Backslide and it ain't pretty. Well the guys are but that's not the point.

Well since being off my meds I've slipped some but I guess the real test is if I'll get my footing back and keep trudging on even though my shirt is all dirty and wrinkled and I've lost a shoe.

Falling off the wagon has made me feel more myself. I feel more 'real' if that makes sense. Being on meds always make me feel a bit fake, like I was just playing the character of me and not really just being me. I guess that was the problem in the first place, I was a bit too much me and needed to mellow out.

(Even now I am feeling the anxiety build as it slowly turns into tomorrow and I know I haven't read the reading yet but because I haven't bought the book yet because I want it for free and don't want to waste paper buying one and then wanting to borrow one from the library so that I can just scan it so I have an electronic copy which makes more sense for a Resource And Environmental Management class!)

I guess that's the good thing, I feel myself and any progress I make I can, in my mind, fully attribute it to myself with out the help of meds, not to say that people who need meds and make progress with it is somehow cheating or that that progress isn't valid or not their own. At one point I felt ok with using. I thought that it was like a man with a broken leg, it's crazy to think that the man is a fool for using a crutch to help him until he could walk unaided. That analogy is still true for me but right now I feel like I need to walk on my bad leg for a while and see if that won't make me stronger. I think I need to feel the pain.

I have been doing the OCD things that I used to do before but this time things are a bit different but still not different enough for my liking.

-collecting ALL the pictures of a certain model or celebrity(just to know that I have it) and finding everything there is to know about them including reading about them or watching ever single frame ever recorded of them or about them
-or knowing all there is know about someone prolific or seen to be important
-obsessing what I look like and finding everything there is to know about looking good, from taking care of your body (ways of working out and researching each extensively and reading many forums and websites, skin, teeth, hair, feet, nails) and to fashion and how to dress well"
-being able to physically do everything, from gymnastics, run fast, jump high, swim fast, multiple kinds of martial arts, parkour, being a virtuoso at any sport to get respect from the leading people in that sport,
-wanting to be everything to everyone
- wanting to know everything, to be so informed about everything that I could give advice about everything and or talk with anyone about anything they are really interested in and be able to tell them about the latest, to be able to talk to any kind of snob (literature, music, movie, food, fashion) and be able to impress them, basically be an insider of everything
-wanting to know everything and see everything, WATCH every important movie, tv show, documentary, READ every important book(about everything), newspaper, article, blog, scientific journals, LISTEN to every important composer, musician, artists, singers, performer, radio show, speeches, talks, seminars, SEE every important works of art
-learn about everything in academia, science, math, arts, humanities, sociology,
-become some sort of super human who has the body of a model and the brain of a genius
-also all of this has to happen yesterday because time is ticking and I'm already too old
-or when being a super human gets to be too much I find a blog of someone and then I start to idolize them cause when I idolize them I can shift my definition of what is perfect to them and then I can use their blog as a how to guide to be just like them, usually the subjects of the blogs live superficial lives like they are models or they are just club kiddies that just work out a lot and have nice bodies and have nice clothes and got to the clubs a lot and travel around the world just following pride parties and they surround themselves with other gay guys that are just the same, and I pick superficial lives cause the top goals are so superficial and empty and easy to obtain which makes it appealing cause if I want to obtain the status of some genius scientist that discovered a cure to cancer that's a tad harder than say having a really nice sexy gym body and nice clothes
-some times it's not a blog it's a photo journal or like all of someones photos on say for example facebook, I will look through it and if they are like a model or just really good looking I idolize them and be really jealous of them and then start to put them down and then feel bad about myself cause I have to bring people down to make myself feel better, and I feel like I need to have a really hard sexy gym body too
-which ever ideal I'm fawning over needed to happen like yesterday cause time is ticking and I've been wasting my life
-my life is over. stop trying.

Okay so I've mentioned that stuff before on other posts. It's this whole cycle of idolizing then plans to become them then something that I can't reconcile (whether it's one of their flaws like just being a pumped up shallow club kiddie or that I cannot possibly be just like them) that then leads into depression and wanting to just give up.

