Do you ever feel like you like someone more than they like you? You have a friend that you seem to like more than they like you? Not that they don't like you at all but just not as much as you like them. You don't think they think about you at all and that the only time you enter their consciousness is when you contact them. I feel this way about my friend. It's just the way she is I guess. She is just self sufficient. She'll be happy with or with out you. In a lot of ways I like this about her because you never feel like she's needy. Or when you have her over that you need to entertain her or she will resent coming over because it's boring. Or that if you haven't called her in 3 weeks, she doesn't think you don't like her or are neglecting her. There is less pressure I guess to maintain the friendship in constant contact.
But It also goes both ways. I like that she is not high maintenance but also that sorta doesn't work for me either because I think I am high maintenance. I don't know. I don't think I want to have it both ways. Or that somehow I want it so that I can neglect her but still have her chase after me all the time. I think I want it to be pretty much the same but just that sometimes she would call me sometimes but that is unrealistic of me to think because she doesn't call anyone. I guess this is just my problem and not hers. I guess I just want to be wanted but not in an overwhelming way that it breeds obligation of me. I guess that is really a lot to ask for but I guess you always have to aim high to get as close as you can.
Addition:
Saying all of this maybe it's not that I need her (or any of my friends) to give me this. Maybe I need to find someone else to give me this. A romantic partner. Maybe I don't just want to be wanted. Maybe I just want to be loved. Maybe I want to love someone and have them love me. That we are equally enthralled with each other that we want to be together all the time. I think I need the intimacy and the human contact. I want someone who wants to touch me and kiss me and hold me because they want to. Because they want to be as close to me as possible literally and figuratively. But finding a boyfriend is harder for me than you think. I also think that being I guess emotionally unstable at this point it wouldn't be wise to enter into a relationship like that. That I have to deal with my own insecurities before I get into something heavy like that. That I can't look for someone else to complete me but that I have to be complete and for me to love myself before I can love someone else. But even so, a lot of people don't like themselves totally and completely ever in their lives and they are in relationships. Maybe I just need the human contact, just the feeling of intimacy with out the obligations. What I am saying is I need a good fucking. I think I just need someone to come up to me and push me up against the wall and just say, "I want you!" and kiss me and press against my body pulling at my clothes. In just a very base level lizard brain kinda way. Oddly all the guys who do seem interested in me seem to be white. And most of them are skinny white boys. Why is this?! Oh I remember, maybe it's cause I basically have no gay male friends. And definitely no male gay Asian friends to introduce me to any. Or any other race that is. I basically have two gay male friends. Maybe I should give Manhunt a try? I need a fuck buddy I guess. Oh and also to know not to kiss and tell. The first guy I slept with I ran around saying it was horrible and what ever and that he was a pedophile cause I was 19 and he was 28 and worked as a youth worker. And I kept saying, "The only person who got lucky that night was him!". HA I know I am too great. But yeah I guess I could have kept him as a fuck buddy but I've burned that poor little bridge a long time ago and have learned my lesson. Anyways what did he expect when sleeping with a 19 year old?
So if you are a really hot guy please send me a message. And if you also happen to be Evandro Soldati that would be a major plus. Screw it if you are Evandro Soldati I am yours, just say the word and I will hop on a plain, train, car, camel, Sherpa, or boat; anything to get to where you are.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
NO NOT YET!!
NO!!
I WON'T!
I WON'T give up on life!
I am not going to give up yet!
I'm not going to go out like this!
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!
I can do it!
I CAN DO IT!
JUST FUCKING WATCH ME!
I WON'T!
I WON'T give up on life!
I am not going to give up yet!
I'm not going to go out like this!
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!
I can do it!
I CAN DO IT!
JUST FUCKING WATCH ME!
3 times!!!
Three is the number of times I cringed/gagged when reading the latest comment left by my dear Tim Of Italy. YES, yes I know there are other offenders of overly complimenting (in my opinion) London Preppy but for whatever reason (probably because he's old) Tim's comments seem to stick out the most. Maybe I will later skewer others as well. So here I will allow you to read the original comment first. Then I will have the comment again but with the grammar corrected (I usually don't care about grammar. Mine is usually crap but since Tim was trying so hard it felt like I needed to point it out.) and annotations.
