Backslide and it ain't pretty. Well the guys are but that's not the point.

Well since being off my meds I've slipped some but I guess the real test is if I'll get my footing back and keep trudging on even though my shirt is all dirty and wrinkled and I've lost a shoe.

Falling off the wagon has made me feel more myself. I feel more 'real' if that makes sense. Being on meds always make me feel a bit fake, like I was just playing the character of me and not really just being me. I guess that was the problem in the first place, I was a bit too much me and needed to mellow out.

(Even now I am feeling the anxiety build as it slowly turns into tomorrow and I know I haven't read the reading yet but because I haven't bought the book yet because I want it for free and don't want to waste paper buying one and then wanting to borrow one from the library so that I can just scan it so I have an electronic copy which makes more sense for a Resource And Environmental Management class!)

I guess that's the good thing, I feel myself and any progress I make I can, in my mind, fully attribute it to myself with out the help of meds, not to say that people who need meds and make progress with it is somehow cheating or that that progress isn't valid or not their own. At one point I felt ok with using. I thought that it was like a man with a broken leg, it's crazy to think that the man is a fool for using a crutch to help him until he could walk unaided. That analogy is still true for me but right now I feel like I need to walk on my bad leg for a while and see if that won't make me stronger. I think I need to feel the pain.

I have been doing the OCD things that I used to do before but this time things are a bit different but still not different enough for my liking.

-collecting ALL the pictures of a certain model or celebrity(just to know that I have it) and finding everything there is to know about them including reading about them or watching ever single frame ever recorded of them or about them
-or knowing all there is know about someone prolific or seen to be important
-obsessing what I look like and finding everything there is to know about looking good, from taking care of your body (ways of working out and researching each extensively and reading many forums and websites, skin, teeth, hair, feet, nails) and to fashion and how to dress well"
-being able to physically do everything, from gymnastics, run fast, jump high, swim fast, multiple kinds of martial arts, parkour, being a virtuoso at any sport to get respect from the leading people in that sport,
-wanting to be everything to everyone
- wanting to know everything, to be so informed about everything that I could give advice about everything and or talk with anyone about anything they are really interested in and be able to tell them about the latest, to be able to talk to any kind of snob (literature, music, movie, food, fashion) and be able to impress them, basically be an insider of everything
-wanting to know everything and see everything, WATCH every important movie, tv show, documentary, READ every important book(about everything), newspaper, article, blog, scientific journals, LISTEN to every important composer, musician, artists, singers, performer, radio show, speeches, talks, seminars, SEE every important works of art
-learn about everything in academia, science, math, arts, humanities, sociology,
-become some sort of super human who has the body of a model and the brain of a genius
-also all of this has to happen yesterday because time is ticking and I'm already too old
-or when being a super human gets to be too much I find a blog of someone and then I start to idolize them cause when I idolize them I can shift my definition of what is perfect to them and then I can use their blog as a how to guide to be just like them, usually the subjects of the blogs live superficial lives like they are models or they are just club kiddies that just work out a lot and have nice bodies and have nice clothes and got to the clubs a lot and travel around the world just following pride parties and they surround themselves with other gay guys that are just the same, and I pick superficial lives cause the top goals are so superficial and empty and easy to obtain which makes it appealing cause if I want to obtain the status of some genius scientist that discovered a cure to cancer that's a tad harder than say having a really nice sexy gym body and nice clothes
-some times it's not a blog it's a photo journal or like all of someones photos on say for example facebook, I will look through it and if they are like a model or just really good looking I idolize them and be really jealous of them and then start to put them down and then feel bad about myself cause I have to bring people down to make myself feel better, and I feel like I need to have a really hard sexy gym body too
-which ever ideal I'm fawning over needed to happen like yesterday cause time is ticking and I've been wasting my life
-my life is over. stop trying.

Okay so I've mentioned that stuff before on other posts. It's this whole cycle of idolizing then plans to become them then something that I can't reconcile (whether it's one of their flaws like just being a pumped up shallow club kiddie or that I cannot possibly be just like them) that then leads into depression and wanting to just give up.

But this time around I feel like although I still struggle with some of the things from the VERY long list I gave above (idolizing cycle, hoarding whether it be things or knowledge) I feel like even though sometimes I fail from avoiding one of these flareups of crazy I feel like I get through them faster. Like the cycle still happens but it's shorter in time, the changes in emotions are faster like I'll go from stage to stage much faster and then pass through the sadness or mourning of not being able to be what ever and then just go back to being reasonable. So that's good. I go crazy but it's a short hand crazy, just a quick flare of crazy and then I can get back to normal. Now it's almost instant and I basically with in a span of 15 mins I'll jump to sad from looking at the blog of a hot guy or from looking at all the photos of someone ( I sorta wanna say photo album but I feel like that means just one of the small group sections and what I really mean is just All of the photos tagged untagged grouped or not). Cause before I would be stuck in one of these cycles for like days, weeks and even a month just totally obsessing about someone and wanting to be them. I guess that's progress. I think I have been noticing this trend just in general regardless of drugs or no drugs that just the cycles have had shorter half lives. Maybe it's just me maturing? Maybe it's cause I'm just gradually getting more mindful of my own inner workings from self reflection.

