Time In Mind

I seem to keep doing this. I keep thinking about how old I am and comparing myself to others, to what they have accomplished by my age and why haven't I done something equally great? (most annoyingly i compare myself to actors and or their fictional characters) Or that I am wasting my youth. These years I can't get back and they are the ones that will be when I am most attractive and free.

Also weighing on my mind is the fact that I started University straight out of high school in 2006 and now it's almost 2010 and I'm still finishing up my first year courses.

Photos

I always run into this problem with photos. I think it's because people only take photos of when they are happy. They are the record of the highlights of life. People rarely take photos of when they are sad or when someone dies or when they are abused. I sometimes look at photos and become jealouse of the subject and their life. But this superficial happiness in my opinion isn't life, at least not on it's own. All the trageties and hardships of my life, coming to terms with my same sex attraction, death of my father, childhood abuse and the hands of a family member, OCD, and now the struggles with my mothers cancer. I think it's these experiences that give my life meaning more than my happy memories. It's these experiences that give me strength not the happy ones. It's these experiences that ground me in ways happy memories can't. If this is true then why don't we photograph these unhappy memories. Maybe it's because we don't need to. We remember the sad memories more than the happy ones, they seem to be more relavent more practical to remember perminently fearing they will happen again. Happy memories I have very few of. Even now I struggle to recall one. Perhaps it's because for me my happy memories aren't big events like sad memories. They are just glimpses, heartedly welcomed and easily forgotten. It's hard to say I wouldn't trade my sad memories for happy ones. That I wouldn't rewrite my life to have my Dad still alive never having cancer, for my Mother to be free of cancer,to never have been abused at 6, to being straight, to never have had panic attacks. It's hard to not want all of these things undone but pulling on these threads is a daunting prospect. What assinine fool would I become? Maybe an even more frightening thought is how much of a better person would I have become. The fear that these sad experiences have stolen from us.

So this is where I sit pondering the alternate lives I could have lived trying to make sense of all the sadness and happiness. Am I happy horrible things have speckeled my life? It's hard to say, but I will not just let them take from me, I will grow from it just in the same way plants need to be pruned to allow them to grow. Horrible things will happen to all of us, we just won't want to take pictures of them.

This is getting annoying

I keep relapsing into my OCD again and again. I really need to find a way to fix this. Drugs is not a long term solution I want. I am trying to just feel the anxiety, acknowledge it and then push past it. It gets really difficult because I let so many things get to me.

Evandro In Technicolour :D

OH my Dear Evandro!!!!!!

SO MANY GOODS!!!!!!!

My Birthday Cake

Things are just fucking wonderful

I fucking planned a party and made all this food and no one is coming now. It's my own fault for thinking I have actual friends. I hate everyone.

Edit: Well like usual I over reacted, people did come :P tee hee. It was a good time especially cause Evandro came by :P

I feel like I am never on the inside. I'm always on the outside. Even when it's a birthday party for me I feel like I have to choose a circle of friends and invite all of them to come. Like I'm just the venue for these friends to have fun. I feel like I keep changing. I keep changing and that just naturally makes certain people incompatible with me any more. Is that horrible? "Oh sorry there Bob but I keep evolving personally and you are now obsolete. You have served your purpose for me and I am moving on."

I hate feeling like this. Today June 7th, the day before my birthday I suddenly think "this might be the last birthday that I will spend with my mother, 21 years ago we were one and now we might finally be separated forever". I hate feeling like I am preparing to say goodbye to my mother.

New Moon Screen Caps

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

With out a doubt, this person is a genius.

So Many Wins

Less Than Expected

So after a long time since London Preppy fell into a well I've actually gotten around to reading the book behind the blog. I finished reading the novella after some east Indian lady took a pint of my bloods. It was underwhelming. I thought that it would have been more shocking. I think I liked the book more before I read it. Like just the idea of it. The gist of the book was that there is some kid Clay (who is rich, pretty, young, does drugs, and so are all his friends) and he is emotionally numb, in a way to protect himself from all of the horrible things that happen around him. Can I relate, sorta. I think most people who've read Less Than Zero will find it shocking. I think it was lost on me because I've read things that are far more shocking and I guess in a way I had already torn my shocking literature hymen. The book that took my flower was "The Sluts". Fitting no? Teee heee the sluts took my cherry la la la. Anyways. The sluts was about a rentboy and a website where people can post reviews of the rentboy and there is this boy Brad and the reviews progressivly get more and more depraved and confusing as accounts contradict each other and we don't know who is telling the truth. Brad is beaten up, limbs broken, amputated, castrated, and killed. Don't worry they go into far more disturbing detail than I will go into here.

