Underground Railroad

So see the thing about Facebook is that people don't really know how to make their profiles unsearchable or invisible when you click on someone they know's "view friend" button. So then all you really need to do is find one sucker who didn't safe guard it and they have reviled the whole network of friends. And there is no exception for the fashion industry. So keenly I've looking through many a model's friend list and was surprised at how many SUPER FAMOUS people they know. Like Coco, Ambrose Olson, Will Chalker, Sean O'pry, Freja, Gisele, Tyson Ballou, Daria Werboe Lily Cole, Hedi Silmaine and so many more. But the only one to escape my reach, ironically, is my dear Evandro Soldati. Alas I looked through all the friend lists of all of the other Brazilian models, thinking that they would friend each other, which they do, but Evandro saw fit that he would not.

BUT, there is something weird going on, all of them didn't have an Evandro but they DID have an Elana Soldati. Fake name perhaps? His sister? We will not know any time soon.

Another thing I noticed is that models from my home city don't seems to set their profiles to privet. Strange. maybe they are more down to earth and don't think everyone out there is trying to stalk them.

Another thing I found out is that Matt Loewen has his tongue pierced and he smokes. Yuck. That is such a turn off smoking. But I'd have to say I'd probably still do him if he made the slightest move on me.

Model Friend

So my friend is studying design in University and she has been presented with an assignment where she must create a ten page editorial for a magazine and she must be able to tell a narrative with the pictures. She must pick an interesting model. Naturally she asks me and I , in a cloud of vanity, accept.


I guess a little back story is needed here. I've known this girl for 7 years. We became really good friends in grade 8. One day in grade 10 we are having art class together and I start to realise that all she is doing is repeating all my old jokes to me or that that whole time I'm the one talking and making all the jokes. And when she tries to add onto my joke (and fails) I just mentally ignore what she's just said and think about my own joke and keep laughing. She has no opinion on anything or anything interesting to say at all in general. I don't know how she has any friends. Maybe it's just because she's a push over and you can make her go along with anything you say and she will agree and say you are super great.

It was quite disappointing working with her. I don't know what I expected, I already knew she sucked at art and design but I thought that maybe she'd have learned something from school by now. I was wrong. She had no vision of what she wanted to do. I basically did the whole project for her. If I could have taken the pictures and modeled at the same time, I would have because working with her was frustrating beyond belief. I wanted to let her take control but she really just couldn't, so I just trampled her and dragged her around down town telling her to take pictures of me in places I've chosen. After every few poses I say, "Show me." and she obediently comes to me and shows me the shot. I have to do this because she has no idea on how to direct a model. Where my eyes should be looking , what my hands are doing, what kind of expression I should have on my face. I also give her the whole concept of the editorial and choose the clothing.

Surprisingly we (I actually mean me) are able to get some good shots. I'm pretty eager to see the final project and see what kind of grade she gets. Even if he layout is crap my pictures and their composition are good. So it's all up to her.

In total we had to have 3 separate shoots to get all the shots she needed. I'm pretty tired of her boring ass company. And she owes me money.

I want it.

Is it wrong that I want to be a model? That I would drop everything to fly around the world just to take pictures? I think so. But it feels so good to get paid just because you are who you are. Getting paid to play dress up. Isn't that just wrong? I just want to be one of the pretty people.

Before I can even imagine of trying to do this I have to lose about 20 pounds and then gain 5 pound in muscle. I'm not too sure about those number because I have no idea what 20 pounds of fat or 5 pounds of muscle look like. What I do know is that other models who are my height weight around 150-155 and they have model sized muscles and look proportional. I have pretty good musculature, I think, but just flab everywhere. The main area I would need to add muscle to is the all important chest. Although I know that I would also need to add to my back and arms etc too but not to the extent that my chest needs.

Then I have to get my teeth fixed and whitened which I'm in the process of doing. And finally I would need to get my skin to be perfectly clear and smooth. I think mostly I have to learn how to sleep at reasonable hours, because having too little sleep is a for sure way to break out.

