Triumphant Return

I have returned. I think I'm going to need this blog this term. I'm going to have to be more focused than I have been in a while. I'm really scared and I want to feel like there are people rooting for me. I don't know why it's better that it's random people from the internet but somehow it make me feel better. I guess we have a bias in taking strangers opinions as more objective because they don't know you and have no interest in lying to you to make you feel better. I guess in reality people who know you the best actually have the more objective opinion because they actually do know you and therefore judge you the best. On the other hand people who think they know you only know what you WERE like and what you HAD done in the past and generally stick to that idea of you, while people who don't know you have a clean slate and might see you for what you CAN be.

Same old shit. Purge , purge.

Soooo... I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of control. I feel like because I'm not a tall person I can never be sexy or attractive which in turn means I will never have a super attractive boyfriend. This is troubling in so many ways. Okay so lets tease it out. I feel like it's unfair that I'm not tall and I don't get a chance to be attractive. But there is no set attractive, but there is what society will think is attractive in general. And this idea of fair and correct is apart of control that I want to impose on everything. So I feel cheated while buying into socialized ideas of beauty which is silly of course. I also have scars on my body which makes me think that with every scar I'm more ugly and am worth less. But at the same time I do feel like I think other things are way more important like intelligence that for the most part is preset too. People who are smart will be smart and people attractive will be attractive. There are things that you can do to increase both of these things like stimulating the mind for intelligence and working out for beauty. I feel like I have the intelligence but I don't have what I feel to be beautiful. So I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough because I'll never be the super hot guy in magazines and tv. Sure I could work out but people always (in general) find the taller guy more attractive. I feel like I have an attractive face. Also I want to get my years back that I lost to ocd and depression. Can someone do that for me?

Maybe I'm going to be a super villain because the only way to feel okay about this is to drag everyone else down. Shattering the world seems fun, it's like when you see someone build a tower of blocks or they do their hair really nice you just want to mess it up. Gosh someone give me super powers already. I really really deserve them, honest!

test i wanna win that friggen phone

Where Did I Go?

So since I started this blog and since I have been diagnosed it's been over 4 years. Where did it all go. I was in school for a time and then I was in and out struggling with anxiety. Everyone keeps asking where I went.

"Hey I haven't seen you in ages you are never around anymore."
"Hey we should play sometime, where did you go?"

I don't really know what to do or what to say. Should I tell them? I don't have to but they are wondering why I am where I am and what I've been doing. Why I'm not close to finishing school yet. My youth stolen from me. I'm now banking on that I look young as to prolong my 'youth'.

I'm thinking about trying to audition for acting roles. I'm not sure I'm the best actor but I think I would be a great personality to be interviewed. Maybe I just want to not work that hard and just get paid for 'being me'. I think I could treat fame with an interesting take. I would do things in the public eye that I want to see celebrities do. So tangenty but I kinda want to know that people are saying. " oh I used to know that guy, what an ass face." I think I just have a fascination of what people think of me. I am infinitely interested in how people perceive each other and how that compared to what the person thinks of themselves, so when I hear about what people think about me it's easy to do that comparison and I find it really interesting.

Riddle: What is green, bitter, and full of hate?

So like a fool I did the one thing that triggers my bitter, bitter envy. I looked at the profiles of people on facebook that I don't know and look very pretty. I looked at them and their pretty and successful friends. Their happy picture mock me, "Look at what fun we have, look at the interesting parties we go to. We are much happier than you. You can't come in and play too. We only want others like ourselves. You can never be as happy or pretty as us. Never." Pretty,rich , white people attract and hang out with other pretty, rich, white people. How can I compete? I'm Asian, done nothing, gay, not rich, not muscular? How can I even play the game. I don't even get to play. People say it's confidence that I lack, and that I'm too self conscious. Is that true? Could that really be it? And I look at these people because I feel like they've won. And they say that I lack the confidence which implies I need to make up for my physical self to enter the inner circle that is the pretty white people. That is a dangerous assumption, that they are the goal. That they are higher than me. This is dangerous territory. I think my friend got it right. She's way smarter than me. Apathy is the way to go. Caring about things just makes you hurt. Gah I can't even say they are bad people. I hope they are bad people. That they are dark and twisted inside, that they have done horrible things, that they have no substance, that with their fading beauty their past sins will come back to eat them. The acid that burns bright green in my heart will chew their flesh and leave humble bones.