But this time around I feel like although I still struggle with some of the things from the VERY long list I gave above (idolizing cycle, hoarding whether it be things or knowledge) I feel like even though sometimes I fail from avoiding one of these flareups of crazy I feel like I get through them faster. Like the cycle still happens but it's shorter in time, the changes in emotions are faster like I'll go from stage to stage much faster and then pass through the sadness or mourning of not being able to be what ever and then just go back to being reasonable. So that's good. I go crazy but it's a short hand crazy, just a quick flare of crazy and then I can get back to normal. Now it's almost instant and I basically with in a span of 15 mins I'll jump to sad from looking at the blog of a hot guy or from looking at all the photos of someone ( I sorta wanna say photo album but I feel like that means just one of the small group sections and what I really mean is just All of the photos tagged untagged grouped or not). Cause before I would be stuck in one of these cycles for like days, weeks and even a month just totally obsessing about someone and wanting to be them. I guess that's progress. I think I have been noticing this trend just in general regardless of drugs or no drugs that just the cycles have had shorter half lives. Maybe it's just me maturing? Maybe it's cause I'm just gradually getting more mindful of my own inner workings from self reflection.

I had a flare up last Thursday because I didn't have a book I needed for first week reading for my Resource and Environmental Management 100 class (REM100). I was all crazy cause he gave a reading and then I didn't buy one and I couldn't find a used one and then I was all angry that for and environmental class they wanted us to buy books instead of giving us an e-copy and just charge like 5 bucks on top of the course cost and thus saving paper. And then I was looking for one in reserve but there weren't any and then I just looked in the general catalog so that I could just take it out and scan it all and just make my own e-copy but then all of them were taken out and one was taken out till May, I'm not sure how you can do that, taking it out for like 5 months. All of this was making me freak out and then I started to go do some of the things from my list of crazy. Like internet research or hoarding of pictures and or porn or idolizing people. All of this was happening and I was in the middle of madness and I saw my good friend Crystal (note not her real name) online and I talked to her about all the stuff I was going through at the moment and the crazy things I was doing and ended up saying this.
(typos included :D)
sleepyboy: Crystal
sleepyboy: tell me the brave hound is stupid
sleepyboy: tell me im better than that
sleepyboy: tell me that i don't need to be jealous of him and the he needs to be jealous of me

Crystal: dude
Crystal: Most people should be jealous of yo
Crystal: You have a genuinely hilarious and down to earth personality
Crystal: You just like... you get it... you aren't just some fake human, you are on the periphery because you can see how fucked up people are
Crystal: It's like we are on the outside looking in, and everyone is so false and they don't even KNOW they are false

Even though saying that I am better than most people because I'm not a mindless drone is condescending to others and unfair it still kinda made me feel better although it's clearly biased and crazy talk. I did feel better cause what I took from it was that I have my own good points and I don't have to try to be someone else even if the way it was delivered was muddled with pandering :D.

What Goes On In My Head

Here I will give you a glimpse as best I can into how I think and how distracting it can be and obsessive it can be.

Say I see someone using a pen and they say that they only like to use that kind of pen.

In my head I start to think:" should I use the pen too, where did they get it, what pen am I using, is it better than my pen, do they know something I don't, why is it beter, maybe I should get one, no i have many pens at home, they write so nicely is it cause of the pen, would my notes be better if I used that pen, my notes are ugly, look at how she does her notes, so neat and organized, would I do better in school if I had better notes like that, is she underlining her sub sections, should I do that too maybe with a ruler, maybe I should bring a laptop to school to type instead, it's faster, or should I just write it , it goes into my brain better when I write right, or should I use highlighters to highlight important things, what colour should i use on the subtitles, should i underline the subtitles too, there should be one colour for the main title and another for sub titles and then another for important things, one different colour pen for examples and another for just the notes and nother for graphs, maybe i should get one of those laptops that have a stylus, do i have the money for that, or should i just bring my laptop and then on a separate piece of paper do the drawings and things and the put an annotation in the typed notes to denote which picture goes where, should I not copy everything down verbatum, should i condense it, oh god i donno what to do, if i change my notes should i retroactively change all my notes."