[Note: Tim please don't send me a pipe bomb!!!]
Original
[Note: Tim please don't send me a pipe bomb!!!]
Original
Hide under your desk if you want, you can't seem to stop your light and humor falling across the lives of others. You'll appreciate it in time. I agree that you have made the right decision, albeit probably terrifying now. The quote about others being jealous is absolutely spot on, you know. You've freed your self and are now marching to your own drummer. And that's quite an awesome achievement.
Annotated/Edited in green
Hide under your desk if you want. You can't seem to stop your light and humor from falling upon the lives of others.(First time I throw up.) You'll appreciate it in time. I agree that you have made the right decision, albeit probably a terrifying one now. The quote about others being jealous is absolutely spot on_you know. You've freed your self and are now marching to your own drummer.(Second time I throw up.) And that's quite an awesome achievement.(I didn't think there was anything left in me to throw up but I still did. I dry heaved until green bile came up.)
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Me Incarnate
I think that if the idea of me were to be represented by a something I would say that it would be by two sea dragons made of mud and sand. Hmm I feel like I should draw this. I think I'll do that and then post it here.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Requiem For A Dream....And Then Some!
a retarded roseie ohh donnald, 1234 you are a good person you have a good heart as i hlep her pack her car she is movieng away
do you know where you are going? do you have a map?
no I don't, smart car, genre on the florr, we are in NYC
i get in with her and tell here i will help her plan the trip atleast
we drive around for a while, she freaks out and i am telling her what to do,
I am driving next and she tells me not to turn the wheel so much because as not to show off.
go up some ramp in an alley to a safeway and it's ery steep and then she tells me to takke it very slow going up it.and that toehr driers wll think "oh look at them they know how to drive but are not showing offf"
the main character from the ovenant is there and he has about 3 guys with him, and they all have powers but not like in the movie more like mutants specific powers. and then they decide to pick on one kid who looks like the guy who played angel in xman three, and the deside to play with him. not sure if they know for don't know he has freezing powers but e does. cut to a bar with multiple levers accessible by height. and we look at a private kinda booth and there are the main charaters int here and the lead is getting a blow job from the new recruit and he cums in his mouth. Pan out and you see that the whole club has turned into a sex bonanza but oddly... there are no women.... he he he. I like how there is like one woman in my dream and she is a retarded lesbian fatty. Hmmm i wonder if that means anything lols. and then lead gets out of the hottub shaped booth and then exits the club, and you see all around once straight guys writhing all over each other. and still in the booth you see the other characters fucking and sucking. The lead or another character used their powers on the club to make everyone start to orgy. the lead while stepping out says something like "ok thst is enough" or somthing like that. and then steps out and steps back in. onece he's stped back in he sees that all the guys are stunned and don't know why some are half naked and flys open and are ontop of each others or just had their buddy's dick in their mouth or they they were just kissing. The lead says " ok tonight i am the rat" as in gym rat and then he goes around inspecting the bodies of guys dolling out crits on their body and telling them to do more crunches or more push ups. And all the guys are so shocked and stunned at what they were just doing that they all rather agree to this ridiculous premiss to explain why they are half naked and to ignor that they were just doing to each other. Lead walkks and talks and makes it way back up to the booth and he sits on a wallbench with fire and in the fore ground you see ice (the new one to the group) slumped over the booth towards the camera/viewer/me and lead sits down and smiles at fire and bask in the after glow of what they have just done all smug. and then some fire starts to form on his arm and he brushes it off, ( i think my mind just mixed things up and it shold have been ice) and then blue ice shoots out of ice and fire is frozen but then quickly uses fire to melt it and then fire tries to fire ice and then ice is unconciously fighitng back and his ice blocks it and then his powers start to shoot both lead and fire freezing them fire trys to melt it off him and lead but they just both get pwned and are in big blocks of ice.