I need to find my goal. I need to find my calling soon. I can't be like this any longer. I don't know how long I can hold out for. I'm getting desperate. What do I value in life. What do I want. What will bring me satisfaction and the adulation I crave from others. How could this story ever end well? How can I shift my mind away from being perfect and not just believe in something else. Isn't that belief the same as the one I have now? I have nothing.

I need to delete all my porn. All the pictures on my computer. They bind me. I hold onto them too much. The objects in my life that I can't destory are the ones that control me the most.

How can I realize that their lives aren't perfect. That their lives are not something I want. That the people they are surrounded with are people that I wouldn't like. I know I wouldn't like them. I know these people. They bore me. But I want them. I've learned to want them. Why can't I let go. This is why I did it. Why I let him treat me like that. I thought I couldn't get any better, that I needed to seize the moment. I'm sick. I'm so sick and it's going to kill me.

I wish I was religious. Something to comfort me. To delude me. Dilute me. My heart can't take it. My battered psyche is being torn apart.

Can I say that it's okay because I'm smarter than them? Is that the point that I see things they don't. I see the trappings that they can't know. That is not the point is it? That's not how I become better. Not by convincing myself I am indeed better than them. To be become better I need to not care. I need to not think that I am above or below them. Indifference with an open mind and kind intentions. I need to just approach life and live it and do the things I want to do.

But what I really want right now is for the world to end. I can't even just want to die. I want everyone to die. I need everyone to suffer and die and feel as horrible as I do. I need everyone to feel the hollow feeling of their heart shriveling.

I need to stop telling people about my insecurities. It only furthers my distance from them. I thought it would make me relatable. It doesn't. People want to be with the people that I envy so much. The confident happy people. I'm not one of those people. I have to fake it. I have to fake it until I can get my foot in the door. I need to look inside. I need to know what I'm missing. I need to see. It's killing me not knowing what's inside. But is not know the only thing that is keeping me alive. What if I go in and see they are smart too, smarter than me even. What do I do then? I am out classed in all categories. How can I make myself feel worth living after that?

These are the thoughts I have on a Thursday night. I hope I don't wake up.

If you've never thought about killing yourself then you don't know how shitty the world is.

I don't want to play anymore, I don't like this game.

A few hot guys came into the store I work at. Oh yeah I'm working now. Take that AX!!! Having hot guys come into my store and me talking to them asking if they needed any help with shoes was not as fun as I thought. It just really made me feel bad about being gay and about liking guys I had no chance with. At least straight guys going for girls 'out of their league' still have a chance because they are guys and the girls are straight. Or like they could impress them by like working out a lot or by having a personality they like. I'm gay and only queer guys will like me and that pool of queer guys that like me and that I like and find attractive in my age group is pretty small. I feel pretty small. I felt like the creepy gay guy, the stereotype, the annoyance. It didn't feel good. I don't like it. At that point I felt really bad and was wishing that there were other queer people that worked at the store too and then in walked the new guy. He seemed gay,I hope he is gay, I tried to talk to him some and I'm going to work with him today too. I'm gonna try to friend him.

Ugggh

I really haven't moved much from the first day I've been diagnosed. I hope being diagnosed hasn't fucked with my head. I really hope it hasn't. I hope knowing it hasn't made it stronger...

My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My team of therapists say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it a try, but I really hate myself.

I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. I used to be productive and have goals I reached. But that was when things were more straight forward.

I hope this team of doctors can help me better this time. I'm hopeful. Hope is irrational but it's the key to surviving depression.

Ugggh

I really haven't moved much from the first day I've been diagnosed. I hope being diagnosed hasn't fucked with my head. I really hope it hasn't. I hope knowing it hasn't made it stronger...

My feelings inform my thoughts and my thoughts form my actions and my actions create feelings. My team of therapists say that I have to change my actions before I can change my thoughts and feelings. It makes sense. Basically 'fake it until you make it'. I should give it try.