So LTZ was tame in comparisson. I guess you always remember your first time and compare everything else to it. I do have to say that LTZ is more focused on character development than The Sluts because the sluts was basically just a long ride of accounts of Johns doing horrible things to Brad. In LTZ Clay sorta has a character arch. It pretty much ends the way it started. I think this was the intention of the author. The book often repeats "dissapear here" and that's one of the main themes of the book. People may enter LA with morals and ethics but soon they dissapear and giving way to headonism and blah blah blah. BEE does get across the feeling of summer. Where days blur into each other. Doing the same things everyday nothing changing. It was alright. It's not a book you should read if you want something with strong plot or character evolution. It's main goal was to record a very specific subculture of LA in the 80's. This I feel that it does very well. But is it my favourite book ever, no. Is it my favourite book I've read in a while? No. Reading it felt like I was looking through an old photo album. So it didn't realy feel like I read a story just a collection of snapshots. Also I didn't care for the characters. I just did not care. It didn't seem like anything 'bad' was gonna happen to Clay. In the sluts you do give a shit cause you are liek OMG we have to find Brad and save him from himself! They are gonna muuuuurrrrder that poor boy.

Well what am I trying to say here. The book was ok. Would I recommend it to someone. Sure. I guess I just couldn't relate. But that doesn't mean others can't find meaning in it. I just didn't. I think I'm gonna stop typing now. :)

Elementary Memoirs

Preschool: I remember crying. My Mom dropped me off and said that she would stay and sit by the door and that she would watch me go play. So obviously when my back was turned she fucked off. I was like wtf mofo where the hell you done gone biach and then I cried a whole bunch. After I stoped crying and figured out that I had to stay there I was like fine. 'Stupid kids' I thought to myself. The only other thing I remember doing is making a picture in a salad spinner where you spin it and then pour paint in the hole. I remember that I liked doing that a lot and spinning the spinner super fast. I felt all cool and strong cause I could do it really fast. I remeber that I liked my teacher or what ever. Her name was Natasha.

Kindergarten: I don't remember too much about kindergarten. I know that I cried when I got there. Because yet again my Mother said that she was going to stay by the door. This time I knew better and called bullshit on that. So I sat with her and was like ' You aint goin no wheres bitch'. Then she must have been like, 'I have to go now! Let go! Deal with it!' and I was all like sheeeeeiiiiittt. So then after I cried I had to talk to all these kids who I thought were stupid and I was all like. I am better than you. There was this one little boy and for some reason I remember that either I dremnt that I wanted to grab him and put him on the long table and drag him through all the shit on the table. I think he did something mean to me. If you don't know, if you cross me I'll cut you. I can't remember my teacher but some how I have a feeling it was Rosie O'Donnald. ANNNNNYYYY HOOO. Oh and I remember I had to wear a different pair of shoes in the class room than the ones I wore outside. Weird.

First Grade: I think I had a teacher named Mrs. Quan. She was cool I think. I can't remember too much except my best friend was in my class whom I met in Kindergarten. Him and I would always go to each others birthdays till like grade 8.

Second Grade: I had Mrs. Quan again. I was happy cause I liked her. My best friend and only friend went in a different class and I was sad because of that. But I was so weird. It's like I thought that I couldn't hangout with him unless I was in the same class or something. Weird I know. Mmmm at recess I don't remember playing much with the other kids. I remember playing freeze tag, redrover, go stop, and sailormoon. I think I liked to be on my own a lot. I would just play on my own or just walk around the school like 50 times. Oh and also my brother went to the same school. He's 3 years older than me so then I would go seek him out a lot cause I thought I was hot shit and wanted to hang out with the older kids and also cause I was shy and felt good around my brother. I thought I was so much mature and cooler than my peers so I ditched them often. In class I think I was a good kid. I was always quiet. I remember having spelling tests and I would fail so hard. I guess I was late to learn how to read. It was nuts. The teacher was like OH EM GEE learn to spell retard. And then I cried. There was also this girl in my class who was doing like grade 3 math and I was so jealous. On my report cards the teachers would always say that I was really quiet but that they could tell I was really smart. And I think I remember we got some sex education where Mrs.Quan brought out two dolls with nipples and a penis and a vagina. I was like whoa nelly. I think I remember something like she would ask us things about the body parts and she would be like 'what's this here' and I would be like ' ohh ohho ohh me me me, TESTICLES!" and she's like yes. And what is the skin called? "SCROTUM!" lolz. Then she would point to the boobs and I would be like Mamory Glands!. And she's like whoa so good. I don't know why but I just knew a lot about sex and sex parts when I was a kid HAH. Like my first memory is of me waking up and almost like a computer booting up things went through my head. My name is blank, I am 3 years old, I am a boy, sex is penis in vagina, this is my family. And then I climbed on a chair and started to eat dinner with them. OH and then one time some guy came into class to talk to us about bike safety and then at the end he asked. "if you follow all the things I told you to do will you be 100 percent safe?" Everyone said "Yeeeesssssssss" but I was like "NOOOoooooo". I was all like what if you get hit by a car you still gonna get messed up and what if you like are going really fast and the hit a log and then you go flying and then you get impaled on a post! The guy then said "hey who said no?" I was scared being singled out so i didn't raise my hand. Then one kid named ricky raised his hand and the guy was all like yes that's right even if you are being safe that doesn't mean you will be because of other people. I raised my hand but inside my desk and I was like god motherfucking damn it. Cause the guy said ricky was the only one who was right!!! GAHHHh iwas right toooo! God damn. ANd then I ran around saying you heard me say 'no' right right!? AGG i was right too~. OCD MUCH ? :D. I think I knew alot about private parts cause I was allowed to watch all kinds of movies. Just anything and everything. Like there was nothing off limits. Maybe except for porn. R rated movies were common in my house and we as a family would watch it all together and there would be sex scenes and full frontal and boobies but no penis and I was all like, where's the PEEN? HAh gay much. YEah i know :P.


