Soooo... I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of control. I feel like because I'm not a tall person I can never be sexy or attractive which in turn means I will never have a super attractive boyfriend. This is troubling in so many ways. Okay so lets tease it out. I feel like it's unfair that I'm not tall and I don't get a chance to be attractive. But there is no set attractive, but there is what society will think is attractive in general. And this idea of fair and correct is apart of control that I want to impose on everything. So I feel cheated while buying into socialized ideas of beauty which is silly of course. I also have scars on my body which makes me think that with every scar I'm more ugly and am worth less. But at the same time I do feel like I think other things are way more important like intelligence that for the most part is preset too. People who are smart will be smart and people attractive will be attractive. There are things that you can do to increase both of these things like stimulating the mind for intelligence and working out for beauty. I feel like I have the intelligence but I don't have what I feel to be beautiful. So I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough because I'll never be the super hot guy in magazines and tv. Sure I could work out but people always (in general) find the taller guy more attractive. I feel like I have an attractive face. Also I want to get my years back that I lost to ocd and depression. Can someone do that for me?
Maybe I'm going to be a super villain because the only way to feel okay about this is to drag everyone else down. Shattering the world seems fun, it's like when you see someone build a tower of blocks or they do their hair really nice you just want to mess it up. Gosh someone give me super powers already. I really really deserve them, honest!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
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