after they are in a convertable by my house a seafoa colour one reall old style and then fire is pissed at people i think and then he touches ice and there is a green glow and it transfers from fire to ice and ice stands up gets out of the car and shoots him self. and then fire grabs lead and he feels the green glow on him but he quickly grabs the other guy in the car and presses his head to him to keep the glow flowing from him to the other guy, he regretfully does this but he doesn't want to die. can you blame him? And the poor suck just uses his powers on himself and goes poof. lead steps away as to not get grabbed again and fire drives away.
there is apart wehre we are in a casionio an tere are cirular sofas and i am robert deneror and there i sa movie that he stars in but doesn't know what is going to happen or he doesn't know hes in it and that's why his performance is so great. also soemthing about walking down stairs and having harison ford there and then something like is harison for shorter in person and the answer is yes. and also there is osemthing where harison ford ia requested to talk to the public through a hed set and soething an there are girls but where he talks through this thing it's delayed andthe girl slash me desides that i will only talk through the head set and not listend through it and harison will patch his voice through the loud speakers and i will just listen with my ears not the hear phones/ in the casion roert like is awkward some people try to greeat him but like he just likes to walk in a circle and then feels emarrassed and runs away and then jump flips onto a scircle sofa. and then there is someoen else in the sofa, i tink my bro or somthing but some body i know and at this ont i am me an dten a wairter comes by and stars to spin tese botles onto the rubbers waters circle sofa whic is pink and fuz and then theres botles are blue and nubly and i sa they ressemble te aquatic centere in my head but i donnt' say ti out loud because this is some how in the past like o five and ten the witer some how knows what i thought and then says it and then i dondno splahes a botle of oranges crush on himself andn then like runs wor sotmhign and i kill him maybe and he says this is all aaprt of the chines plan to something or other and then he implied tat the chinese werw albel to change time and something like go back and forth in time and influence events. And then roberts or harrison walk me bak to the hq and there is a vault there and we put soemthing inside but i think i want to keep that thing for myself. or steele someting ot the the vault because the fault i s filled iwht many articats with magic powers. the doors are seal wth two handles that ou hae to turn to the pright place and they will open. A woman at the HQ who seems to be leaving in a hurry in a gown sorta like cinderellas gives me the pass word to get into the vault and smiles like we are friends and dashes away to her yello cab. She's written it in silver pen onto an old envelope and hands it to me and there is some guy who trys to see what it is and i milke fuck off and he keeps trying to see it so tear off the bit that has the code on ti and fold it up and put it in my enderewar for safe keeping. I never actually enter the vault in my dream, to bad cause it is fwicked. Filled with so many cool magic relics and amulets and objects!!!/I think i just came thinking about it.
somting about a character begin from cali and that peopel were disappointed that he wasn't from cally and thatn there is some movies aobu xmen and it takes place in new york and there is a sceen where storm makes soemthing hit an air craaaat carriers and then she says that ti doesn't matter how many people die when something something about being persecuted or seomthing about that. and that the cali person had like freeze powers so this character was iveman or something and then he should have vlonde hair and be from cali but they change it and also there was a previous sceene where they show him but with a different actor playing him and he has blond hair so people are confused.
Then there is a part where im in some kinda of competiton of sorts and when you lose you just die. and then you have to keep going up higher and highher ina a tower and move up the levers and then there are toher players and you can help each other or fight eacah oether but only one can win. and at some point nenar the top all the floors turn flacid and flop around in the wind like paper. and everyone starts to fall. i grab ontp a ledge and so does a guy and a girl and the guy doesn't want to let go of his necklave in his hand or somemthing and is trying to hold on and stuff but he is also infront of a hatch we can go inside and not just be hanging of the side of a building. so then I grab his neckalae so he can open the hatch and i put his necklace in my moutha laong with my shiney green and blue necklace and the girl is between us. and then he tries to open the hatch but he is a dumb ass and can't open it and heis hands get tired and falls. I could have saved with with like my strechy arms but decided not to, cause now i have his gold necklace and i am sure i acan open the hatch and thenn the girl falls too and im like omg you guys just suck and i try to open the hatch and i keep trying and stuff and then i stand more upright to give my arms a rest like any smart person would do and then there is a call over the loud speaker that the game is over and then we have to evacuate and then a hellicopter comes and picks me up and there are the other remaining contestants in tehre
and it's like the chopper in black hawk down and then i am sorta stick half way out and we can see the city we were in is under attack and then we see guns and things shooting and some starts to shoot at us a bit and i can remember too much if we crash or not. but it sorta looks like we are in afganistan and we are int he movie black hawk down....