This endeavour is completely shallow and egotistical but I can't help it. Sometimes this urge is so strong that I feel overwhelmed. And I want it, I want it now. I want all the attention and the hype. I want to hang around the pretty people and feel like I'm on the inside. I want to be welcomed. I want to know what it's like to be able to cast a spell on people with my looks.(even though I know I would hate it, I would never want to have that kind of control over other people where they fall over themselves to satisfy you) I want to walk around and have people whisper to their friend that I'm here "Oh look, who's walking down the street, isn't that that model from that LV campaign?".

This is completely sick. I am just really really twisted aren't I? BUT I STILL WANT IT. I want it so much sometimes and it makes me sad to know I won't have it. That I will disappear. Forgotten having achieved no international fame. I want to be the one that is the exception to the rule and because of that I'm special and there will be no one else like me and other models to follow will be touted as the new Me as a compliment. I want what Kate Moss has (but with out the crack and tragicness). OMG I JUST WANT IT SOOOOOO.
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PS: Clearly I'm in one of my moods and this is just venting, but not all together exaggerated. Maybe I just need some attention.

Sunday May 11 2008

I had a dream that some how I had been shrunk down into a small tiny person, the size of a Lego person, and I was in a maze under the floor of the basement and how I was fighting to get my way out. The person who put me there keeps a watchful eye on who gets in or out. They also sent a monster in the maze to kill the tiny people. But somehow a girl saved me and pushed me into a oven thing and locked it tight, the monster peered inside but could not see me, but it did massacre everyone else. I think I'll be posting my dreams from now on but I have to figure out how to make jumps in the posts so that it's just not really really long and so that people who don't care don't have to read it.[If any of the 4 people who read this blog know how to make cuts/jumps in a post please leave me a comment telling me how!] This way it'll be like a dream log. Having a dream log is the first step to lucid dreaming.

Lucid dreaming if you don't know (loser) is when you are aware that you are dreaming and you are able to control your dream. As you get better and better at this you can fly, have super powers, compose music, work on math problems, just sit around, even create people and have sex with them! But sex is the hardest thing to do because it's much too exciting and you just wake up. There is a Wiki-Book and a Wiki-entry on it that I got all my information from and which I will try to follow. Clearly I am going to try to reach the highest level and have my way with Evandro Soldati , but I hope I don't get wet dreams....but for him it'll be worth it :D.


The counselor told me that I should make a schedule and document everything that I do so that I know where all my time is going and how much time I actually have. It's suppose to be a week long and it's almost done. I was going to post it but I decided not to because someone might down load it and try to stalk me which is no good. But what I will show here is some found art/ sculpture that I've made am quite(not really) proud of. I think it's self explanatory. If you think you know type it into the comments and I'll say if you are right.

























It's ironic, she's asking me to obsess about every hour that I spend and to write it all down. It's somewhat counter intuitive, but then again it may be better to be obsesses on staying on schedule than just not following any schedule at all and my life falling apart.....again.

Bookmark Bonanza!

So my life is pretty messy, emotionally, psychologically, interpersonally, educationally, but most apparently physically. I am a messy Bessy. my room is in a shambles. Well off and on. OCD anyone? Yes please, and make mine extra disorderly, I think I'm doing too well in school and we wouldn't want that!! :D. Not only is my room messy, which is one thing because it's finite, my computer is messy, which is virtually endless [lol you get it?] , folders and folders of random things. Some I keep forever and ever because I am sacred of deleting. This is due heritable packrattyness given to me from dear old Mommy (wrapped in Christmas paper from 1988 and that piece of string that you found one time and knew you could save it for something later). Thanks MOM! But no where are computers more endless than the internet. This is a bad thing because when you have OCD too many choices and possibilities is a bad thing because you very easily get overwhelmed by all the choices and either do nothing or try and do EVERYTHING and explore every fucking little detail and know it all [Control freak anyone? Oh yes Miss, right here please.] So when you are like me and have to know everything about everything, especially when you find something that interests you and you have to keep on clicking on more and more links until you are satisfied that you know everything you need to know about the subject. For example I will read blogs until my eyes bleed, obviously reading from the very beginning and plowing through every post until you are done and ignoring all your responsibilities in REAL life, all this to satisfy the evil Imp in my head poking my medulla making me do these things. Then I will return to these blogs/sites multiple times a day to see if there is anything new, which brings me to my Bookmarks.

