Too much information.

Preemptive apology for bad grammar and structure because I'm scared that if I don't get it all out I may forget something.

I'm pretty close on the brink of maxing out on how much information I'm able to take in. I'm following the podcasts Ben and Dave (gay culture interest)and more newly Flat 29. I am going through their archive The numerous things I'm subscribed to on youtube and all the things that those things link to. For example overseas soap operas that feature gay couples/story lines. Watching the X Factor, Top Chef: Just Desserts, and the Amazing Race. Reading everything on After Elton and everything that links to. It has daily articles and daily aggregates of news items that links to anywhere near to 20 to 40 items most of which I explore. Watching a radical feminist anti-pornography conference on google video. Watching many videos debates from Intelegence Squared US on their website. Watching Vampire diaries, Nikita, Glee, Raising Hope, Running Wilde, The Big Bang Theory, 90210, Law And Order : SUV, and Supernatural. Thinking of watching all of Six Feet Under and Mad Men. Keeping up on what's going on in Gay Male Porn. This involves downloading and organizing porn watching it and reading news about different porn companies and what the actors are up to on multiple blogs. To give you an Idea of how much porn I have, I have a 450 gb drive on my computer and it's at least 90% porn(even some straight porn weirdly as if I don't have my hands full with gay porn). A huge stack of books beside my bed. An insanely long list of old movies I feel like I should watch. Including Oscar nominated movies and movies recommended by Roger Ebert. Not to mention all the new movies that are coming out. Keeping up with fashion and model culture/news. Rewatching Buffy with my friend simultaneously over skype. Watching the oeuvre of which ever actor has taken my focus currently Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, and Patrick Wilson. My bookmark menu is a long chaos of doom and saved pages of things I feel like I should get back to and keep up with. A laptop full of porn I need to sort through because my computer is reaching capacity. The ever daunting task of seeking out help/treatment. A unencouraging family, not to be confused with an uncaring family or an unsupportive one. A desktop full of icons. Dozens of tabs demanding my attention from watching things, listening to things, reading things, or wanting me to download and save images of hot guys and archiving them.

I know I must be missing some things. Of all the shows and podcasts I think only about 2 of them are actually less than 40 minutes long. I've basically made it so that I have something to do at every single second. I've done this to distract myself from my life and actual problems and things I should be doing. And the worst part is that I don't want to leave here and no one is really trying or successfully getting me out of here.

I need to find something in me to help myself before 20 years pass by and I really am a lost cause.

The most suicidal I've ever felt.

Inception? More like insipid.

That movie sucks. It's hardly deep, revolutionary, or novel. Multitudes of internal logic fails. Not one but two lame long phrases repeated many times though out the movie. And most importantly, you don't give a damn if anyone gets what they want.

Am I Enough?

I always ask this. I guess I never know what is enough. Will I be happy if I'm buff and have muscles and lean and model-like as well as a super genius scientist pop star actor writer singer political activist all around mary sue? I don't think so. I don't know.

I say I want to change but I secretly just want to be able to do all of it. How can what I feel be such a disorder? How can I call it that? If it's such a part of me how can I be striving to destroy it? It feels so right to let it take control, intoxicating really.

Sitting here the thoughts in my head are so strong. I think of myself as some kind of tragic figure that will be a cautionary tale of some sort but then I realize that I'm no one and no one will care if I completely lose it, then I think I should be trawling through the blogs that I have open in the tens of tabs I have open so that I can read every post and save every picture of hot men, watch every video, I think I should stop everything I'm doing so that I can work out to look like those men, then I think my room needs to be reorganized, then I think I should watch all of the episodes of mad men and six feet under, listen to music... all of it everything and organize it and categorize which is good and which is bad then I think that all these thoughts are completely crazy and that realization of that is some how shocking, it feels like I just pulled out the stopper and all these feelings of loss and sadness escape out of that sucking wound threatening to crumple my chest inward take over and it hurts, and that letting it be true means I'm just wasting my life and it's all I could do to avoid it , avoid knowing it, then I know for sure that 4 fucking years in university are gone and useless, I'm not even out of first year,
and then
those feelings get sucked back into the vacuum,
out of my head and face and I'm still,
waiting
for these unreasonable thoughts take over again.

