Backslide and it ain't pretty. Well the guys are but that's not the point.

Well since being off my meds I've slipped some but I guess the real test is if I'll get my footing back and keep trudging on even though my shirt is all dirty and wrinkled and I've lost a shoe.

Falling off the wagon has made me feel more myself. I feel more 'real' if that makes sense. Being on meds always make me feel a bit fake, like I was just playing the character of me and not really just being me. I guess that was the problem in the first place, I was a bit too much me and needed to mellow out.

(Even now I am feeling the anxiety build as it slowly turns into tomorrow and I know I haven't read the reading yet but because I haven't bought the book yet because I want it for free and don't want to waste paper buying one and then wanting to borrow one from the library so that I can just scan it so I have an electronic copy which makes more sense for a Resource And Environmental Management class!)

I guess that's the good thing, I feel myself and any progress I make I can, in my mind, fully attribute it to myself with out the help of meds, not to say that people who need meds and make progress with it is somehow cheating or that that progress isn't valid or not their own. At one point I felt ok with using. I thought that it was like a man with a broken leg, it's crazy to think that the man is a fool for using a crutch to help him until he could walk unaided. That analogy is still true for me but right now I feel like I need to walk on my bad leg for a while and see if that won't make me stronger. I think I need to feel the pain.

I have been doing the OCD things that I used to do before but this time things are a bit different but still not different enough for my liking.

-collecting ALL the pictures of a certain model or celebrity(just to know that I have it) and finding everything there is to know about them including reading about them or watching ever single frame ever recorded of them or about them
-or knowing all there is know about someone prolific or seen to be important
-obsessing what I look like and finding everything there is to know about looking good, from taking care of your body (ways of working out and researching each extensively and reading many forums and websites, skin, teeth, hair, feet, nails) and to fashion and how to dress well"
-being able to physically do everything, from gymnastics, run fast, jump high, swim fast, multiple kinds of martial arts, parkour, being a virtuoso at any sport to get respect from the leading people in that sport,
-wanting to be everything to everyone
- wanting to know everything, to be so informed about everything that I could give advice about everything and or talk with anyone about anything they are really interested in and be able to tell them about the latest, to be able to talk to any kind of snob (literature, music, movie, food, fashion) and be able to impress them, basically be an insider of everything
-wanting to know everything and see everything, WATCH every important movie, tv show, documentary, READ every important book(about everything), newspaper, article, blog, scientific journals, LISTEN to every important composer, musician, artists, singers, performer, radio show, speeches, talks, seminars, SEE every important works of art
-learn about everything in academia, science, math, arts, humanities, sociology,
-become some sort of super human who has the body of a model and the brain of a genius
-also all of this has to happen yesterday because time is ticking and I'm already too old
-or when being a super human gets to be too much I find a blog of someone and then I start to idolize them cause when I idolize them I can shift my definition of what is perfect to them and then I can use their blog as a how to guide to be just like them, usually the subjects of the blogs live superficial lives like they are models or they are just club kiddies that just work out a lot and have nice bodies and have nice clothes and got to the clubs a lot and travel around the world just following pride parties and they surround themselves with other gay guys that are just the same, and I pick superficial lives cause the top goals are so superficial and empty and easy to obtain which makes it appealing cause if I want to obtain the status of some genius scientist that discovered a cure to cancer that's a tad harder than say having a really nice sexy gym body and nice clothes
-some times it's not a blog it's a photo journal or like all of someones photos on say for example facebook, I will look through it and if they are like a model or just really good looking I idolize them and be really jealous of them and then start to put them down and then feel bad about myself cause I have to bring people down to make myself feel better, and I feel like I need to have a really hard sexy gym body too
-which ever ideal I'm fawning over needed to happen like yesterday cause time is ticking and I've been wasting my life
-my life is over. stop trying.

Okay so I've mentioned that stuff before on other posts. It's this whole cycle of idolizing then plans to become them then something that I can't reconcile (whether it's one of their flaws like just being a pumped up shallow club kiddie or that I cannot possibly be just like them) that then leads into depression and wanting to just give up.