So in my Bookmarks I have many folders that are the crux of my internet OCD. These ever multiplying and increasing folders house my many links to blogs and websites. The topics range from personal blogs, blogs about fashion, blogs about models, blogs about queer, blogs about the environment, blogs on fitness, and so on and so forth until the end of time. It's really quite endless and expansive. So to show how truly maddening it all is I'm gonna post them all. I have split them up into multiple folders to organize them and to also group them into manageable sizes for my browser to handle because I just right click and tell it to open all in tabs at once. YAY! Even posting them doesn't show how big it is because I look at the links on these sites and they lead to more sites. So with out anymore delay here they are.

Toolbar:
Facebook
YouTube
Elyse Sewell's Journal
Hotmail
London Preppy
Wikipedia
MSN
Modelhommes Forum - Powered by vBulletin
MODELS.com - top model rankings, fashion modeling news, free portfolio and directory for models, agencies and photographers
Google Maps
Modelresource.ca - Canada's Modelling Site


Daily Folder:
OHLALA Mag
A Cause Des Garcons
Made in Brazil
Out in Hollywood
Slap Upside The Head
Evandro Soldati Fan Blog

Daily2:
Towleroad: More than gay news for more gay men.
Closet Conundrums
GayClic, the blog of news and culture gay news, news, news, art, film, TV, advertising, books, DVDs, music, sports ...
gym ra(n)t
DEBRIEFING THE BOYS
WheRe ThE LigHtS EnD
Krautboys
Gay sports fans and athletes, your place for discussion, stories, and photos - Outsports.com.

Models:
Photographers Steven Gomillion and Dennis Leupold
red models new york
jdvision
COACD
MAJOR MODEL MANAGEMENT
" Visual Dizziness "
Good Exposure
JUSTJR

not in a folder:
I Secretly Hate Everyone And Myself
Index of /
Dudetube
Bitter Asian Men
Will and Grace - TV Shows - W Network
OHLALA Mag: OHLALA LARS BURMEISTER IN PARIS


EVERY LINK ABOVE THIS POINT I GO TO ON A REGULAR BASIS, THE DAILY ONES DAILY AND THE OTHERS ALMOST AS OFTEN AND SOME IN THE TOOL BAR ARE JUST REFERENCE LINK AND TOOLS LIKE DICTIONARY AND TRANSIT PLANNER. THE ONES BELOW ARE REFFERENCE AND MORE OR LESS PACK RATNESS.

Languages:
Russian Lessons .Net - Free Online Russian Language Lessons.
Learn Chinese - Free online mandarin audio courses
Learn German online - free Internet course
Text To Speech, TTS: English, Spanish, French, Russian, Italian, German, Portuguese, Korean, Japanese, Chinese

Environment:
Human Footprint
Fake Plastic Fish

art:
current work:running the numbers
Desiree Dolron
subfolder graffiti:
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Graffiti
Facebook | Photos of Julie S
Facebook | Graffiti

networks:
MySpace.com photos - Lucien Thomkins - All Photos
MySpace.com - JD FAN CLUB - 26 - Male - NEW YORK, New York - www.myspace.com/184542129
Myspace.com Photo Albums - -jessie-
MySpace.com photos - Matt Loewen - All Photos
MySpace.com - Ryan Fahey - 18 - Male - The World, New York - www.myspace.com/workforthese


And this is all relatively new, since my brother recently changed the hard drive of the laptop and I forgot to save my bookmarks to my other computer. Yeah I know, I'm pretty cool huh?

Fashion show

So today around 7pm I was invited to go to a private clothing sale of some store called J2 by my brother's girlfriend. Dope shite right? NO, well at first it wasn't. We had to wait outside the mall waiting for them to get ready because unbeknownced to us there was going to be a fashion show. Wow trendy clothed people everywhere, I'm talking kinda HK trendy. I've never seen so many converse shoes worn with Arab scarfs. And by the way IMO Arab scarfs are Done.

