Monday, December 12, 2011
Same old shit. Purge , purge.
Maybe I'm going to be a super villain because the only way to feel okay about this is to drag everyone else down. Shattering the world seems fun, it's like when you see someone build a tower of blocks or they do their hair really nice you just want to mess it up. Gosh someone give me super powers already. I really really deserve them, honest!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Where Did I Go?
"Hey I haven't seen you in ages you are never around anymore."
"Hey we should play sometime, where did you go?"
I don't really know what to do or what to say. Should I tell them? I don't have to but they are wondering why I am where I am and what I've been doing. Why I'm not close to finishing school yet. My youth stolen from me. I'm now banking on that I look young as to prolong my 'youth'.
I'm thinking about trying to audition for acting roles. I'm not sure I'm the best actor but I think I would be a great personality to be interviewed. Maybe I just want to not work that hard and just get paid for 'being me'. I think I could treat fame with an interesting take. I would do things in the public eye that I want to see celebrities do. So tangenty but I kinda want to know that people are saying. " oh I used to know that guy, what an ass face." I think I just have a fascination of what people think of me. I am infinitely interested in how people perceive each other and how that compared to what the person thinks of themselves, so when I hear about what people think about me it's easy to do that comparison and I find it really interesting.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Riddle: What is green, bitter, and full of hate?
I need to find my goal. I need to find my calling soon. I can't be like this any longer. I don't know how long I can hold out for. I'm getting desperate. What do I value in life. What do I want. What will bring me satisfaction and the adulation I crave from others. How could this story ever end well? How can I shift my mind away from being perfect and not just believe in something else. Isn't that belief the same as the one I have now? I have nothing.
I need to delete all my porn. All the pictures on my computer. They bind me. I hold onto them too much. The objects in my life that I can't destory are the ones that control me the most.
How can I realize that their lives aren't perfect. That their lives are not something I want. That the people they are surrounded with are people that I wouldn't like. I know I wouldn't like them. I know these people. They bore me. But I want them. I've learned to want them. Why can't I let go. This is why I did it. Why I let him treat me like that. I thought I couldn't get any better, that I needed to seize the moment. I'm sick. I'm so sick and it's going to kill me.
I wish I was religious. Something to comfort me. To delude me. Dilute me. My heart can't take it. My battered psyche is being torn apart.
Can I say that it's okay because I'm smarter than them? Is that the point that I see things they don't. I see the trappings that they can't know. That is not the point is it? That's not how I become better. Not by convincing myself I am indeed better than them. To be become better I need to not care. I need to not think that I am above or below them. Indifference with an open mind and kind intentions. I need to just approach life and live it and do the things I want to do.
But what I really want right now is for the world to end. I can't even just want to die. I want everyone to die. I need everyone to suffer and die and feel as horrible as I do. I need everyone to feel the hollow feeling of their heart shriveling.
I need to stop telling people about my insecurities. It only furthers my distance from them. I thought it would make me relatable. It doesn't. People want to be with the people that I envy so much. The confident happy people. I'm not one of those people. I have to fake it. I have to fake it until I can get my foot in the door. I need to look inside. I need to know what I'm missing. I need to see. It's killing me not knowing what's inside. But is not know the only thing that is keeping me alive. What if I go in and see they are smart too, smarter than me even. What do I do then? I am out classed in all categories. How can I make myself feel worth living after that?
These are the thoughts I have on a Thursday night. I hope I don't wake up.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I don't want to play anymore, I don't like this game.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Ugggh
My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My team of therapists say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it a try, but I really hate myself.
I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. I used to be productive and have goals I reached. But that was when things were more straight forward.
I hope this team of doctors can help me better this time. I'm hopeful. Hope is irrational but it's the key to surviving depression.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Ugggh
I really haven't moved much from the first day I've been diagnosed. I hope being diagnosed hasn't fucked with my head. I really hope it hasn't. I hope knowing it hasn't made it stronger...
My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My team of therapists say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it try.
I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. I used to be productive and had goals I reached. But that was when things were more straight forward. Now I just try to survive and not be noticed.