Outreach on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: I'm a zebra... A HORNY ZEBRA
You: circumcision is bad!
Stranger: I like it
You: male circumcision should be illegal
Stranger: rhino did a good one on me
You: seriously though
You: circumcision is barbaric
Stranger: ha how so?
Stranger: It's a religious practice ass hole
You: i don't care if it's religious practice
You: why does it being a religious practice make it okay?
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: religious freedom doesn't mean you are free from child abuse laws
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: i don't have one
You: do you?
Stranger: No. But do you see me running around slamming people's relgious practices because of my opinion? No. No you don't
Stranger: *religious
You: do you condone female circumcision?
You: I only slam religious practices that harm people
You: i only slam religious practices done to people with out consent
Stranger: How does male circumcision harm someone? Circumcised men lead normal lives...
You: so do circumcised femals
You: females
Stranger: is that a question or a statement?
You: both
Stranger: You're a fucking moron...
You: i mean because what is normal
You: normal would be having a foreskin
You: but without the consent it was removed
Stranger: Normal is in the eye of the beholder...
Stranger: In the Jewish faith it is normal to have that
You: i think if you grow up and are an adult
You: you can decide to do it then
You: but if you are a child it's wrong to have it done to you
You: it's basically force on you
You: forced*
Stranger: Oh no I'm going to grow up and look minimally different than other people...
Stranger: That's your main problem it seems
You: no my main problem is that it's a human rights issue
You: and the human right is that you have a right to your body
You: having your ears pierced as a child is a minimal difference
Stranger: I still don't see your problem it's a religious practice with very little affect
You: the foreskin has a purpose
Stranger: Hahaha what's the purpose? Enlighten me?
You: it is there to protect the glans of the penis
You: it's there to keep it moist
You: and protected
You: also teh foreskin has many nerve endings that provide pleasure
Stranger: I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm circumcised. Guess what? I'm protected just god damn fine sir and have led a perfectly normal healthy life
You: I'm no saying you haven't
Stranger: Your point that it has a purpose is silly though. I'm just as fine as any other person in that region
You: but it does have a purpose in the same way a clitoris has a purpose and labia have a purpose
Stranger: Yes but if I function completely fine without it's purpose is fairly useless is it not?
You: you can function with out your ear lobe does that mean we should cut it off at birth without consulting you?
Stranger: If it's culturally accepted than yes. It's fine
You: but shouldn't it be your choice
You: it is your body
Stranger: You're just being a turd in a punchbowl. You think just because the concept of human rights (which is fairly new in fact) should take precedence over what has been being done for thousands of years?
You: I'm not trying to convince you that you are a victim
Stranger: A victim? A victim of what?
Stranger: I don't feel victimized
You: slavery has be done for thousands of years
You: so that okay?
Stranger: That's not what I'm saying fuck head
You: why should old ideas not be questioned?
Stranger: Because unless they are morally reprehensible (and circumcision really is not) they don't need to be. You're making a problem where there inst one
Stranger: And i'd love to debate further but I'm going to sleep

The Gay Male Body

http://thenewgay.net/2010/06/gay-body-fascism.html

After reading this article I have a few things to say about body image and the public discourse around it.

To work out doesn't mean that you have body dysmorphia, even if you do it solely to look a certain way.

People have the right to alter their appearance.

Blasting people who choose to work out and alter their appearance is the same as blasting people who don't work out.

To make the assumption that you can only be a really 'interesting' person on the inside or a person who cares about what they look like and thus work out is insane.

To say the only way someone could have big muscle is through steroids is sour grapes.

To say that the only acceptable reason someone could have to work out is for health reasons or improved athletic ability is misguided.

I'm not saying there is no issue here to talk about, I think we should continually talk about it. There are few things in this world that don't deserve constant questioning.

New Facebook Graffiti!! This time it didn't get deleted >:D!!!!

