Preemptive apology for bad grammar and structure because I'm scared that if I don't get it all out I may forget something.
I'm pretty close on the brink of maxing out on how much information I'm able to take in. I'm following the podcasts Ben and Dave (gay culture interest)and more newly Flat 29. I am going through their archive The numerous things I'm subscribed to on youtube and all the things that those things link to. For example overseas soap operas that feature gay couples/story lines. Watching the X Factor, Top Chef: Just Desserts, and the Amazing Race. Reading everything on After Elton and everything that links to. It has daily articles and daily aggregates of news items that links to anywhere near to 20 to 40 items most of which I explore. Watching a radical feminist anti-pornography conference on google video. Watching many videos debates from Intelegence Squared US on their website. Watching Vampire diaries, Nikita, Glee, Raising Hope, Running Wilde, The Big Bang Theory, 90210, Law And Order : SUV, and Supernatural. Thinking of watching all of Six Feet Under and Mad Men. Keeping up on what's going on in Gay Male Porn. This involves downloading and organizing porn watching it and reading news about different porn companies and what the actors are up to on multiple blogs. To give you an Idea of how much porn I have, I have a 450 gb drive on my computer and it's at least 90% porn(even some straight porn weirdly as if I don't have my hands full with gay porn). A huge stack of books beside my bed. An insanely long list of old movies I feel like I should watch. Including Oscar nominated movies and movies recommended by Roger Ebert. Not to mention all the new movies that are coming out. Keeping up with fashion and model culture/news. Rewatching Buffy with my friend simultaneously over skype. Watching the oeuvre of which ever actor has taken my focus currently Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, and Patrick Wilson. My bookmark menu is a long chaos of doom and saved pages of things I feel like I should get back to and keep up with. A laptop full of porn I need to sort through because my computer is reaching capacity. The ever daunting task of seeking out help/treatment. A unencouraging family, not to be confused with an uncaring family or an unsupportive one. A desktop full of icons. Dozens of tabs demanding my attention from watching things, listening to things, reading things, or wanting me to download and save images of hot guys and archiving them.
I know I must be missing some things. Of all the shows and podcasts I think only about 2 of them are actually less than 40 minutes long. I've basically made it so that I have something to do at every single second. I've done this to distract myself from my life and actual problems and things I should be doing. And the worst part is that I don't want to leave here and no one is really trying or successfully getting me out of here.
I need to find something in me to help myself before 20 years pass by and I really am a lost cause.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Inception? More like insipid.
That movie sucks. It's hardly deep, revolutionary, or novel. Multitudes of internal logic fails. Not one but two lame long phrases repeated many times though out the movie. And most importantly, you don't give a damn if anyone gets what they want.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Am I Enough?
I always ask this. I guess I never know what is enough. Will I be happy if I'm buff and have muscles and lean and model-like as well as a super genius scientist pop star actor writer singer political activist all around mary sue? I don't think so. I don't know.
I say I want to change but I secretly just want to be able to do all of it. How can what I feel be such a disorder? How can I call it that? If it's such a part of me how can I be striving to destroy it? It feels so right to let it take control, intoxicating really.
Sitting here the thoughts in my head are so strong. I think of myself as some kind of tragic figure that will be a cautionary tale of some sort but then I realize that I'm no one and no one will care if I completely lose it, then I think I should be trawling through the blogs that I have open in the tens of tabs I have open so that I can read every post and save every picture of hot men, watch every video, I think I should stop everything I'm doing so that I can work out to look like those men, then I think my room needs to be reorganized, then I think I should watch all of the episodes of mad men and six feet under, listen to music... all of it everything and organize it and categorize which is good and which is bad then I think that all these thoughts are completely crazy and that realization of that is some how shocking, it feels like I just pulled out the stopper and all these feelings of loss and sadness escape out of that sucking wound threatening to crumple my chest inward take over and it hurts, and that letting it be true means I'm just wasting my life and it's all I could do to avoid it , avoid knowing it, then I know for sure that 4 fucking years in university are gone and useless, I'm not even out of first year,
and then
those feelings get sucked back into the vacuum,
out of my head and face and I'm still,
waiting
for these unreasonable thoughts take over again.
I say I want to change but I secretly just want to be able to do all of it. How can what I feel be such a disorder? How can I call it that? If it's such a part of me how can I be striving to destroy it? It feels so right to let it take control, intoxicating really.
