I want it.

Is it wrong that I want to be a model? That I would drop everything to fly around the world just to take pictures? I think so. But it feels so good to get paid just because you are who you are. Getting paid to play dress up. Isn't that just wrong? I just want to be one of the pretty people.

Before I can even imagine of trying to do this I have to lose about 20 pounds and then gain 5 pound in muscle. I'm not too sure about those number because I have no idea what 20 pounds of fat or 5 pounds of muscle look like. What I do know is that other models who are my height weight around 150-155 and they have model sized muscles and look proportional. I have pretty good musculature, I think, but just flab everywhere. The main area I would need to add muscle to is the all important chest. Although I know that I would also need to add to my back and arms etc too but not to the extent that my chest needs.

Then I have to get my teeth fixed and whitened which I'm in the process of doing. And finally I would need to get my skin to be perfectly clear and smooth. I think mostly I have to learn how to sleep at reasonable hours, because having too little sleep is a for sure way to break out.

This endeavour is completely shallow and egotistical but I can't help it. Sometimes this urge is so strong that I feel overwhelmed. And I want it, I want it now. I want all the attention and the hype. I want to hang around the pretty people and feel like I'm on the inside. I want to be welcomed. I want to know what it's like to be able to cast a spell on people with my looks.(even though I know I would hate it, I would never want to have that kind of control over other people where they fall over themselves to satisfy you) I want to walk around and have people whisper to their friend that I'm here "Oh look, who's walking down the street, isn't that that model from that LV campaign?".

This is completely sick. I am just really really twisted aren't I? BUT I STILL WANT IT. I want it so much sometimes and it makes me sad to know I won't have it. That I will disappear. Forgotten having achieved no international fame. I want to be the one that is the exception to the rule and because of that I'm special and there will be no one else like me and other models to follow will be touted as the new Me as a compliment. I want what Kate Moss has (but with out the crack and tragicness). OMG I JUST WANT IT SOOOOOO.
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...............much.



PS: Clearly I'm in one of my moods and this is just venting, but not all together exaggerated. Maybe I just need some attention.

Envy

Here I stew, 5:35 in the morning, in envy looking at the myspaces of pretty people; fashion people. When did this come about? When did I pick up this cancer? Was it society? Probably. Telling me I'm not good enough because I'm Asian, Gay, 5'9'', and not rocking a body ripped out of it's gourd. Why do we let this happen? B.Scott here says it best. If you haven't heard of B.Scott he's a gay YouTuber that makes regular posts and has a website of his own. I vehemently recommend that you check him out. He's no jock but he sure is jocular :D .



B.Scott says it best here. If only those words could penetrate my dense cranium and diffuse into the crevasses of my mind. I must remember my blessings and gifts and believe in them and myself and know that I AM a good person and deserving. I need to focus and know where I am going and push ahead, PUSH HARD.

"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to get what I want"


If you are wondering what was so envy inducing, here they are:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=96004053
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=148595112
http://www.justjr.com/

Maybe I'm just like this because I ate a whole chocolate man. No it was not the Archangel of confectionery goodness that is bittersweet chocolate, but the Beelzebub named milk chocolate. Ingesting this homme du chocolat was a purely symbolic gesture as thanks to my lesbian friend for crafting it pour moi.