This time I didn't get fucked over :D Sweet right?

Pictures or it isn't real :)

I've become really weird about blogs. You can't really trust them unless they have pictures of the person. So many just seem like a fake person who likes attention.

Another ONe? GET OUT!

Amazingly, I had the power to do another after the marathon that was the three men.

Why am I not angry...?

So Many Super Wins

I like that they weren't making fun of it, making it a joke because they are gay. It just subverted it and it was kinda cute.

This is weird.

Do people actually read this blog? I mean my site meter tells me I get hits but rarely does anyone leave me a message. So if you read my blog and are in some way a fan/reader can you leave me a comment?

Muzac

New Facebook Graffiti in Progress

edit 3 hours later


Update(2 days later): MOTHER FUCKING SHIT

Because of microsofts infinite wisdom they automatically updated my computer with out my explicit say so, ie pressing an okay button, and in doing so they restarted my computer thus making me lose all my work I've done on this so far. I am on the brink of genocide, all I have to decide is what kind it's going to be. Indiscriminate? International? Domestic? I guess I'll just play it by ear

Backslide and it ain't pretty. Well the guys are but that's not the point.

Well since being off my meds I've slipped some but I guess the real test is if I'll get my footing back and keep trudging on even though my shirt is all dirty and wrinkled and I've lost a shoe.

Falling off the wagon has made me feel more myself. I feel more 'real' if that makes sense. Being on meds always make me feel a bit fake, like I was just playing the character of me and not really just being me. I guess that was the problem in the first place, I was a bit too much me and needed to mellow out.

(Even now I am feeling the anxiety build as it slowly turns into tomorrow and I know I haven't read the reading yet but because I haven't bought the book yet because I want it for free and don't want to waste paper buying one and then wanting to borrow one from the library so that I can just scan it so I have an electronic copy which makes more sense for a Resource And Environmental Management class!)

I guess that's the good thing, I feel myself and any progress I make I can, in my mind, fully attribute it to myself with out the help of meds, not to say that people who need meds and make progress with it is somehow cheating or that that progress isn't valid or not their own. At one point I felt ok with using. I thought that it was like a man with a broken leg, it's crazy to think that the man is a fool for using a crutch to help him until he could walk unaided. That analogy is still true for me but right now I feel like I need to walk on my bad leg for a while and see if that won't make me stronger. I think I need to feel the pain.

I have been doing the OCD things that I used to do before but this time things are a bit different but still not different enough for my liking.

-collecting ALL the pictures of a certain model or celebrity(just to know that I have it) and finding everything there is to know about them including reading about them or watching ever single frame ever recorded of them or about them
-or knowing all there is know about someone prolific or seen to be important
-obsessing what I look like and finding everything there is to know about looking good, from taking care of your body (ways of working out and researching each extensively and reading many forums and websites, skin, teeth, hair, feet, nails) and to fashion and how to dress well"
-being able to physically do everything, from gymnastics, run fast, jump high, swim fast, multiple kinds of martial arts, parkour, being a virtuoso at any sport to get respect from the leading people in that sport,
-wanting to be everything to everyone
- wanting to know everything, to be so informed about everything that I could give advice about everything and or talk with anyone about anything they are really interested in and be able to tell them about the latest, to be able to talk to any kind of snob (literature, music, movie, food, fashion) and be able to impress them, basically be an insider of everything
-wanting to know everything and see everything, WATCH every important movie, tv show, documentary, READ every important book(about everything), newspaper, article, blog, scientific journals, LISTEN to every important composer, musician, artists, singers, performer, radio show, speeches, talks, seminars, SEE every important works of art
-learn about everything in academia, science, math, arts, humanities, sociology,
-become some sort of super human who has the body of a model and the brain of a genius
-also all of this has to happen yesterday because time is ticking and I'm already too old
-or when being a super human gets to be too much I find a blog of someone and then I start to idolize them cause when I idolize them I can shift my definition of what is perfect to them and then I can use their blog as a how to guide to be just like them, usually the subjects of the blogs live superficial lives like they are models or they are just club kiddies that just work out a lot and have nice bodies and have nice clothes and got to the clubs a lot and travel around the world just following pride parties and they surround themselves with other gay guys that are just the same, and I pick superficial lives cause the top goals are so superficial and empty and easy to obtain which makes it appealing cause if I want to obtain the status of some genius scientist that discovered a cure to cancer that's a tad harder than say having a really nice sexy gym body and nice clothes
-some times it's not a blog it's a photo journal or like all of someones photos on say for example facebook, I will look through it and if they are like a model or just really good looking I idolize them and be really jealous of them and then start to put them down and then feel bad about myself cause I have to bring people down to make myself feel better, and I feel like I need to have a really hard sexy gym body too
-which ever ideal I'm fawning over needed to happen like yesterday cause time is ticking and I've been wasting my life
-my life is over. stop trying.

