What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe my oldest Brother was right. I shouldn't have watched so much television when I was younger. How could it not affect me? It's 3 am and I'm looking through modeling blogs, dredging the photo sections of model Myspaces I find, and trying to figure out how to gain access to the Facebook profiles of pretty people I come across. Dozens of photos downloaded awaiting to be sorted into folders never to be looked at again. Why do I do this? Why can't I go make my own happy memories instead of trying to steal them from others? Just now I've saved a bunch of photos of the model Matt Loewen and his girlfriend. Their smiling faces surrounded by the New York City club scene and their fellow model friends. They so effortlessly look great in these pictures. Perfect smiles and perfect skin.
I wish I could have what they have. Why do I feel like I'm old, like I've lost time. I'm going to be 20 June 8th but I feel like I'm turning 50. I want to stay 19 forever. I know that life could be worse and yet this is what I want. I know that there are far more important things in life, but how come I can't have this unimportant thing too? Is it because I know the truth, that looks aren't as unimportant as we hope they are, that people will in fact treat you and perceive you differently because of your race, because of your sexual identity, because of your money, because of your education, because of your height, because of your weight, because of your muscles, because of your teeth, because of your voice, because of your hair, because of your clothes, because of what you seem to be. Why can't I just be one of those happy soon to be 20 year olds? Thinking the world is great and they are going to be young and attractive forever. Why can't I have that ignorance? When was my innocence stripped from me?Why wasn't I protected from horrible truths. Why was it taken from me so young? I was only a child and it was taken from me... and I didn't resist. Now this is who I am, for better or worse.
I wish I could have what they have. Why do I feel like I'm old, like I've lost time. I'm going to be 20 June 8th but I feel like I'm turning 50. I want to stay 19 forever. I know that life could be worse and yet this is what I want. I know that there are far more important things in life, but how come I can't have this unimportant thing too? Is it because I know the truth, that looks aren't as unimportant as we hope they are, that people will in fact treat you and perceive you differently because of your race, because of your sexual identity, because of your money, because of your education, because of your height, because of your weight, because of your muscles, because of your teeth, because of your voice, because of your hair, because of your clothes, because of what you seem to be. Why can't I just be one of those happy soon to be 20 year olds? Thinking the world is great and they are going to be young and attractive forever. Why can't I have that ignorance? When was my innocence stripped from me?Why wasn't I protected from horrible truths. Why was it taken from me so young? I was only a child and it was taken from me... and I didn't resist. Now this is who I am, for better or worse.
2 comments:
Only really stupid people are carefree. The smarter you are, the more you worry. When you get older and have money and your own place and lots of friends and have gone through a dozen boyfriends or so, you will be much more chilled out. Use your insecurity to drive you to work harder. That's what keeps Martha Stewart and Donald Trump going!
zach: They often say "Ignorance is bliss". But I'm also going to say thanks for saying I worry a lot only because I'm a freaking genius, I may have paraphrased:DD
Ehheh easier to say than to do, usually my insecurity is debilitating. And isn't that bad too, using it to make you work harder? It's like using violence to make your employees work harder? What happens when I fail under the pressure of this insecurity after buying into it for so long and building myself up for a fall? Also it still isn't curing the disease just treating the symptoms. I want to not have to play into the lie but just learn not the believe it anymore.
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