Spanish, French, Russian, Italian, German, Portuguese, Korean, Japanese, Chinese

Environment:
Human Footprint
Fake Plastic Fish

art:
current work:running the numbers
Desiree Dolron
subfolder graffiti:
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Photos of Julie S
Facebook | Graffiti

networks:
MySpace.com photos - Lucien Thomkins - All Photos
MySpace.com - JD FAN CLUB - 26 - Male - NEW YORK, New York - www.myspace.com/184542129
Myspace.com Photo Albums - -jessie-
MySpace.com photos - Matt Loewen - All Photos
MySpace.com - Ryan Fahey - 18 - Male - The World, New York - www.myspace.com/workforthese


And this is all relatively new, since my brother recently changed the hard drive of the laptop and I forgot to save my bookmarks to my other computer. Yeah I know, I'm pretty cool huh?

Art Attack!!

Just to let you know I'll be responding to comments a la "London Preppy" on this blog,

After a long hiatus from making any any art I find inspiration and produce this. I made this with the GraffitiWall application on Facebook. The you only have brush size, opacity, and colour controls. It's a very simple program. It also as a feature where you can replay my brush strokes, so it'll look like as if you are watching me paint it in front of you. I'd post the link if it didn't show my name. So I guess I'll just post screen caps of different points of it's completion.

Hmm.... most people would say that this is a very nice picture but not me, oh NO! How many times do I have to say I have OCD? It's starting to completely define me, sigh, that's depressing. Oh great now I'm a depressed OCD nutbag. If you look at the left side you can see that the turquoise wall that I overlooked. I meant to smooth out the surface s that you can't see so many strokes and to create a more smooth realistic looking gradient. Also the shading above her left eye is too severe and dark. And her right eye needs to be tweaked a bit, the scalera darker and the eye slightly bigger. But it's too late now I can't edit it, once you post it on FB it's done and that's it. Well unless I use Photoshop and fix it. Hmmm..... I'd better stop thinking about this before I convince myself to go do it.

So naturally I want to be the bestest ever Facebooker ever to have added GraffitiWall to their page so I start to look around. I look at the public gallery and find the "This Week's Best Graffiti" and I am instantly depressed that there are other people who are just as good as I am and even more depressed that there are others who are better. My thought process at that point is as follows:

"I'm the shit!"
"OMG NOOOO I want to be the best!"
"God damn them they are better than me!"
"Hah it's okay I can still be better than them because they are probably artists in their jobs and they do digital work all the time and this is my first try at digital art like this and I'm using a mouse and you can see those cheaters are using a tablet, look at the line they drew it's too straight, they used a ruler on their tablet the cheaters!"
"Wait a minute I have a tablet too, why didn't I use it? Oh right cause it's cheating!!"
"God this guy is WAY better than me tablet or not!"
"What the hell was I thinking obviously there are other people in the world who can draw it's not only you asshole,"

Well I guess that's progress, before I might have just stopped at thinking I could still be better than them or stuck at being depressed. So then I submit my work. I get kinda pissy because they don't instantly recognize my work and place it in the "This Week's Best Graffiti". But then I take a look at recent graffiti and see other graffiti better than mine and realize they can't sift through all of the thousands of pictures submitted and find all the worthy ones.

I'm exactly the same as you....but different :D

Everyone is striving to be different and special, above the rest. I think that too many times we are told that we are unique or need to be special when we are so very alike. Being different is not any better or worse than being the same. I agree that everyone is different in certain ways, superficial ways, but I strongly believe that we are all the same in general. You can see people struggle and try so hard to be different when that's the most conformist thing to do, is try to be different because everyone is trying to be different, special. Maybe they aren't trying to be special, maybe they are just trying to belong because they are different? They try to belong by starting to sport the tribal garb and signifiers of certain groups like anarchist, goths, emos, hipsters, gangsters, preppys. But then sometimes you meet those people and they are just so completely different from you that there is no way you can relate to them. So which is it? Same or different? Clearly the answer is both. As with anything else human, or for that matter arguably anything in the universe, it's a contradiction. Everyone is different and unique and yet at the core the same. Infuriating isn't it? Thinking about this reminds me about Maslow's hierarchy of needs.