Okay so I've mentioned that stuff before on other posts. It's this whole cycle of idolizing then plans to become them then something that I can't reconcile (whether it's one of their flaws like just being a pumped up shallow club kiddie or that I cannot possibly be just like them) that then leads into depression and wanting to just give up.

But this time around I feel like although I still struggle with some of the things from the VERY long list I gave above (idolizing cycle, hoarding whether it be things or knowledge) I feel like even though sometimes I fail from avoiding one of these flareups of crazy I feel like I get through them faster. Like the cycle still happens but it's shorter in time, the changes in emotions are faster like I'll go from stage to stage much faster and then pass through the sadness or mourning of not being able to be what ever and then just go back to being reasonable. So that's good. I go crazy but it's a short hand crazy, just a quick flare of crazy and then I can get back to normal. Now it's almost instant and I basically with in a span of 15 mins I'll jump to sad from looking at the blog of a hot guy or from looking at all the photos of someone ( I sorta wanna say photo album but I feel like that means just one of the small group sections and what I really mean is just All of the photos tagged untagged grouped or not). Cause before I would be stuck in one of these cycles for like days, weeks and even a month just totally obsessing about someone and wanting to be them. I guess that's progress. I think I have been noticing this trend just in general regardless of drugs or no drugs that just the cycles have had shorter half lives. Maybe it's just me maturing? Maybe it's cause I'm just gradually getting more mindful of my own inner workings from self reflection.

I had a flare up last Thursday because I didn't have a book I needed for first week reading for my Resource and Environmental Management 100 class (REM100). I was all crazy cause he gave a reading and then I didn't buy one and I couldn't find a used one and then I was all angry that for and environmental class they wanted us to buy books instead of giving us an e-copy and just charge like 5 bucks on top of the course cost and thus saving paper. And then I was looking for one in reserve but there weren't any and then I just looked in the general catalog so that I could just take it out and scan it all and just make my own e-copy but then all of them were taken out and one was taken out till May, I'm not sure how you can do that, taking it out for like 5 months. All of this was making me freak out and then I started to go do some of the things from my list of crazy. Like internet research or hoarding of pictures and or porn or idolizing people. All of this was happening and I was in the middle of madness and I saw my good friend Crystal (note not her real name) online and I talked to her about all the stuff I was going through at the moment and the crazy things I was doing and ended up saying this.
(typos included :D)
sleepyboy: Crystal
sleepyboy: tell me the brave hound is stupid
sleepyboy: tell me im better than that
sleepyboy: tell me that i don't need to be jealous of him and the he needs to be jealous of me

Crystal: dude
Crystal: Most people should be jealous of yo
Crystal: You have a genuinely hilarious and down to earth personality
Crystal: You just like... you get it... you aren't just some fake human, you are on the periphery because you can see how fucked up people are
Crystal: It's like we are on the outside looking in, and everyone is so false and they don't even KNOW they are false

Even though saying that I am better than most people because I'm not a mindless drone is condescending to others and unfair it still kinda made me feel better although it's clearly biased and crazy talk. I did feel better cause what I took from it was that I have my own good points and I don't have to try to be someone else even if the way it was delivered was muddled with pandering :D.