And then there is a part where i am a owner of a shop and i live on amountain and i have a wife and kids and then the shop calls me and ihave to go down the mountain with my family cause they can't be alone there and then we go in a really fast car and when i get down there the guy at the shop tells me hes' called me down cause he wants to know what i think about the flamingo display and ten i get angry with him and say that he knows i livev on a mountain and that he shouldn 't call me down for stupid shit like this and that i look at his name tag t see what it is so i can fire later. and then . as i walk away he throws a super shape card at my head ans takes off my hat and said that this is the real reason he wansts to see me and then i was like who ok. And then he says he can only do it with cards and i have powers that magically cut things but i dont' have to touch the or throw things i just kinda wave my arms. and then it turns into some weird kinda chase through the country side and we end up in this garden and he is there and he wants to fight me and then he keeps throwing cards at me but i just cut them up and at the same time i cut his face too and then I think ok just keep pressing A button alot and you will be ok! and then i think to myself he will run out of cards sooner or later and then he will be powerless and then all this tie we sorta circle a bush and then the poor bush gets desimated. And then i do my final strike and i jump and lung at him smashing the a button and then ti fades to black.
and then final chapter is jthat there is some asian mom and she ahas a kid and then the kid is retarded and then he seems to liek me alot and then when he invites me to go see a britney concert i just say yes and then when we get there i don't have amy ticket and then i go to find him and then i see he has fallen down the middle hole part of a square shaped stairwell and then i just down after him and in and at the bottom i find that there is a bad guy who can multiple and then all the multiples are running around and hitting me and i have to evade them and stuff and then they all look the same and i havev to kill the real one but they all can still hit me and then the way you can tell which is the real one is that it is really fat and then al teh copys are yellow they are all clow ggirls running around. ad then i see the fat one and i do a donkey kick and kickc it in the chest and the all the copies disappear and then i win. and then there is also some thing where i am in my bros room and then my older bro says mean things aobut the kid and then the kids are in my room and then they hear it and then he comes into the room to take his clothes away as if to move out and then the mean bro says oh you dont' ahve to go and then i khelp the kid pack and then there is a weird part where the kid describes the evolution of the home and how there were dirt floor s and small houses but now therea res bigger and have carpet and this is all showen visually in a weird kinds crappyily done 3d model and then in the modern house tere is a pohont that only has one to six on it and have weird old timly buttons like in 1940's scifi movies and then he talks about what a phone does.
do you know where you are going? do you have a map?
no I don't, smart car, genre on the florr, we are in NYC
i get in with her and tell here i will help her plan the trip atleast
we drive around for a while, she freaks out and i am telling her what to do,
I am driving next and she tells me not to turn the wheel so much because as not to show off.