Sitting here the thoughts in my head are so strong. I think of myself as some kind of tragic figure that will be a cautionary tale of some sort but then I realize that I'm no one and no one will care if I completely lose it, then I think I should be trawling through the blogs that I have open in the tens of tabs I have open so that I can read every post and save every picture of hot men, watch every video, I think I should stop everything I'm doing so that I can work out to look like those men, then I think my room needs to be reorganized, then I think I should watch all of the episodes of mad men and six feet under, listen to music... all of it everything and organize it and categorize which is good and which is bad then I think that all these thoughts are completely crazy and that realization of that is some how shocking, it feels like I just pulled out the stopper and all these feelings of loss and sadness escape out of that sucking wound threatening to crumple my chest inward take over and it hurts, and that letting it be true means I'm just wasting my life and it's all I could do to avoid it , avoid knowing it, then I know for sure that 4 fucking years in university are gone and useless, I'm not even out of first year,
and then
those feelings get sucked back into the vacuum,
out of my head and face and I'm still,
waiting
for these unreasonable thoughts take over again.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Outreach on Omegle
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: I'm a zebra... A HORNY ZEBRA
You: circumcision is bad!
Stranger: I like it
You: male circumcision should be illegal
Stranger: rhino did a good one on me
You: seriously though
You: circumcision is barbaric
Stranger: ha how so?
Stranger: It's a religious practice ass hole
You: i don't care if it's religious practice
You: why does it being a religious practice make it okay?
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: religious freedom doesn't mean you are free from child abuse laws
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: i don't have one
You: do you?
Stranger: No. But do you see me running around slamming people's relgious practices because of my opinion? No. No you don't
Stranger: *religious
You: do you condone female circumcision?
You: I only slam religious practices that harm people
You: i only slam religious practices done to people with out consent
Stranger: How does male circumcision harm someone? Circumcised men lead normal lives...
You: so do circumcised femals
You: females
Stranger: is that a question or a statement?
You: both
Stranger: You're a fucking moron...
You: i mean because what is normal
You: normal would be having a foreskin
You: but without the consent it was removed
Stranger: Normal is in the eye of the beholder...
Stranger: In the Jewish faith it is normal to have that
You: i think if you grow up and are an adult
You: you can decide to do it then
You: but if you are a child it's wrong to have it done to you
You: it's basically force on you
You: forced*
Stranger: Oh no I'm going to grow up and look minimally different than other people...
Stranger: That's your main problem it seems
You: no my main problem is that it's a human rights issue
You: and the human right is that you have a right to your body
You: having your ears pierced as a child is a minimal difference
Stranger: I still don't see your problem it's a religious practice with very little affect
You: the foreskin has a purpose
Stranger: Hahaha what's the purpose? Enlighten me?
You: it is there to protect the glans of the penis
You: it's there to keep it moist
You: and protected
You: also teh foreskin has many nerve endings that provide pleasure
Stranger: I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm circumcised. Guess what? I'm protected just god damn fine sir and have led a perfectly normal healthy life
You: I'm no saying you haven't
Stranger: Your point that it has a purpose is silly though. I'm just as fine as any other person in that region
You: but it does have a purpose in the same way a clitoris has a purpose and labia have a purpose
Stranger: Yes but if I function completely fine without it's purpose is fairly useless is it not?
You: you can function with out your ear lobe does that mean we should cut it off at birth without consulting you?
Stranger: If it's culturally accepted than yes. It's fine
You: but shouldn't it be your choice
You: it is your body
Stranger: You're just being a turd in a punchbowl. You think just because the concept of human rights (which is fairly new in fact) should take precedence over what has been being done for thousands of years?
You: I'm not trying to convince you that you are a victim
Stranger: A victim? A victim of what?
Stranger: I don't feel victimized
You: slavery has be done for thousands of years
You: so that okay?
Stranger: That's not what I'm saying fuck head
You: why should old ideas not be questioned?
Stranger: Because unless they are morally reprehensible (and circumcision really is not) they don't need to be. You're making a problem where there inst one
Stranger: And i'd love to debate further but I'm going to sleep
Stranger: I'm a zebra... A HORNY ZEBRA
You: circumcision is bad!
Stranger: I like it
You: male circumcision should be illegal
Stranger: rhino did a good one on me
You: seriously though
You: circumcision is barbaric
Stranger: ha how so?