I give way to much power to other people. Especially people on the internet. Why do I let their actions affect me so much. Why can't I blame them for being stupid and not myself? I need to stop watching people live their lives and start to live mine again. I used to be productive and had goals I reached. But that was when things were more straight forward. Now I just try to survive and not be noticed.

Miuzak

Songs that I've been playing lots lately.

Bread Armageddon. JK Bread Rapture! :DDD

So lately I've been baking lots and lots of bread. French baguette dough specifically. It's been kinda good because it's something to do, but also it's a distraction, so that might not be the best. I've been kinda on the ball lately so that's good. But here I just thought the world might want to see some bread I've made :)

Too much information.

Preemptive apology for bad grammar and structure because I'm scared that if I don't get it all out I may forget something.

I'm pretty close on the brink of maxing out on how much information I'm able to take in. I'm following the podcasts Ben and Dave (gay culture interest)and more newly Flat 29. I am going through their archive The numerous things I'm subscribed to on youtube and all the things that those things link to. For example overseas soap operas that feature gay couples/story lines. Watching the X Factor, Top Chef: Just Desserts, and the Amazing Race. Reading everything on After Elton and everything that links to. It has daily articles and daily aggregates of news items that links to anywhere near to 20 to 40 items most of which I explore. Watching a radical feminist anti-pornography conference on google video. Watching many videos debates from Intelegence Squared US on their website. Watching Vampire diaries, Nikita, Glee, Raising Hope, Running Wilde, The Big Bang Theory, 90210, Law And Order : SUV, and Supernatural. Thinking of watching all of Six Feet Under and Mad Men. Keeping up on what's going on in Gay Male Porn. This involves downloading and organizing porn watching it and reading news about different porn companies and what the actors are up to on multiple blogs. To give you an Idea of how much porn I have, I have a 450 gb drive on my computer and it's at least 90% porn(even some straight porn weirdly as if I don't have my hands full with gay porn). A huge stack of books beside my bed. An insanely long list of old movies I feel like I should watch. Including Oscar nominated movies and movies recommended by Roger Ebert. Not to mention all the new movies that are coming out. Keeping up with fashion and model culture/news. Rewatching Buffy with my friend simultaneously over skype. Watching the oeuvre of which ever actor has taken my focus currently Meryl Streep, Tilda Swinton, and Patrick Wilson. My bookmark menu is a long chaos of doom and saved pages of things I feel like I should get back to and keep up with. A laptop full of porn I need to sort through because my computer is reaching capacity. The ever daunting task of seeking out help/treatment. A unencouraging family, not to be confused with an uncaring family or an unsupportive one. A desktop full of icons. Dozens of tabs demanding my attention from watching things, listening to things, reading things, or wanting me to download and save images of hot guys and archiving them.

I know I must be missing some things. Of all the shows and podcasts I think only about 2 of them are actually less than 40 minutes long. I've basically made it so that I have something to do at every single second. I've done this to distract myself from my life and actual problems and things I should be doing. And the worst part is that I don't want to leave here and no one is really trying or successfully getting me out of here.

I need to find something in me to help myself before 20 years pass by and I really am a lost cause.

The most suicidal I've ever felt.

Inception? More like insipid.

That movie sucks. It's hardly deep, revolutionary, or novel. Multitudes of internal logic fails. Not one but two lame long phrases repeated many times though out the movie. And most importantly, you don't give a damn if anyone gets what they want.

Am I Enough?

I always ask this. I guess I never know what is enough. Will I be happy if I'm buff and have muscles and lean and model-like as well as a super genius scientist pop star actor writer singer political activist all around mary sue? I don't think so. I don't know.

I say I want to change but I secretly just want to be able to do all of it. How can what I feel be such a disorder? How can I call it that? If it's such a part of me how can I be striving to destroy it? It feels so right to let it take control, intoxicating really.