go up some ramp in an alley to a safeway and it's ery steep and then she tells me to takke it very slow going up it.and that toehr driers wll think "oh look at them they know how to drive but are not showing offf"
the main character from the ovenant is there and he has about 3 guys with him, and they all have powers but not like in the movie more like mutants specific powers. and then they decide to pick on one kid who looks like the guy who played angel in xman three, and the deside to play with him. not sure if they know for don't know he has freezing powers but e does. cut to a bar with multiple levers accessible by height. and we look at a private kinda booth and there are the main charaters int here and the lead is getting a blow job from the new recruit and he cums in his mouth. Pan out and you see that the whole club has turned into a sex bonanza but oddly... there are no women.... he he he. I like how there is like one woman in my dream and she is a retarded lesbian fatty. Hmmm i wonder if that means anything lols. and then lead gets out of the hottub shaped booth and then exits the club, and you see all around once straight guys writhing all over each other. and still in the booth you see the other characters fucking and sucking. The lead or another character used their powers on the club to make everyone start to orgy. the lead while stepping out says something like "ok thst is enough" or somthing like that. and then steps out and steps back in. onece he's stped back in he sees that all the guys are stunned and don't know why some are half naked and flys open and are ontop of each others or just had their buddy's dick in their mouth or they they were just kissing. The lead says " ok tonight i am the rat" as in gym rat and then he goes around inspecting the bodies of guys dolling out crits on their body and telling them to do more crunches or more push ups. And all the guys are so shocked and stunned at what they were just doing that they all rather agree to this ridiculous premiss to explain why they are half naked and to ignor that they were just doing to each other. Lead walkks and talks and makes it way back up to the booth and he sits on a wallbench with fire and in the fore ground you see ice (the new one to the group) slumped over the booth towards the camera/viewer/me and lead sits down and smiles at fire and bask in the after glow of what they have just done all smug. and then some fire starts to form on his arm and he brushes it off, ( i think my mind just mixed things up and it shold have been ice) and then blue ice shoots out of ice and fire is frozen but then quickly uses fire to melt it and then fire tries to fire ice and then ice is unconciously fighitng back and his ice blocks it and then his powers start to shoot both lead and fire freezing them fire trys to melt it off him and lead but they just both get pwned and are in big blocks of ice.
after they are in a convertable by my house a seafoa colour one reall old style and then fire is pissed at people i think and then he touches ice and there is a green glow and it transfers from fire to ice and ice stands up gets out of the car and shoots him self. and then fire grabs lead and he feels the green glow on him but he quickly grabs the other guy in the car and presses his head to him to keep the glow flowing from him to the other guy, he regretfully does this but he doesn't want to die. can you blame him? And the poor suck just uses his powers on himself and goes poof. lead steps away as to not get grabbed again and fire drives away.
there is apart wehre we are in a casionio an tere are cirular sofas and i am robert deneror and there i sa movie that he stars in but doesn't know what is going to happen or he doesn't know hes in it and that's why his performance is so great. also soemthing about walking down stairs and having harison ford there and then something like is harison for shorter in person and the answer is yes. and also there is osemthing where harison ford ia requested to talk to the public through a hed set and soething an there are girls but where he talks through this thing it's delayed andthe girl slash me desides that i will only talk through the head set and not listend through it and harison will patch his voice through the loud speakers and i will just listen with my ears not the hear phones/ in the casion roert like is awkward some people try to greeat him but like he just likes to walk in a circle and then feels emarrassed and runs away and then jump flips onto a scircle sofa. and then there is someoen else in the sofa, i tink my bro or somthing but some body i know and at this ont i am me an dten a wairter comes by and stars to spin tese botles onto the rubbers waters circle sofa whic is pink and fuz and then theres botles are blue and nubly and i sa they ressemble te aquatic centere in my head but i donnt' say ti out loud because this is some how in the past like o five and ten the witer some how knows what i thought and then says it and then i dondno splahes a botle of oranges crush on himself andn then like runs wor sotmhign and i kill him maybe and he says this is all aaprt of the chines plan to something or other and then he implied tat the chinese werw albel to change time and something like go back and forth in time and influence events. And then roberts or harrison walk me bak to the hq and there is a vault there and we put soemthing inside but i think i want to keep that thing for myself. or steele someting ot the the vault because the fault i s filled iwht many articats with magic powers. the doors are seal wth two handles that ou hae to turn to the pright place and they will open. A woman at the HQ who seems to be leaving in a hurry in a gown sorta like cinderellas gives me the pass word to get into the vault and smiles like we are friends and dashes away to her yello cab. She's written it in silver pen onto an old envelope and hands it to me and there is some guy who trys to see what it is and i milke fuck off and he keeps trying to see it so tear off the bit that has the code on ti and fold it up and put it in my enderewar for safe keeping. I never actually enter the vault in my dream, to bad cause it is fwicked. Filled with so many cool magic relics and amulets and objects!!!/I think i just came thinking about it.
somting about a character begin from cali and that peopel were disappointed that he wasn't from cally and thatn there is some movies aobu xmen and it takes place in new york and there is a sceen where storm makes soemthing hit an air craaaat carriers and then she says that ti doesn't matter how many people die when something something about being persecuted or seomthing about that. and that the cali person had like freeze powers so this character was iveman or something and then he should have vlonde hair and be from cali but they change it and also there was a previous sceene where they show him but with a different actor playing him and he has blond hair so people are confused.
