Too much information.

Preemptive apology for bad grammar and structure because I'm scared that if I don't get it all out I may forget something.

I'm pretty close on the brink of maxing out on how much information I'm able to take in. I'm following the podcasts Ben and Dave (gay culture interest)and more newly Flat 29. I am going through their archive The numerous things I'm subscribed to on youtube and all the things that those things link to. For example overseas soap operas that feature gay couples/story lines. Watching the X Factor, Top Chef: Just Desserts, and the Amazing Race. Reading everything on After Elton and everything that links to. It has daily articles and daily aggregates of news items that links to anywhere near to 20 to 40 items most of which I explore. Watching a radical feminist anti-pornography conference on google video. Watching many videos debates from Intelegence Squared US on their website. Watching Vampire diaries, Nikita, Glee, Raising Hope, Running Wilde, The Big Bang Theory, 90210, Law And Order : SUV, and Supernatural. Thinking of watching all of Six Feet Under and Mad Men. Keeping up on what's going on in Gay Male Porn. This involves downloading and organizing porn watching it and reading news about different porn companies and what the actors are up to on multiple blogs. To give you an Idea of how much porn I have, I have a 450 gb drive on my computer and it's at least 90% porn(even some straight porn weirdly as if I don't have my hands full with gay porn). A huge stack of books beside my bed. An insanely long list of old movies I feel like I should watch. Including Oscar nominated movies and movies recommended by Roger Ebert. Not to mention all the new movies that are coming out. Keeping up with fashion and model culture/news. Rewatching Buffy with my friend simultaneously over skype. Watching the oeuvre of which ever actor has taken my focus currently Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, and Patrick Wilson. My bookmark menu is a long chaos of doom and saved pages of things I feel like I should get back to and keep up with. A laptop full of porn I need to sort through because my computer is reaching capacity. The ever daunting task of seeking out help/treatment. A unencouraging family, not to be confused with an uncaring family or an unsupportive one. A desktop full of icons. Dozens of tabs demanding my attention from watching things, listening to things, reading things, or wanting me to download and save images of hot guys and archiving them.

I know I must be missing some things. Of all the shows and podcasts I think only about 2 of them are actually less than 40 minutes long. I've basically made it so that I have something to do at every single second. I've done this to distract myself from my life and actual problems and things I should be doing. And the worst part is that I don't want to leave here and no one is really trying or successfully getting me out of here.

I need to find something in me to help myself before 20 years pass by and I really am a lost cause.