Ugggh

I really haven't moved much from the first day I've been diagnosed. I hope being diagnosed hasn't fucked with my head. I really hope it hasn't. I hope knowing it hasn't made it stronger...

My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My team of therapists say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it a try, but I really hate myself.

I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. I used to be productive and have goals I reached. But that was when things were more straight forward.

I hope this team of doctors can help me better this time. I'm hopeful. Hope is irrational but it's the key to surviving depression.

Ugggh

I really haven't moved much from the first day I've been diagnosed. I hope being diagnosed hasn't fucked with my head. I really hope it hasn't. I hope knowing it hasn't made it stronger...

My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My team of therapists say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it try.

I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. I used to be productive and had goals I reached. But that was when things were more straight forward. Now I just try to survive and not be noticed.

Miuzak

Songs that I've been playing lots lately.

Bread Armageddon. JK Bread Rapture! :DDD

So lately I've been baking lots and lots of bread. French baguette dough specifically. It's been kinda good because it's something to do, but also it's a distraction, so that might not be the best. I've been kinda on the ball lately so that's good. But here I just thought the world might want to see some bread I've made :)

Too much information.

Preemptive apology for bad grammar and structure because I'm scared that if I don't get it all out I may forget something.

I'm pretty close on the brink of maxing out on how much information I'm able to take in. I'm following the podcasts Ben and Dave (gay culture interest)and more newly Flat 29. I am going through their archive The numerous things I'm subscribed to on youtube and all the things that those things link to. For example overseas soap operas that feature gay couples/story lines. Watching the X Factor, Top Chef: Just Desserts, and the Amazing Race. Reading everything on After Elton and everything that links to. It has daily articles and daily aggregates of news items that links to anywhere near to 20 to 40 items most of which I explore. Watching a radical feminist anti-pornography conference on google video. Watching many videos debates from Intelegence Squared US on their website. Watching Vampire diaries, Nikita, Glee, Raising Hope, Running Wilde, The Big Bang Theory, 90210, Law And Order : SUV, and Supernatural. Thinking of watching all of Six Feet Under and Mad Men. Keeping up on what's going on in Gay Male Porn. This involves downloading and organizing porn watching it and reading news about different porn companies and what the actors are up to on multiple blogs. To give you an Idea of how much porn I have, I have a 450 gb drive on my computer and it's at least 90% porn(even some straight porn weirdly as if I don't have my hands full with gay porn). A huge stack of books beside my bed. An insanely long list of old movies I feel like I should watch. Including Oscar nominated movies and movies recommended by Roger Ebert. Not to mention all the new movies that are coming out. Keeping up with fashion and model culture/news. Rewatching Buffy with my friend simultaneously over skype. Watching the oeuvre of which ever actor has taken my focus currently Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, and Patrick Wilson. My bookmark menu is a long chaos of doom and saved pages of things I feel like I should get back to and keep up with. A laptop full of porn I need to sort through because my computer is reaching capacity. The ever daunting task of seeking out help/treatment. A unencouraging family, not to be confused with an uncaring family or an unsupportive one. A desktop full of icons. Dozens of tabs demanding my attention from watching things, listening to things, reading things, or wanting me to download and save images of hot guys and archiving them.

I know I must be missing some things. Of all the shows and podcasts I think only about 2 of them are actually less than 40 minutes long. I've basically made it so that I have something to do at every single second. I've done this to distract myself from my life and actual problems and things I should be doing. And the worst part is that I don't want to leave here and no one is really trying or successfully getting me out of here.

I need to find something in me to help myself before 20 years pass by and I really am a lost cause.

The most suicidal I've ever felt.

Inception? More like insipid.

That movie sucks. It's hardly deep, revolutionary, or novel. Multitudes of internal logic fails. Not one but two lame long phrases repeated many times though out the movie. And most importantly, you don't give a damn if anyone gets what they want.