Yummy

I like how when I read my older posts I just want to delete them all. I tend to blog when I am feeling pretty emotional.

Well what has been going on recently. Well my Mom has breast cancer. The prospect of losing both my parents in the span of 3 years to cancer is a bag of crap. I don't know if I can concentrate on school enough to get through it. Also that I have divulged a dark secret to my family. It rocked them to say the least. Then there were discussions about me going to go stay at my friends house if I wanted so that I could have a respite from the situation. I've had years to deal with it and I just sprung it on them in the aftermath of a family argument. Reopening this wound was probably a bad idea. It's taken me about a month to quell the emotions that it spews. I guess you could say I repressed the memory, but I don't really forget it I guess I just compartmentalise it and just bury the emotions. I've kept this secret since I was 7-8 ish, so I've had many many years to deal with it in my head, to chew on it and then ultimately spit it out. I feel like sometimes I have more than my fair share of tragedy in my life. Dark secret, being in the closet, dad dies, diagnosed with ocd, becoming a failure at school, and now the prospect of losing my Mother as well. I guess it could be worse. I could be a kid who is sex trafficed and then killed. Or be in a children's army. I guess it could always be worse but these events in my life are still bitter.

Is there any light? Well I've taken to making pysanky. A old Ukrainian form of decorating eggs which originally came from pagan traditions but were subsequently appropriated by Christianity for Easter. It's a process of applying wax to an egg and then dying it and then adding wax .... until you finish and you melt all the wax off and reveal the preserved patterns of colour. I'll just post a video about it here. I'll post more about it later I guess, but right now it's too late.



Anything else to be happy about? Lets hope so. I guess I always have my friends and family. Let's hope that'll be enough.

O M G

There is too much information on the internet. I want to know it all. I want to know everything but I can't and it kills me inside. I want to know everything. Oh please someone show me how to do this. I want it in my brain. LET ME KNOW EVERYTHING.

Conditional Love

So far in my life I do not really believe in unconditional love. I think anyone is able to wrong me enough that I will just not love them any longer, even family members. I think there are things everyone can do to just lose favour with anyone.

I'm close to the vanguard. I look down. The depth is comforting. If I jump my future is certain. I turn my head and look back to my wake. I cringe and look back to the welcoming shadow. It's promise is enticing, it's open invitation inevitable. I sit down and dangle my legs over the edge and wait. I wait for other offers. I wait for a reason not to accept.