Third Grade: I was in a new teachers class Mrs. Berry I think. She was pretty nice I don't remember too much. She started a knitting club and I wanted to join cause I thought it was really cool to be able to make shit. Little did I know that it was extreamly faggy of me. OH well. hah. But I went like a few times and then gave up I think cause at that time all my motor skills were shit and they would only come after peuberty. But then my teacher got sick, she had cancer and then she lost all her hair and then eventually fucking died. And I remember being like, Oh well and went on with my day. HAH so icy. Then we got a replacement who had brown hair and looked like a witch. And we had to like do these dayly journals where you had to write something, anything and then make a picture and I was always so bad at these things cause I was so OCD and didn't know what to do unless I was told to do it. So then I would sit there for the longest time just thinking about what to write/draw and i was always rushed for time to come up with at least a page where half of it was a drawing and the other part like 30 words. The first time the teacher was all like wtf and I was like, I have writers block wiach step off already. And then after it kept happening all the time she was just like oh he has trouble. But one thing I remember is that I made one journal about barney and how we had to kill him cause he was using rainbow powers on us and then he was too strong and the people were like "retreat!!" and that the teacher brought it up to my parents at parent teacher conference saying it was a really good word. I felt all proud. Oh and there was this one kid Balraj and he liked to kick and hit kids but not in a bully way just in a retard way and then everyone would kick and punch him back it was so weird. And then there was this kid named Jonothan he was fat and spanish and he would talk to me in spanish cause i knew spanish and then he had to sit by the teacher because he would talk to much and then out of nowhere he smashed his forehead against the the corner of the teachers desk and then he was all bleeding. And I was like teacher he's bleeding. And she's like whoa.

Fourth grade: I had a teacher named Mrs. Deio of something like that. She was indian. I don't remember too much but I think we had to do an IQ test thing and I totally rocked that shit and would like do the questions all the way up to like grade 12. At this point I wasn't a very good reader and had low self esteem. I barley read at all and couldn't spell for shit but I think because of the read proficciancy IQ test thing they put me in the advance reading group. HAH I know so funny. I think the reason I knew so many words was because I would watch so much television and not just kid stuff I would watch anything where the language was harder like those R rate movies ( even the shining !)and I would add new words to my vocabulary by seeing how the word was used in context and then just figure out what it meant. Apparently other kids could no do this so then I was put in the challenge group. It was called electric butterflies and it was pretty cool to feel all special like that. I remember that we celebrate dewalli and they brought in these indian deserts and I was all like om nom nom nom on them. Oh and I think at this time I would always go home for lunch because I lived like 10 meters from school so I just went home at lunch with my brother and my bff. We would go ther eat really quick and watch sailormoon and also play bomberman and be late for class lolz.

Oh god everything is really going back to the way I used to be. Christ save me. I am starting to look at the same old blogs I used to read and I am also creeping people on facebook envying their lives.

Fight Or Flight

So far I'm a wreck.
I've missed two archaeology quizes and a chemistry midterm. I Know I can get a note from my doctor with whom I have told everything to. She understands what kind of mental sturm und drang I am going through. I just don't want to throw everything away. I am pretty close to finishing out the semester and I'll have to have a laser focus to catch up and make up things i've missed. It's alot of work but seeing as I only have two courses and apparently I'm really good at archaeology it's really just one course I need to over haul it is doable but I just don't know if i can handle the stress of it all. I've asked my doctor to prescribe me a high dose of sertraline to see if it can calm down my nerves. We will see. I really hope I choose to fight.