Maybe everyone is the same until you get to the orange part, and then everyone starts to differentiate like stem cells in embryos? Right now I would say I'm still stuck at the orange and yellow sections of the pyramid. But then you also have to take into consideration the psychology of people's upbringing. Then you have to consider gene expression and peoples unique biology. And so many other things. As my Mom loves to say "Life's so complicated huh." oh she is so wise.

Where the hell is this blog going? The fuck if I know!

So now that I've actually have comments from about 5 people I don't know [And who knows how many lurkers there are out there reading and not commenting] in real life on my blog. I'm starting to feel really quite concerned. Who are these people and why do they care what I have to say. They don't even know me, but I guess that doesn't matter I mean we listen and consider the ideas of other people all the time. (ie doctors, celebrities, teachers, not saying anyone looks to me in that way but you know what I mean) But still.... ME?!

This blog is highly personal and I don't know how I feel about people reading it especially when I know nothing about them. I never intended this blog to be anything but a journal of sorts and I certainly never tried to promote it. So here I am, do I keep writing these intimate posts or do I just give up and just use my live journal instead.

ASIDE: [Yes, I have live journal (that I don't use) because Elyse Sewell has one and I wanted to become her friend. And also I wanted to see which one I liked better, LJ or Blogger because at the time I only thought that there were two sites that offered this. Now I know better; myspace, wordpress, typepad and a whole bunch of other sites offer the same thing in different formats. Why can't there just be one that everyone is on? This is completely anxiety inducing and paralyzing because when I'm faced with too many options I become overwhelmed and either don't make a decision or just explore ever single option until I find the "right" one. As if there is a "correct" one to use. Rarely, if ever is there a "right" thing to do or choose in life, every thing is grey, I love and hate this fact. Clearly I'm psychotic, well I'm not I just have OCD/Anxiety Disorder. My doctor and therapist/counselor tell me this is the common "all or nothing mentality" associated with people with OCD. In the end I decided to use Blogger because it's more anonymous, I liked the layout better than LJ and most importantly because I didn't want all my real life friend on LJ to know how truly fucked I am.]

Well here I am again stuck, at this very moment I'm actually writing up several posts at once. Why you[nobody] say? Oh because in my sick mind I think I'm somehow going to figure out the whole world on this blog and also that I need to touch on every single goings on and minutia that ever happened, is happening, and will happen in my life. And also that I'm going to discuss everything in the world and indeed the cosmos. That somehow sitting on my bed I'm going to figure out the universe and make sense of it all. Also I'm thinking about what if this blog gets famous and a lot of people start to read this and that I don't want to post all my good post at the very beginning but instead save them when I have more readers. [Yes, it's a strange dark sticky slippery place in side my head.] All these possibilites almost debilitate me. Clearly I need some boundaries. London Preppy has very very clear boundaries in his blog. He just talks about his everyday life events on his blog that happen to him that he thinks would make for an interesting post and some minutia [like the gym] then overlays his fiction on top of it obscuring it all. No face, no names, no love, no sex nothing too personal or real. Me on the other hand no clear vision or what I want this to be, it'll end up being a craptastic melange of everything, me trying to be everything to everyone. Also I'm worried that I'll get stalkers and then they'll find me and put me into a stew. So I'm thinking if I should make an attempt to conceal my identity. But Elyse Sewell totally uses pictures of her badass self and has details of her life and she's not stew yet. But she does travel a lot so it might be hard to follow her all around the world.

So what did I decide you[nobody] ask? I'm going to just try and not to think about it. I'm just going to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks. I may or may not try to talk about the fashion world, models, the Environment, my life, queer rights and all that, and so much more. Oh and yes I think I'll keep my identity private so if you know who I am, and you know who you are, just give yourself a lobotomy :D Its really easy and fun for the whole family :F.