Then there is a part where im in some kinda of competiton of sorts and when you lose you just die. and then you have to keep going up higher and highher ina a tower and move up the levers and then there are toher players and you can help each other or fight eacah oether but only one can win. and at some point nenar the top all the floors turn flacid and flop around in the wind like paper. and everyone starts to fall. i grab ontp a ledge and so does a guy and a girl and the guy doesn't want to let go of his necklave in his hand or somemthing and is trying to hold on and stuff but he is also infront of a hatch we can go inside and not just be hanging of the side of a building. so then I grab his neckalae so he can open the hatch and i put his necklace in my moutha laong with my shiney green and blue necklace and the girl is between us. and then he tries to open the hatch but he is a dumb ass and can't open it and heis hands get tired and falls. I could have saved with with like my strechy arms but decided not to, cause now i have his gold necklace and i am sure i acan open the hatch and thenn the girl falls too and im like omg you guys just suck and i try to open the hatch and i keep trying and stuff and then i stand more upright to give my arms a rest like any smart person would do and then there is a call over the loud speaker that the game is over and then we have to evacuate and then a hellicopter comes and picks me up and there are the other remaining contestants in tehre
and it's like the chopper in black hawk down and then i am sorta stick half way out and we can see the city we were in is under attack and then we see guns and things shooting and some starts to shoot at us a bit and i can remember too much if we crash or not. but it sorta looks like we are in afganistan and we are int he movie black hawk down....
And then there is a part where i am a owner of a shop and i live on amountain and i have a wife and kids and then the shop calls me and ihave to go down the mountain with my family cause they can't be alone there and then we go in a really fast car and when i get down there the guy at the shop tells me hes' called me down cause he wants to know what i think about the flamingo display and ten i get angry with him and say that he knows i livev on a mountain and that he shouldn 't call me down for stupid shit like this and that i look at his name tag t see what it is so i can fire later. and then . as i walk away he throws a super shape card at my head ans takes off my hat and said that this is the real reason he wansts to see me and then i was like who ok. And then he says he can only do it with cards and i have powers that magically cut things but i dont' have to touch the or throw things i just kinda wave my arms. and then it turns into some weird kinda chase through the country side and we end up in this garden and he is there and he wants to fight me and then he keeps throwing cards at me but i just cut them up and at the same time i cut his face too and then I think ok just keep pressing A button alot and you will be ok! and then i think to myself he will run out of cards sooner or later and then he will be powerless and then all this tie we sorta circle a bush and then the poor bush gets desimated. And then i do my final strike and i jump and lung at him smashing the a button and then ti fades to black.
and then final chapter is jthat there is some asian mom and she ahas a kid and then the kid is retarded and then he seems to liek me alot and then when he invites me to go see a britney concert i just say yes and then when we get there i don't have amy ticket and then i go to find him and then i see he has fallen down the middle hole part of a square shaped stairwell and then i just down after him and in and at the bottom i find that there is a bad guy who can multiple and then all the multiples are running around and hitting me and i have to evade them and stuff and then they all look the same and i havev to kill the real one but they all can still hit me and then the way you can tell which is the real one is that it is really fat and then al teh copys are yellow they are all clow ggirls running around. ad then i see the fat one and i do a donkey kick and kickc it in the chest and the all the copies disappear and then i win. and then there is also some thing where i am in my bros room and then my older bro says mean things aobut the kid and then the kids are in my room and then they hear it and then he comes into the room to take his clothes away as if to move out and then the mean bro says oh you dont' ahve to go and then i khelp the kid pack and then there is a weird part where the kid describes the evolution of the home and how there were dirt floor s and small houses but now therea res bigger and have carpet and this is all showen visually in a weird kinds crappyily done 3d model and then in the modern house tere is a pohont that only has one to six on it and have weird old timly buttons like in 1940's scifi movies and then he talks about what a phone does.
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