Stranger: It's a religious practice ass hole
You: i don't care if it's religious practice
You: why does it being a religious practice make it okay?
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: religious freedom doesn't mean you are free from child abuse laws
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: i don't have one
You: do you?
Stranger: No. But do you see me running around slamming people's relgious practices because of my opinion? No. No you don't
Stranger: *religious
You: do you condone female circumcision?
You: I only slam religious practices that harm people
You: i only slam religious practices done to people with out consent
Stranger: How does male circumcision harm someone? Circumcised men lead normal lives...
You: so do circumcised femals
You: females
Stranger: is that a question or a statement?
You: both
Stranger: You're a fucking moron...
You: i mean because what is normal
You: normal would be having a foreskin
You: but without the consent it was removed
Stranger: Normal is in the eye of the beholder...
Stranger: In the Jewish faith it is normal to have that
You: i think if you grow up and are an adult
You: you can decide to do it then
You: but if you are a child it's wrong to have it done to you
You: it's basically force on you
You: forced*
Stranger: Oh no I'm going to grow up and look minimally different than other people...
Stranger: That's your main problem it seems
You: no my main problem is that it's a human rights issue
You: and the human right is that you have a right to your body
You: having your ears pierced as a child is a minimal difference
Stranger: I still don't see your problem it's a religious practice with very little affect
You: the foreskin has a purpose
Stranger: Hahaha what's the purpose? Enlighten me?
You: it is there to protect the glans of the penis
You: it's there to keep it moist
You: and protected
You: also teh foreskin has many nerve endings that provide pleasure
Stranger: I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm circumcised. Guess what? I'm protected just god damn fine sir and have led a perfectly normal healthy life
You: I'm no saying you haven't
Stranger: Your point that it has a purpose is silly though. I'm just as fine as any other person in that region
You: but it does have a purpose in the same way a clitoris has a purpose and labia have a purpose
Stranger: Yes but if I function completely fine without it's purpose is fairly useless is it not?
You: you can function with out your ear lobe does that mean we should cut it off at birth without consulting you?
Stranger: If it's culturally accepted than yes. It's fine
You: but shouldn't it be your choice
You: it is your body
Stranger: You're just being a turd in a punchbowl. You think just because the concept of human rights (which is fairly new in fact) should take precedence over what has been being done for thousands of years?
You: I'm not trying to convince you that you are a victim
Stranger: A victim? A victim of what?
Stranger: I don't feel victimized
You: slavery has be done for thousands of years
You: so that okay?
Stranger: That's not what I'm saying fuck head
You: why should old ideas not be questioned?
Stranger: Because unless they are morally reprehensible (and circumcision really is not) they don't need to be. You're making a problem where there inst one
Stranger: And i'd love to debate further but I'm going to sleep
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Gay Male Body
http://thenewgay.net/2010/06/gay-body-fascism.html
After reading this article I have a few things to say about body image and the public discourse around it.
To work out doesn't mean that you have body dysmorphia, even if you do it solely to look a certain way.
People have the right to alter their appearance.
Blasting people who choose to work out and alter their appearance is the same as blasting people who don't work out.
To make the assumption that you can only be a really 'interesting' person on the inside or a person who cares about what they look like and thus work out is insane.
To say the only way someone could have big muscle is through steroids is sour grapes.
To say that the only acceptable reason someone could have to work out is for health reasons or improved athletic ability is misguided.
I'm not saying there is no issue here to talk about, I think we should continually talk about it. There are few things in this world that don't deserve constant questioning.
After reading this article I have a few things to say about body image and the public discourse around it.
To work out doesn't mean that you have body dysmorphia, even if you do it solely to look a certain way.
People have the right to alter their appearance.
Blasting people who choose to work out and alter their appearance is the same as blasting people who don't work out.
To make the assumption that you can only be a really 'interesting' person on the inside or a person who cares about what they look like and thus work out is insane.
To say the only way someone could have big muscle is through steroids is sour grapes.
To say that the only acceptable reason someone could have to work out is for health reasons or improved athletic ability is misguided.
I'm not saying there is no issue here to talk about, I think we should continually talk about it. There are few things in this world that don't deserve constant questioning.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
New Facebook Graffiti!! This time it didn't get deleted >:D!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