The show opens with some amature dance crew (clearly didn't get paid) that look like they are still in high school. The attitude of the dancers are varied from "so smug you wanna smack'em cause they aren't that good" to "what am I doing here". Their execution of the moves are lackluster but still enjoyable in a "omg did the worse dancer just get a solo?" kinda way. After what seems like 15 minutes of limb wriggling they send out the first model. And the models are not that much better than the dancers. One male model is walking so slow it's like he just got out of bed. Another male model laughably leads with his shoulders every step. A female model decides that the best way to show off her outfit is to canter like a horse down the catwalk, arms straight down, and chin up. And the another female model decides that no she doesn't need to pull her shoulders back, they are fine just where they are in front of her chin.

Some bitchy things I say during the show:
"DOWAH! No she didn't just do a mid runway pageant turn and pose!!!"
"Bitach, just pull back your shoulders!"
"Why even turn up if your gonna sell it like that?"
"Whoa there horsey!"

The clothes they send out are.... trendy. They are okay if you like that style. They did send out a long coat that I would describe as "homeless chic" in that it was too big and had over sized saggy pockets, it wouldn't be out of place if you were Mila Jolavic in resident evil and needed to kill some zombies. And they also sent out a Metallic grey suit, *yawn* no more metallics, they are also Done. They tried to dress down a dress shirt and bowtie with a baby blue hoody and black windowpane on white shorts and suspenders. Needless to say they missed the mark.

Finally entering the first store I find nothing I like. It's all very japanese/HK style clothes with bright colours and bold cutsey graphics and busy designs. This store does not design it's own stuff it just carries the overprice products of other labels. In the second store I see a white fedora, I put it on a scoff and instantly like the clear plastic top hat shaped stand it was placed on, I try it on and love it and then get my brother to wear one also. Clearly we were the ones having the best time in the store. In the final store I do find a jacket by Obey there for $120. It's medium grey, double-brested with metal buttons, and has a large rounded collar ( imagine if you layed it out flat it would look like a semi circle). I didn't buy it deciding that I already have a lot of jackets and that I'd rather save my money and buy a really kick ass Burberry Trench like this one. But what was more disturbing than the $70 t-shirts that they sell there was that there was blood on the floor, I mention this to a sales person there and this is our exchange.

Me: "Did you know there there is some blood on the floor?"
Her: " Yeah I know it's disgusting." then she walks away. Classy right?



So we've spent about 3 hours there and the only things we take home with us are some fun memories. Naturally I strut out of the mall combining what I learned that day, leading each step with my shoulder and lifting up my leg like a horse. Then I realize the the models are walking in front of us and are leaving the same way. Pure Gold!

God I'm Depressed

What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe my oldest Brother was right. I shouldn't have watched so much television when I was younger. How could it not affect me? It's 3 am and I'm looking through modeling blogs, dredging the photo sections of model Myspaces I find, and trying to figure out how to gain access to the Facebook profiles of pretty people I come across. Dozens of photos downloaded awaiting to be sorted into folders never to be looked at again. Why do I do this? Why can't I go make my own happy memories instead of trying to steal them from others? Just now I've saved a bunch of photos of the model Matt Loewen and his girlfriend. Their smiling faces surrounded by the New York City club scene and their fellow model friends. They so effortlessly look great in these pictures. Perfect smiles and perfect skin.

I wish I could have what they have. Why do I feel like I'm old, like I've lost time. I'm going to be 20 June 8th but I feel like I'm turning 50. I want to stay 19 forever. I know that life could be worse and yet this is what I want. I know that there are far more important things in life, but how come I can't have this unimportant thing too? Is it because I know the truth, that looks aren't as unimportant as we hope they are, that people will in fact treat you and perceive you differently because of your race, because of your sexual identity, because of your money, because of your education, because of your height, because of your weight, because of your muscles, because of your teeth, because of your voice, because of your hair, because of your clothes, because of what you seem to be. Why can't I just be one of those happy soon to be 20 year olds? Thinking the world is great and they are going to be young and attractive forever. Why can't I have that ignorance? When was my innocence stripped from me?Why wasn't I protected from horrible truths. Why was it taken from me so young? I was only a child and it was taken from me... and I didn't resist. Now this is who I am, for better or worse.