Yummy

I like how when I read my older posts I just want to delete them all. I tend to blog when I am feeling pretty emotional.

Well what has been going on recently. Well my Mom has breast cancer. The prospect of losing both my parents in the span of 3 years to cancer is a bag of crap. I don't know if I can concentrate on school enough to get through it. Also that I have divulged a dark secret to my family. It rocked them to say the least. Then there were discussions about me going to go stay at my friends house if I wanted so that I could have a respite from the situation. I've had years to deal with it and I just sprung it on them in the aftermath of a family argument. Reopening this wound was probably a bad idea. It's taken me about a month to quell the emotions that it spews. I guess you could say I repressed the memory, but I don't really forget it I guess I just compartmentalise it and just bury the emotions. I've kept this secret since I was 7-8 ish, so I've had many many years to deal with it in my head, to chew on it and then ultimately spit it out. I feel like sometimes I have more than my fair share of tragedy in my life. Dark secret, being in the closet, dad dies, diagnosed with ocd, becoming a failure at school, and now the prospect of losing my Mother as well. I guess it could be worse. I could be a kid who is sex trafficed and then killed. Or be in a children's army. I guess it could always be worse but these events in my life are still bitter.

Is there any light? Well I've taken to making pysanky. A old Ukrainian form of decorating eggs which originally came from pagan traditions but were subsequently appropriated by Christianity for Easter. It's a process of applying wax to an egg and then dying it and then adding wax .... until you finish and you melt all the wax off and reveal the preserved patterns of colour. I'll just post a video about it here. I'll post more about it later I guess, but right now it's too late.



Anything else to be happy about? Lets hope so. I guess I always have my friends and family. Let's hope that'll be enough.

O M G

There is too much information on the internet. I want to know it all. I want to know everything but I can't and it kills me inside. I want to know everything. Oh please someone show me how to do this. I want it in my brain. LET ME KNOW EVERYTHING.

Conditional Love

So far in my life I do not really believe in unconditional love. I think anyone is able to wrong me enough that I will just not love them any longer, even family members. I think there are things everyone can do to just lose favour with anyone.

I'm close to the vanguard. I look down. The depth is comforting. If I jump my future is certain. I turn my head and look back to my wake. I cringe and look back to the welcoming shadow. It's promise is enticing, it's open invitation inevitable. I sit down and dangle my legs over the edge and wait. I wait for other offers. I wait for a reason not to accept.

Update Downlow

Things have been going well. I haven't felt the need to run away or disappear or restart. I think I'm getting better. Perhaps I really am good enough.

What Goes On In My Head

Here I will give you a glimpse as best I can into how I think and how distracting it can be and obsessive it can be.

Say I see someone using a pen and they say that they only like to use that kind of pen.

In my head I start to think:" should I use the pen too, where did they get it, what pen am I using, is it better than my pen, do they know something I don't, why is it beter, maybe I should get one, no i have many pens at home, they write so nicely is it cause of the pen, would my notes be better if I used that pen, my notes are ugly, look at how she does her notes, so neat and organized, would I do better in school if I had better notes like that, is she underlining her sub sections, should I do that too maybe with a ruler, maybe I should bring a laptop to school to type instead, it's faster, or should I just write it , it goes into my brain better when I write right, or should I use highlighters to highlight important things, what colour should i use on the subtitles, should i underline the subtitles too, there should be one colour for the main title and another for sub titles and then another for important things, one different colour pen for examples and another for just the notes and nother for graphs, maybe i should get one of those laptops that have a stylus, do i have the money for that, or should i just bring my laptop and then on a separate piece of paper do the drawings and things and the put an annotation in the typed notes to denote which picture goes where, should I not copy everything down verbatum, should i condense it, oh god i donno what to do, if i change my notes should i retroactively change all my notes."


All of that happens and it just cycles in my head thinking about it weighing the pros and cons of it all. And this all gets me very nervous and stressed out.

I just passed the 2nd week of school. So far so good. Lets keep it that way.