Stuck

I feel stuck, I feel like I have nothing to give, I'm trying too hard to be other people. That's always been my problem, I have a strange combination of urges to stand out of the crowd but at the same time to emulate, even copy, someone I like. I want to be different from 'normal folk' and yet I want to completely assume the life of people I think are perfect. Idolizing them really gets you no where because they have flaws in real life and they aren't perfect. And that right there is my problem, I want to be perfect, and that's why in my mind I try to convince myself that these people are perfect so that I can copy them, so that there is a black and white way to live your life, a guide to living perfectly, but we all know there really is no 'right way'. I keep letting other people define my reality and it's just upsetting that I'm so easily swayed. At one point I wanted to be like Eylse Sewell, I wanted to have her combination of beauty and intellect, I wanted to be her, she skipped grades because she was so smart and graduated with a double major and then went on to become a model. How cool is that? I still do idolize and envy her. Then I found London Preppy and thought he was funny, attractive and fun. Secretly I'm disgusted with myself that I first went to his blog because there were pictures of him and his friends shirtless, could I be more stereotypically shallow? I never became 'attracted' to him but I wanted what he had, I wanted instant acceptance even if that was only based on looks, I wanted to have hot guy friends, I wanted to have a hard gym body, I wanted people to look at me and my friends and think we were hot and cool,I wanted people to come to me, I wanted to be wanted.

But what made me realize all of this? Today I found another blogger named JA who has a blog called Gym Ra(n)t. I found it because he posted a comment on London Preppy and his picture was of his chest. So then I proceeded to look at his blog to see what there was to see. Secretly I wanted to look at it and find flaws in it(him) so that I could make myself feel better about not being as ripped as he is. So I'm looking through it, I read the description (the gist of it is : self acknowledging hedonism) then I start to look at the posts taking a cursory look around and he has pictures of himself topless and in brand name clothes. Then comes a series of changes in my thinking, first I become attracted to him from his pictures, much the same way I did with London Preppy, then I already started the process of idolizing him so I start to read his entire blog from the beginning, but then I start to notice that his blog is very much like London Preppy: pictures of himself but the face is blocked out, the hedonistic description, talking about going to the gym a lot, brand clothes. This then made me start to dislike him, "What a fool and a poser!" I thought "he's trying to be London Preppy". Then the sad realization, I wast starting to not like him because I projected myself onto him. That's not to say that JA is trying to bite London Preppy's style but that I was going to dismiss him because of what I thought he was doing, what I'm doing.

This is all very distressing. So what now? Well I still like London Preppy and Eylse Sewell. As for JA I'm going to read his blog from start to finish. Why? Because I think I owe him that for judging him so hastily. What am I going to do now? I donno blog, because clearly I need some attention? Try and be my own person I guess, what ever that means.

On a side note, I was doing laundry and one of my T-shirts had this kinda weird brown stain on it, I decided to use bleach on it, the reason I used pure bleach on it is because I FALSELY remembered that I used bleach on it a different time when I stained it and got out the stain, in actuality I used baking soda and vinegar. The shirt is off white so the part I used bleach on is white white now, and the shirt is fucked. I guess that'll be a lesson for me. It's not too bad, the shirt I got for real cheap at Value Village for 2 dollars. Yes I'm whining over a 2 dollar T-shirt, but I really liked it, it was a graphic T that said Bass in your face and had an old style marching band bass drum on it and two deer and grey sleeves and a grey collar, trust me it was all very hipster cool graphic t. Sigh. I think I'll still wear it, you can't tell that it's there if you don't know it, after all it's just slightly whiter than the off white shirt, especially when the shirt is all ripply, the way that T-shirts are. Except you can see it when you flatten it out. This is just like the time hydrochloric acid was split on my diesel jeans and dark grey, short sleeve V neck shirt I was wearing in my chem lab. And when I woke up in the morning there were holes in them. Sigh. Maybe with this shirt I can just hope that the spot gets dingy to match the off white colour of the rest of the shirt? Wow all my OCD and Anxiety disorder come in to disturbing focus here. GOD damn it , it's just a freaking 2 dollar shirt!

edit: I've read the gym ra(n)t blog and I think I like it so far, I was too fast to judge.