Yummy

I like how when I read my older posts I just want to delete them all. I tend to blog when I am feeling pretty emotional.

Well what has been going on recently. Well my Mom has breast cancer. The prospect of losing both my parents in the span of 3 years to cancer is a bag of crap. I don't know if I can concentrate on school enough to get through it. Also that I have divulged a dark secret to my family. It rocked them to say the least. Then there were discussions about me going to go stay at my friends house if I wanted so that I could have a respite from the situation. I've had years to deal with it and I just sprung it on them in the aftermath of a family argument. Reopening this wound was probably a bad idea. It's taken me about a month to quell the emotions that it spews. I guess you could say I repressed the memory, but I don't really forget it I guess I just compartmentalise it and just bury the emotions. I've kept this secret since I was 7-8 ish, so I've had many many years to deal with it in my head, to chew on it and then ultimately spit it out. I feel like sometimes I have more than my fair share of tragedy in my life. Dark secret, being in the closet, dad dies, diagnosed with ocd, becoming a failure at school, and now the prospect of losing my Mother as well. I guess it could be worse. I could be a kid who is sex trafficed and then killed. Or be in a children's army. I guess it could always be worse but these events in my life are still bitter.

Is there any light? Well I've taken to making pysanky. A old Ukrainian form of decorating eggs which originally came from pagan traditions but were subsequently appropriated by Christianity for Easter. It's a process of applying wax to an egg and then dying it and then adding wax .... until you finish and you melt all the wax off and reveal the preserved patterns of colour. I'll just post a video about it here. I'll post more about it later I guess, but right now it's too late.



Anything else to be happy about? Lets hope so. I guess I always have my friends and family. Let's hope that'll be enough.

O M G

There is too much information on the internet. I want to know it all. I want to know everything but I can't and it kills me inside. I want to know everything. Oh please someone show me how to do this. I want it in my brain. LET ME KNOW EVERYTHING.

Conditional Love

So far in my life I do not really believe in unconditional love. I think anyone is able to wrong me enough that I will just not love them any longer, even family members. I think there are things everyone can do to just lose favour with anyone.

I'm close to the vanguard. I look down. The depth is comforting. If I jump my future is certain. I turn my head and look back to my wake. I cringe and look back to the welcoming shadow. It's promise is enticing, it's open invitation inevitable. I sit down and dangle my legs over the edge and wait. I wait for other offers. I wait for a reason not to accept.

Update Downlow

Things have been going well. I haven't felt the need to run away or disappear or restart. I think I'm getting better. Perhaps I really am good enough.

What Goes On In My Head

Here I will give you a glimpse as best I can into how I think and how distracting it can be and obsessive it can be.

Say I see someone using a pen and they say that they only like to use that kind of pen.

In my head I start to think:" should I use the pen too, where did they get it, what pen am I using, is it better than my pen, do they know something I don't, why is it beter, maybe I should get one, no i have many pens at home, they write so nicely is it cause of the pen, would my notes be better if I used that pen, my notes are ugly, look at how she does her notes, so neat and organized, would I do better in school if I had better notes like that, is she underlining her sub sections, should I do that too maybe with a ruler, maybe I should bring a laptop to school to type instead, it's faster, or should I just write it , it goes into my brain better when I write right, or should I use highlighters to highlight important things, what colour should i use on the subtitles, should i underline the subtitles too, there should be one colour for the main title and another for sub titles and then another for important things, one different colour pen for examples and another for just the notes and nother for graphs, maybe i should get one of those laptops that have a stylus, do i have the money for that, or should i just bring my laptop and then on a separate piece of paper do the drawings and things and the put an annotation in the typed notes to denote which picture goes where, should I not copy everything down verbatum, should i condense it, oh god i donno what to do, if i change my notes should i retroactively change all my notes."


All of that happens and it just cycles in my head thinking about it weighing the pros and cons of it all. And this all gets me very nervous and stressed out.

I just passed the 2nd week of school. So far so good. Lets keep it that way.

I LOVE BJORK

It's been three years today.
I still miss you. I still think about you.

...................fuck.

Why am I so sad? Why do all the things I used to like don't make me happy any more. I wish there was a way to make me like everyone else. To not care about anything. It's as if I'm the only one who cares. And what can one person do in a sea of stupid people. God either I need more drugs or less drugs. At least before I was happy sometimes and sad other times. Now I'm just complacent and dull and sad and don't care about anything.

I don't think everything is going to be okay.
I don't think I'm going to be okay.

I feel so stupid but why can't I feel anything? Why can't I feel love. I just want someone to love me and say it. I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me they love me and need me. And then to hug me and make me feel safe and not so alone any more. I don't know how much more of this I can handle.