Ugggh

I really haven't moved much from the first day I've been diagnosed. I hope being diagnosed hasn't fucked with my head. I really hope it hasn't. I hope knowing it hasn't made it stronger...

My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My team of therapists say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it try.

I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. I used to be productive and had goals I reached. But that was when things were more straight forward. Now I just try to survive and not be noticed.

Miuzak

Songs that I've been playing lots lately.

Bread Armageddon. JK Bread Rapture! :DDD

So lately I've been baking lots and lots of bread. French baguette dough specifically. It's been kinda good because it's something to do, but also it's a distraction, so that might not be the best. I've been kinda on the ball lately so that's good. But here I just thought the world might want to see some bread I've made :)

Too much information.

Preemptive apology for bad grammar and structure because I'm scared that if I don't get it all out I may forget something.

I'm pretty close on the brink of maxing out on how much information I'm able to take in. I'm following the podcasts Ben and Dave (gay culture interest)and more newly Flat 29. I am going through their archive The numerous things I'm subscribed to on youtube and all the things that those things link to. For example overseas soap operas that feature gay couples/story lines. Watching the X Factor, Top Chef: Just Desserts, and the Amazing Race. Reading everything on After Elton and everything that links to. It has daily articles and daily aggregates of news items that links to anywhere near to 20 to 40 items most of which I explore. Watching a radical feminist anti-pornography conference on google video. Watching many videos debates from Intelegence Squared US on their website. Watching Vampire diaries, Nikita, Glee, Raising Hope, Running Wilde, The Big Bang Theory, 90210, Law And Order : SUV, and Supernatural. Thinking of watching all of Six Feet Under and Mad Men. Keeping up on what's going on in Gay Male Porn. This involves downloading and organizing porn watching it and reading news about different porn companies and what the actors are up to on multiple blogs. To give you an Idea of how much porn I have, I have a 450 gb drive on my computer and it's at least 90% porn(even some straight porn weirdly as if I don't have my hands full with gay porn). A huge stack of books beside my bed. An insanely long list of old movies I feel like I should watch. Including Oscar nominated movies and movies recommended by Roger Ebert. Not to mention all the new movies that are coming out. Keeping up with fashion and model culture/news. Rewatching Buffy with my friend simultaneously over skype. Watching the oeuvre of which ever actor has taken my focus currently Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, and Patrick Wilson. My bookmark menu is a long chaos of doom and saved pages of things I feel like I should get back to and keep up with. A laptop full of porn I need to sort through because my computer is reaching capacity. The ever daunting task of seeking out help/treatment. A unencouraging family, not to be confused with an uncaring family or an unsupportive one. A desktop full of icons. Dozens of tabs demanding my attention from watching things, listening to things, reading things, or wanting me to download and save images of hot guys and archiving them.

I know I must be missing some things. Of all the shows and podcasts I think only about 2 of them are actually less than 40 minutes long. I've basically made it so that I have something to do at every single second. I've done this to distract myself from my life and actual problems and things I should be doing. And the worst part is that I don't want to leave here and no one is really trying or successfully getting me out of here.

I need to find something in me to help myself before 20 years pass by and I really am a lost cause.

The most suicidal I've ever felt.

Inception? More like insipid.

That movie sucks. It's hardly deep, revolutionary, or novel. Multitudes of internal logic fails. Not one but two lame long phrases repeated many times though out the movie. And most importantly, you don't give a damn if anyone gets what they want.

Am I Enough?

I always ask this. I guess I never know what is enough. Will I be happy if I'm buff and have muscles and lean and model-like as well as a super genius scientist pop star actor writer singer political activist all around mary sue? I don't think so. I don't know.

I say I want to change but I secretly just want to be able to do all of it. How can what I feel be such a disorder? How can I call it that? If it's such a part of me how can I be striving to destroy it? It feels so right to let it take control, intoxicating really.

Sitting here the thoughts in my head are so strong. I think of myself as some kind of tragic figure that will be a cautionary tale of some sort but then I realize that I'm no one and no one will care if I completely lose it, then I think I should be trawling through the blogs that I have open in the tens of tabs I have open so that I can read every post and save every picture of hot men, watch every video, I think I should stop everything I'm doing so that I can work out to look like those men, then I think my room needs to be reorganized, then I think I should watch all of the episodes of mad men and six feet under, listen to music... all of it everything and organize it and categorize which is good and which is bad then I think that all these thoughts are completely crazy and that realization of that is some how shocking, it feels like I just pulled out the stopper and all these feelings of loss and sadness escape out of that sucking wound threatening to crumple my chest inward take over and it hurts, and that letting it be true means I'm just wasting my life and it's all I could do to avoid it , avoid knowing it, then I know for sure that 4 fucking years in university are gone and useless, I'm not even out of first year,
and then
those feelings get sucked back into the vacuum,
out of my head and face and I'm still,
waiting
for these unreasonable thoughts take over again.