What Goes On In My Head

Here I will give you a glimpse as best I can into how I think and how distracting it can be and obsessive it can be.

Say I see someone using a pen and they say that they only like to use that kind of pen.

In my head I start to think:" should I use the pen too, where did they get it, what pen am I using, is it better than my pen, do they know something I don't, why is it beter, maybe I should get one, no i have many pens at home, they write so nicely is it cause of the pen, would my notes be better if I used that pen, my notes are ugly, look at how she does her notes, so neat and organized, would I do better in school if I had better notes like that, is she underlining her sub sections, should I do that too maybe with a ruler, maybe I should bring a laptop to school to type instead, it's faster, or should I just write it , it goes into my brain better when I write right, or should I use highlighters to highlight important things, what colour should i use on the subtitles, should i underline the subtitles too, there should be one colour for the main title and another for sub titles and then another for important things, one different colour pen for examples and another for just the notes and nother for graphs, maybe i should get one of those laptops that have a stylus, do i have the money for that, or should i just bring my laptop and then on a separate piece of paper do the drawings and things and the put an annotation in the typed notes to denote which picture goes where, should I not copy everything down verbatum, should i condense it, oh god i donno what to do, if i change my notes should i retroactively change all my notes."


All of that happens and it just cycles in my head thinking about it weighing the pros and cons of it all. And this all gets me very nervous and stressed out.

I just passed the 2nd week of school. So far so good. Lets keep it that way.

I LOVE BJORK

It's been three years today.
I still miss you. I still think about you.

...................fuck.

Why am I so sad? Why do all the things I used to like don't make me happy any more. I wish there was a way to make me like everyone else. To not care about anything. It's as if I'm the only one who cares. And what can one person do in a sea of stupid people. God either I need more drugs or less drugs. At least before I was happy sometimes and sad other times. Now I'm just complacent and dull and sad and don't care about anything.

I don't think everything is going to be okay.
I don't think I'm going to be okay.

I feel so stupid but why can't I feel anything? Why can't I feel love. I just want someone to love me and say it. I want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me they love me and need me. And then to hug me and make me feel safe and not so alone any more. I don't know how much more of this I can handle.