I had a flare up last Thursday because I didn't have a book I needed for first week reading for my Resource and Environmental Management 100 class (REM100). I was all crazy cause he gave a reading and then I didn't buy one and I couldn't find a used one and then I was all angry that for and environmental class they wanted us to buy books instead of giving us an e-copy and just charge like 5 bucks on top of the course cost and thus saving paper. And then I was looking for one in reserve but there weren't any and then I just looked in the general catalog so that I could just take it out and scan it all and just make my own e-copy but then all of them were taken out and one was taken out till May, I'm not sure how you can do that, taking it out for like 5 months. All of this was making me freak out and then I started to go do some of the things from my list of crazy. Like internet research or hoarding of pictures and or porn or idolizing people. All of this was happening and I was in the middle of madness and I saw my good friend Crystal (note not her real name) online and I talked to her about all the stuff I was going through at the moment and the crazy things I was doing and ended up saying this.
(typos included :D)
sleepyboy: Crystal
sleepyboy: tell me the brave hound is stupid
sleepyboy: tell me im better than that
sleepyboy: tell me that i don't need to be jealous of him and the he needs to be jealous of me

Crystal: dude
Crystal: Most people should be jealous of yo
Crystal: You have a genuinely hilarious and down to earth personality
Crystal: You just like... you get it... you aren't just some fake human, you are on the periphery because you can see how fucked up people are
Crystal: It's like we are on the outside looking in, and everyone is so false and they don't even KNOW they are false

Even though saying that I am better than most people because I'm not a mindless drone is condescending to others and unfair it still kinda made me feel better although it's clearly biased and crazy talk. I did feel better cause what I took from it was that I have my own good points and I don't have to try to be someone else even if the way it was delivered was muddled with pandering :D.

Time In Mind

I seem to keep doing this. I keep thinking about how old I am and comparing myself to others, to what they have accomplished by my age and why haven't I done something equally great? (most annoyingly i compare myself to actors and or their fictional characters) Or that I am wasting my youth. These years I can't get back and they are the ones that will be when I am most attractive and free.

Also weighing on my mind is the fact that I started University straight out of high school in 2006 and now it's almost 2010 and I'm still finishing up my first year courses.

Photos

I always run into this problem with photos. I think it's because people only take photos of when they are happy. They are the record of the highlights of life. People rarely take photos of when they are sad or when someone dies or when they are abused. I sometimes look at photos and become jealouse of the subject and their life. But this superficial happiness in my opinion isn't life, at least not on it's own. All the trageties and hardships of my life, coming to terms with my same sex attraction, death of my father, childhood abuse and the hands of a family member, OCD, and now the struggles with my mothers cancer. I think it's these experiences that give my life meaning more than my happy memories. It's these experiences that give me strength not the happy ones. It's these experiences that ground me in ways happy memories can't. If this is true then why don't we photograph these unhappy memories. Maybe it's because we don't need to. We remember the sad memories more than the happy ones, they seem to be more relavent more practical to remember perminently fearing they will happen again. Happy memories I have very few of. Even now I struggle to recall one. Perhaps it's because for me my happy memories aren't big events like sad memories. They are just glimpses, heartedly welcomed and easily forgotten. It's hard to say I wouldn't trade my sad memories for happy ones. That I wouldn't rewrite my life to have my Dad still alive never having cancer, for my Mother to be free of cancer,to never have been abused at 6, to being straight, to never have had panic attacks. It's hard to not want all of these things undone but pulling on these threads is a daunting prospect. What assinine fool would I become? Maybe an even more frightening thought is how much of a better person would I have become. The fear that these sad experiences have stolen from us.

So this is where I sit pondering the alternate lives I could have lived trying to make sense of all the sadness and happiness. Am I happy horrible things have speckeled my life? It's hard to say, but I will not just let them take from me, I will grow from it just in the same way plants need to be pruned to allow them to grow. Horrible things will happen to all of us, we just won't want to take pictures of them.

This is getting annoying

I keep relapsing into my OCD again and again. I really need to find a way to fix this. Drugs is not a long term solution I want. I am trying to just feel the anxiety, acknowledge it and then push past it. It gets really difficult because I let so many things get to me.

Evandro In Technicolour :D