But this time around I feel like although I still struggle with some of the things from the VERY long list I gave above (idolizing cycle, hoarding whether it be things or knowledge) I feel like even though sometimes I fail from avoiding one of these flareups of crazy I feel like I get through them faster. Like the cycle still happens but it's shorter in time, the changes in emotions are faster like I'll go from stage to stage much faster and then pass through the sadness or mourning of not being able to be what ever and then just go back to being reasonable. So that's good. I go crazy but it's a short hand crazy, just a quick flare of crazy and then I can get back to normal. Now it's almost instant and I basically with in a span of 15 mins I'll jump to sad from looking at the blog of a hot guy or from looking at all the photos of someone ( I sorta wanna say photo album but I feel like that means just one of the small group sections and what I really mean is just All of the photos tagged untagged grouped or not). Cause before I would be stuck in one of these cycles for like days, weeks and even a month just totally obsessing about someone and wanting to be them. I guess that's progress. I think I have been noticing this trend just in general regardless of drugs or no drugs that just the cycles have had shorter half lives. Maybe it's just me maturing? Maybe it's cause I'm just gradually getting more mindful of my own inner workings from self reflection.

I had a flare up last Thursday because I didn't have a book I needed for first week reading for my Resource and Environmental Management 100 class (REM100). I was all crazy cause he gave a reading and then I didn't buy one and I couldn't find a used one and then I was all angry that for and environmental class they wanted us to buy books instead of giving us an e-copy and just charge like 5 bucks on top of the course cost and thus saving paper. And then I was looking for one in reserve but there weren't any and then I just looked in the general catalog so that I could just take it out and scan it all and just make my own e-copy but then all of them were taken out and one was taken out till May, I'm not sure how you can do that, taking it out for like 5 months. All of this was making me freak out and then I started to go do some of the things from my list of crazy. Like internet research or hoarding of pictures and or porn or idolizing people. All of this was happening and I was in the middle of madness and I saw my good friend Crystal (note not her real name) online and I talked to her about all the stuff I was going through at the moment and the crazy things I was doing and ended up saying this.
(typos included :D)
sleepyboy: Crystal
sleepyboy: tell me the brave hound is stupid
sleepyboy: tell me im better than that
sleepyboy: tell me that i don't need to be jealous of him and the he needs to be jealous of me

Crystal: dude
Crystal: Most people should be jealous of yo
Crystal: You have a genuinely hilarious and down to earth personality
Crystal: You just like... you get it... you aren't just some fake human, you are on the periphery because you can see how fucked up people are
Crystal: It's like we are on the outside looking in, and everyone is so false and they don't even KNOW they are false

Even though saying that I am better than most people because I'm not a mindless drone is condescending to others and unfair it still kinda made me feel better although it's clearly biased and crazy talk. I did feel better cause what I took from it was that I have my own good points and I don't have to try to be someone else even if the way it was delivered was muddled with pandering :D.

It's more roomy than I thought.

I don't know I feel like this week everyone is either up their own ass or someone else's. Below you can see I'm not that flexible and I hope I never will be. I guess that doesn't stop other people like that girl from trying to get in though......


Is it awful that when I read the comments from London Preppy's blog that say his writing is so fantastic and wonderful and that he should become a writer make me sick? I think so. I really don't think it's a jealousy kind of thing, but I honestly don't' think his writing is THAT great. It's good, it has a clear style and subject matter and good flow but to say that he's so great really is pushing it. This may sound weird from someone who made a wiki page for him, but I'm fucked okay? Then again I always start to not like things other people like. It's such a childish way to be, but it's only when there is a lot of hype, I don't like hype. I'm starting to get bored with his blog, maybe it's because I don't really want to steal his life anymore, maybe it's because the blog is starting to repeat it's self. He keeps all the good stuff private so what's left but to regurgitate the superficial? Maybe it's just the writing style, I find it too easy to copy therefore less unique? That's how I see it. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in today. Yeah probably the mood. I just started the day off badly with frustrating contacts and getting all worked up about missing 20 mins of my math class and having little sleep. Hmmm I feel better typing this up. Oh no wait false alarm.

No dream today, no time for a dream. Only a panic attack. I missed the first 20 mins of my math class because I was too busy with my contact lenses and missed getting a ride with my brother so I had to catch a ride with the next oldest one. I get to class and oddly all the left handed people are sitting on the left side of the room. This is disturbing. And then the Prof won't give me the notes that I've missed and says I need to make a friends. God didn't I just say I had a disability and I just need the notes and I'll be fine? Fuck that noise, I think I'm going to go through CSD (centre for students with disabilities) to get them to tell her to give me the notes because you can do that kind of thing. I don't know I just feel really crazy about what I may have potentially missed from those notes even though I could probably fill them out myself. She posts unfinished notes on a website. Fuck I'm fucked. I'm really not right in the head. I have a math assignment due on Friday. Lets see if I can do it. I'm so paralysed that I can't even withstand a peek at what those questions might be.

Some times I think that I don't really have a problem and that I'm just doing this for attention and personal gain. But then I have these moments and conclude it's really not so.