All of that happens and it just cycles in my head thinking about it weighing the pros and cons of it all. And this all gets me very nervous and stressed out.

NO NOT YET!!

NO!!

I WON'T!

I WON'T give up on life!

I am not going to give up yet!

I'm not going to go out like this!

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!

I can do it!

I CAN DO IT!

JUST FUCKING WATCH ME!

Better Living Through Chemistry

So I haven't posted in a long time. I've been on my medication for a while now, about a month I think. It helps a bit with the anxiety, it definitely takes the edge off. The biggest thing that has come out of taking this medication is that I've lost about 15 pounds so far. The medication almost completely eliminates my hunger. I'm pretty excited about it :). So I've gone from 165lb to 152lb in a relatively short time. It's so fantastic. All my clothes fit better and I just feel better about my self. I think I'll post a before and after picture soon.

Down The Rabbit Hole....

So I've taken some pills for my OCD and we are going to see if they work. They are making me tired like the ones I took before. Maybe these ones will work but so far they are just making me tired. I still have all my old obsessions even a few new ones.

Thursday May 15 2008

Update: So on Wednesday I confirm with the Orthodontist that she can do everything she could do with braces for me with innvisalign and also that her husband will do my veneers. Also I'll be able to whiten my teeth using the invisalign trays with a take home whitening kit. So she'll just give me a little tube of dental bleach and I'll do it at home for cheep.

When I get home I decide to visit my highschool, it's really depressing. I talk to my old English teacher and break the news to her that I'm gay and have OCD. Really it's just too much fun for one to handle, it's positively criminal. And while I talk to her two things happen. I find out that I'm psychic. I tell her I had a dream about her getting fat and about another teacher living in a mansion. She then tells me that she's pregnant and that the other teacher had just purchased a condo. It's not spot on but it's pretty good if you ask me. And the second thing that happens is that my eye starts to hurt (presumably from my new contacts) so I tell her goodbye so that we can stop trying to find things to talk about and also so I can get home and take my contacts out. I take my contacts out and my eye still hurts. I think I have an eyelash under my eyelid. So I do what I always do. Lift my eyelid off my eye, look down, close my eye and press against my eyelid and then look up. This in effects rolls what ever is in the upper part of my eye socket come down. And then I see it a hair. I grab it and pull on it and realize it's not an eyelash. Really it's just a 2.5 inch hair. And I slowly pull it out. In a sick way it felt really really good.

Also I make plans to go donate blood. If you don't know, in Canada, if you are a man who's had sex with another man even just once you are banned for life from donating blood. Weird n'est pas? Especially when in the US it doesn't matter. You'd think it'd be the other way around. Well I just lie to those nurses right to their faces. What ever I've only had sex once so really I don't have AIDS. This'll be my 4th time. I don't get anything for you 4th time. I got a pen for my third though. After the pen you just start getting pins with numbers on them and they go all the way up to 750-1000 pin. Isn't that nuts. But Canada doesn't have cool pins like the redcross does.

Oh and also because I've donated so many times I can not only donate whole blood but donate only platelets. And this process takes a few hours and it's somewhat like dialysis where they send your blood through a huge machine which filters out the platelets and then returns the blood back to you. That's terribly exciting, I'll have to do that the next time. But I'm getting concerned because I keep donating from my left arm and they keep using the same spot, so now I have a tiny divot there :(. Oh well it's for the good of the world I guess.

Brace FACE!

This has been two years in the making. I am now going to get braces or invisalign and veneers! If you don't know, invisalign is basically a form fitting clear plastic mouth guard that you wear to correct the alignment of votre chompers. You change them ever two weeks to a new one so that it is always under tension and never stops. Ideally I would like to get this but I have a feeling that I'm going to have to get braces to do everything I want to do. The problem with my teeth is that my front teeth touch edge to edge as opposed to the top teeth going over the bottom teeth. This doesn't cause me any discomfort except when expected to smile..... I should have gotten braces 2 years ago. I asked my Mother to make an appointment but she didn't want to do it and told me to do it myself, and at that point I wasn't ready to do these important things on my own. Right now even thinking about it fills me with rage having waited so long and knowing that I could have been done by now.

My Mother means well but she almost makes it seems sometimes that money is more important that me and my health. Recently I got a call from the optometrist to get a check up because it has been two years since my last one. My Mothers response was, "How much is it? Do you really need to if it's going to cost money?" HOLLY FUCKING CHRIST!!!!! We are talking about MY FUCKING VISION HERE!!! WHO THE FUCK CARES HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT ME TO GO FUCKING BLIND? If you don't know my Mom fills me with rage so easily with the smallest of gestures. So sufficed to say I blame my Mother for a lot of things, because really it is her fault. I don't get what the fucking big deal is, when my Dad died we were given $500,000 so I think a simple eye exam is less than that. So why is she being such a big bitch? I don't know she just is and lets not try and understand her because hating her right now feels way to good.

OMG it's obviously because we think that they should know better is why you get so angry with your mother. You feel like they should just know, instantly because they are your Mother but they can't and they won't until you tell(scream at) them. Just because I understand her doesn't mean she's not being a demon bitch.

So now I have an appointment in 36 days with an orthodontist and then I have an appointment with an optometrist tomorrow to get a check up and fitted for contacts. It's 7:14pm and I'm still at school, I just went to a Environmental Student Union meeting and told everyone there why I wasn't at school for spring. Basically I went crazy. I couldn't really judge their reactions, but I didn't really care, so that's a good thing. I used to care so much but now I'm just able to say it. Hmmm I should go to the gym with what little will power I have left in this day. I'm going to do arms, chest, and abs and then 30 mins on the bike. Then drink a protein drink.

Today I ate oatmeal, apple, carrot, celery, two oranges, banana, five ounces of steak, curry soup, can of tuna, broccoli and water.

edit: so I now have some trial contacts and I'm pretty happy with them, but it's quite strange being able to see with out glasses. disturbing almost.

Bookmark Bonanza!

So my life is pretty messy, emotionally, psychologically, interpersonally, educationally, but most apparently physically. I am a messy Bessy. my room is in a shambles. Well off and on. OCD anyone? Yes please, and make mine extra disorderly, I think I'm doing too well in school and we wouldn't want that!! :D. Not only is my room messy, which is one thing because it's finite, my computer is messy, which is virtually endless [lol you get it?] , folders and folders of random things. Some I keep forever and ever because I am sacred of deleting. This is due heritable packrattyness given to me from dear old Mommy (wrapped in Christmas paper from 1988 and that piece of string that you found one time and knew you could save it for something later). Thanks MOM! But no where are computers more endless than the internet. This is a bad thing because when you have OCD too many choices and possibilities is a bad thing because you very easily get overwhelmed by all the choices and either do nothing or try and do EVERYTHING and explore every fucking little detail and know it all [Control freak anyone? Oh yes Miss, right here please.] So when you are like me and have to know everything about everything, especially when you find something that interests you and you have to keep on clicking on more and more links until you are satisfied that you know everything you need to know about the subject. For example I will read blogs until my eyes bleed, obviously reading from the very beginning and plowing through every post until you are done and ignoring all your responsibilities in REAL life, all this to satisfy the evil Imp in my head poking my medulla making me do these things. Then I will return to these blogs/sites multiple times a day to see if there is anything new, which brings me to my Bookmarks.

So in my Bookmarks I have many folders that are the crux of my internet OCD. These ever multiplying and increasing folders house my many links to blogs and websites. The topics range from personal blogs, blogs about fashion, blogs about models, blogs about queer, blogs about the environment, blogs on fitness, and so on and so forth until the end of time. It's really quite endless and expansive. So to show how truly maddening it all is I'm gonna post them all. I have split them up into multiple folders to organize them and to also group them into manageable sizes for my browser to handle because I just right click and tell it to open all in tabs at once. YAY! Even posting them doesn't show how big it is because I look at the links on these sites and they lead to more sites. So with out anymore delay here they are.