I'm going to go to the orthodontist and have a consultation to see what kind of treatment I'm going to have. Braces or Invisalign. Sweet Krishna please make it invisalign!! But because of this I'm going to miss my first bio tutorial and my 5th bio lecture. The lecture isn't so bad because it's tape recorded and I have a friend in that class that will give me the notes. Yes I see it, so don't say it cause then I'll just ask you to leave. I don't want to make friends in that math class. It's full of mentalists. I feel like I'm in the "special" class. It's probably better that I feel bored and smarter than everyone than to be falling behind. Hmm maybe I am that flexible......

I've never had to study before University. So I don't know how to. It's so strange. I've never had to work hard to get something into my brain. It's really weird and frightening prospect. Not the learning part but the starting something new part. I guess you can say I don't like change, well change is fine along someone is there to launch me. I'm tragic at doing things on my own for the premier fois. I get panicked and scared and the back of my head and neck bursts into flames.

Food: apple, banana, almonds, pea pods, way to salty ground beef and some green vegetable, water, and probably the orange I still have in my bag.
Work out: was going to but was too panicked to move. Maybe I'll do it at home some how.

Where the hell is this blog going? The fuck if I know!

So now that I've actually have comments from about 5 people I don't know [And who knows how many lurkers there are out there reading and not commenting] in real life on my blog. I'm starting to feel really quite concerned. Who are these people and why do they care what I have to say. They don't even know me, but I guess that doesn't matter I mean we listen and consider the ideas of other people all the time. (ie doctors, celebrities, teachers, not saying anyone looks to me in that way but you know what I mean) But still.... ME?!

This blog is highly personal and I don't know how I feel about people reading it especially when I know nothing about them. I never intended this blog to be anything but a journal of sorts and I certainly never tried to promote it. So here I am, do I keep writing these intimate posts or do I just give up and just use my live journal instead.

ASIDE: [Yes, I have live journal (that I don't use) because Elyse Sewell has one and I wanted to become her friend. And also I wanted to see which one I liked better, LJ or Blogger because at the time I only thought that there were two sites that offered this. Now I know better; myspace, wordpress, typepad and a whole bunch of other sites offer the same thing in different formats. Why can't there just be one that everyone is on? This is completely anxiety inducing and paralyzing because when I'm faced with too many options I become overwhelmed and either don't make a decision or just explore ever single option until I find the "right" one. As if there is a "correct" one to use. Rarely, if ever is there a "right" thing to do or choose in life, every thing is grey, I love and hate this fact. Clearly I'm psychotic, well I'm not I just have OCD/Anxiety Disorder. My doctor and therapist/counselor tell me this is the common "all or nothing mentality" associated with people with OCD. In the end I decided to use Blogger because it's more anonymous, I liked the layout better than LJ and most importantly because I didn't want all my real life friend on LJ to know how truly fucked I am.]

Well here I am again stuck, at this very moment I'm actually writing up several posts at once. Why you[nobody] say? Oh because in my sick mind I think I'm somehow going to figure out the whole world on this blog and also that I need to touch on every single goings on and minutia that ever happened, is happening, and will happen in my life. And also that I'm going to discuss everything in the world and indeed the cosmos. That somehow sitting on my bed I'm going to figure out the universe and make sense of it all. Also I'm thinking about what if this blog gets famous and a lot of people start to read this and that I don't want to post all my good post at the very beginning but instead save them when I have more readers. [Yes, it's a strange dark sticky slippery place in side my head.] All these possibilites almost debilitate me. Clearly I need some boundaries. London Preppy has very very clear boundaries in his blog. He just talks about his everyday life events on his blog that happen to him that he thinks would make for an interesting post and some minutia [like the gym] then overlays his fiction on top of it obscuring it all. No face, no names, no love, no sex nothing too personal or real. Me on the other hand no clear vision or what I want this to be, it'll end up being a craptastic melange of everything, me trying to be everything to everyone. Also I'm worried that I'll get stalkers and then they'll find me and put me into a stew. So I'm thinking if I should make an attempt to conceal my identity. But Elyse Sewell totally uses pictures of her badass self and has details of her life and she's not stew yet. But she does travel a lot so it might be hard to follow her all around the world.

So what did I decide you[nobody] ask? I'm going to just try and not to think about it. I'm just going to throw everything against the wall and see what sticks. I may or may not try to talk about the fashion world, models, the Environment, my life, queer rights and all that, and so much more. Oh and yes I think I'll keep my identity private so if you know who I am, and you know who you are, just give yourself a lobotomy :D Its really easy and fun for the whole family :F.