Toolbar:
Facebook
YouTube
Elyse Sewell's Journal
Hotmail
London Preppy
Wikipedia
MSN
Modelhommes Forum - Powered by vBulletin
MODELS.com - top model rankings, fashion modeling news, free portfolio and directory for models, agencies and photographers
Google Maps
Modelresource.ca - Canada's Modelling Site


Daily Folder:
OHLALA Mag
A Cause Des Garcons
Made in Brazil
Out in Hollywood
Slap Upside The Head
Evandro Soldati Fan Blog

Daily2:
Towleroad: More than gay news for more gay men.
Closet Conundrums
GayClic, the blog of news and culture gay news, news, news, art, film, TV, advertising, books, DVDs, music, sports ...
gym ra(n)t
DEBRIEFING THE BOYS
WheRe ThE LigHtS EnD
Krautboys
Gay sports fans and athletes, your place for discussion, stories, and photos - Outsports.com.

Models:
Photographers Steven Gomillion and Dennis Leupold
red models new york
jdvision
COACD
MAJOR MODEL MANAGEMENT
" Visual Dizziness "
Good Exposure
JUSTJR

not in a folder:
I Secretly Hate Everyone And Myself
Index of /
Dudetube
Bitter Asian Men
Will and Grace - TV Shows - W Network
OHLALA Mag: OHLALA LARS BURMEISTER IN PARIS


EVERY LINK ABOVE THIS POINT I GO TO ON A REGULAR BASIS, THE DAILY ONES DAILY AND THE OTHERS ALMOST AS OFTEN AND SOME IN THE TOOL BAR ARE JUST REFERENCE LINK AND TOOLS LIKE DICTIONARY AND TRANSIT PLANNER. THE ONES BELOW ARE REFFERENCE AND MORE OR LESS PACK RATNESS.

Languages:
Russian Lessons .Net - Free Online Russian Language Lessons.
Learn Chinese - Free online mandarin audio courses
Learn German online - free Internet course
Text To Speech, TTS: English, Spanish, French, Russian, Italian, German, Portuguese, Korean, Japanese, Chinese

Environment:
Human Footprint
Fake Plastic Fish

art:
current work:running the numbers
Desiree Dolron
subfolder graffiti:
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Photos of Julie S
Facebook | Graffiti

networks:
MySpace.com photos - Lucien Thomkins - All Photos
MySpace.com - JD FAN CLUB - 26 - Male - NEW YORK, New York - www.myspace.com/184542129
Myspace.com Photo Albums - -jessie-
MySpace.com photos - Matt Loewen - All Photos
MySpace.com - Ryan Fahey - 18 - Male - The World, New York - www.myspace.com/workforthese


And this is all relatively new, since my brother recently changed the hard drive of the laptop and I forgot to save my bookmarks to my other computer. Yeah I know, I'm pretty cool huh?

Where the hell is this blog going? The fuck if I know!

So now that I've actually have comments from about 5 people I don't know [And who knows how many lurkers there are out there reading and not commenting] in real life on my blog. I'm starting to feel really quite concerned. Who are these people and why do they care what I have to say. They don't even know me, but I guess that doesn't matter I mean we listen and consider the ideas of other people all the time. (ie doctors, celebrities, teachers, not saying anyone looks to me in that way but you know what I mean) But still.... ME?!

This blog is highly personal and I don't know how I feel about people reading it especially when I know nothing about them. I never intended this blog to be anything but a journal of sorts and I certainly never tried to promote it. So here I am, do I keep writing these intimate posts or do I just give up and just use my live journal instead.

ASIDE: [Yes, I have live journal (that I don't use) because Elyse Sewell has one and I wanted to become her friend. And also I wanted to see which one I liked better, LJ or Blogger because at the time I only thought that there were two sites that offered this. Now I know better; myspace, wordpress, typepad and a whole bunch of other sites offer the same thing in different formats. Why can't there just be one that everyone is on? This is completely anxiety inducing and paralyzing because when I'm faced with too many options I become overwhelmed and either don't make a decision or just explore ever single option until I find the "right" one. As if there is a "correct" one to use. Rarely, if ever is there a "right" thing to do or choose in life, every thing is grey, I love and hate this fact. Clearly I'm psychotic, well I'm not I just have OCD/Anxiety Disorder. My doctor and therapist/counselor tell me this is the common "all or nothing mentality" associated with people with OCD. In the end I decided to use Blogger because it's more anonymous, I liked the layout better than LJ and most importantly because I didn't want all my real life friend on LJ to know how truly fucked I am.]

Well here I am again stuck, at this very moment I'm actually writing up several posts at once. Why you[nobody] say? Oh because in my sick mind I think I'm somehow going to figure out the whole world on this blog and also that I need to touch on every single goings on and minutia that ever happened, is happening, and will happen in my life. And also that I'm going to discuss everything in the world and indeed the cosmos. That somehow sitting on my bed I'm going to figure out the universe and make sense of it all. Also I'm thinking about what if this blog gets famous and a lot of people start to read this and that I don't want to post all my good post at the very beginning but instead save them when I have more readers. [Yes, it's a strange dark sticky slippery place in side my head.] All these possibilites almost debilitate me. Clearly I need some boundaries. London Preppy has very very clear boundaries in his blog. He just talks about his everyday life events on his blog that happen to him that he thinks would make for an interesting post and some minutia [like the gym] then overlays his fiction on top of it obscuring it all. No face, no names, no love, no sex nothing too personal or real. Me on the other hand no clear vision or what I want this to be, it'll end up being a craptastic melange of everything, me trying to be everything to everyone. Also I'm worried that I'll get stalkers and then they'll find me and put me into a stew. So I'm thinking if I should make an attempt to conceal my identity. But Elyse Sewell totally uses pictures of her badass self and has details of her life and she's not stew yet. But she does travel a lot so it might be hard to follow her all around the world.

So what did I decide you[nobody] ask? I'm going to just try and not to think about it. I'm just going to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks. I may or may not try to talk about the fashion world, models, the Environment, my life, queer rights and all that, and so much more. Oh and yes I think I'll keep my identity private so if you know who I am, and you know who you are, just give yourself a lobotomy :D Its really easy and fun for the whole family :F.

God I'm Depressed

What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe my oldest Brother was right. I shouldn't have watched so much television when I was younger. How could it not affect me? It's 3 am and I'm looking through modeling blogs, dredging the photo sections of model Myspaces I find, and trying to figure out how to gain access to the Facebook profiles of pretty people I come across. Dozens of photos downloaded awaiting to be sorted into folders never to be looked at again. Why do I do this? Why can't I go make my own happy memories instead of trying to steal them from others? Just now I've saved a bunch of photos of the model Matt Loewen and his girlfriend. Their smiling faces surrounded by the New York City club scene and their fellow model friends. They so effortlessly look great in these pictures. Perfect smiles and perfect skin.

I wish I could have what they have. Why do I feel like I'm old, like I've lost time. I'm going to be 20 June 8th but I feel like I'm turning 50. I want to stay 19 forever. I know that life could be worse and yet this is what I want. I know that there are far more important things in life, but how come I can't have this unimportant thing too? Is it because I know the truth, that looks aren't as unimportant as we hope they are, that people will in fact treat you and perceive you differently because of your race, because of your sexual identity, because of your money, because of your education, because of your height, because of your weight, because of your muscles, because of your teeth, because of your voice, because of your hair, because of your clothes, because of what you seem to be. Why can't I just be one of those happy soon to be 20 year olds? Thinking the world is great and they are going to be young and attractive forever. Why can't I have that ignorance? When was my innocence stripped from me?Why wasn't I protected from horrible truths. Why was it taken from me so young? I was only a child and it was taken from me... and I didn't resist. Now this is who I am, for better or worse.