Sitting here the thoughts in my head are so strong. I think of myself as some kind of tragic figure that will be a cautionary tale of some sort but then I realize that I'm no one and no one will care if I completely lose it, then I think I should be trawling through the blogs that I have open in the tens of tabs I have open so that I can read every post and save every picture of hot men, watch every video, I think I should stop everything I'm doing so that I can work out to look like those men, then I think my room needs to be reorganized, then I think I should watch all of the episodes of mad men and six feet under, listen to music... all of it everything and organize it and categorize which is good and which is bad then I think that all these thoughts are completely crazy and that realization of that is some how shocking, it feels like I just pulled out the stopper and all these feelings of loss and sadness escape out of that sucking wound threatening to crumple my chest inward take over and it hurts, and that letting it be true means I'm just wasting my life and it's all I could do to avoid it , avoid knowing it, then I know for sure that 4 fucking years in university are gone and useless, I'm not even out of first year,
and then
those feelings get sucked back into the vacuum,
out of my head and face and I'm still,
waiting
for these unreasonable thoughts take over again.

Outreach on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: I'm a zebra... A HORNY ZEBRA
You: circumcision is bad!
Stranger: I like it
You: male circumcision should be illegal
Stranger: rhino did a good one on me
You: seriously though
You: circumcision is barbaric
Stranger: ha how so?
Stranger: It's a religious practice ass hole
You: i don't care if it's religious practice
You: why does it being a religious practice make it okay?
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: religious freedom doesn't mean you are free from child abuse laws
Stranger: what religion are you sir?
You: i don't have one
You: do you?
Stranger: No. But do you see me running around slamming people's relgious practices because of my opinion? No. No you don't
Stranger: *religious
You: do you condone female circumcision?
You: I only slam religious practices that harm people
You: i only slam religious practices done to people with out consent
Stranger: How does male circumcision harm someone? Circumcised men lead normal lives...
You: so do circumcised femals
You: females
Stranger: is that a question or a statement?
You: both
Stranger: You're a fucking moron...
You: i mean because what is normal
You: normal would be having a foreskin
You: but without the consent it was removed
Stranger: Normal is in the eye of the beholder...
Stranger: In the Jewish faith it is normal to have that
You: i think if you grow up and are an adult
You: you can decide to do it then
You: but if you are a child it's wrong to have it done to you
You: it's basically force on you
You: forced*
Stranger: Oh no I'm going to grow up and look minimally different than other people...
Stranger: That's your main problem it seems
You: no my main problem is that it's a human rights issue
You: and the human right is that you have a right to your body
You: having your ears pierced as a child is a minimal difference
Stranger: I still don't see your problem it's a religious practice with very little affect
You: the foreskin has a purpose
Stranger: Hahaha what's the purpose? Enlighten me?
You: it is there to protect the glans of the penis
You: it's there to keep it moist
You: and protected
You: also teh foreskin has many nerve endings that provide pleasure
Stranger: I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm circumcised. Guess what? I'm protected just god damn fine sir and have led a perfectly normal healthy life
You: I'm no saying you haven't
Stranger: Your point that it has a purpose is silly though. I'm just as fine as any other person in that region
You: but it does have a purpose in the same way a clitoris has a purpose and labia have a purpose
Stranger: Yes but if I function completely fine without it's purpose is fairly useless is it not?
You: you can function with out your ear lobe does that mean we should cut it off at birth without consulting you?
Stranger: If it's culturally accepted than yes. It's fine
You: but shouldn't it be your choice
You: it is your body
Stranger: You're just being a turd in a punchbowl. You think just because the concept of human rights (which is fairly new in fact) should take precedence over what has been being done for thousands of years?
You: I'm not trying to convince you that you are a victim
Stranger: A victim? A victim of what?
Stranger: I don't feel victimized
You: slavery has be done for thousands of years
You: so that okay?
Stranger: That's not what I'm saying fuck head
You: why should old ideas not be questioned?
Stranger: Because unless they are morally reprehensible (and circumcision really is not) they don't need to be. You're making a problem where there inst one
Stranger: And i'd love to debate further but I'm going to sleep

The Gay Male Body

http://thenewgay.net/2010/06/gay-body-fascism.html

After reading this article I have a few things to say about body image and the public discourse around it.

To work out doesn't mean that you have body dysmorphia, even if you do it solely to look a certain way.

People have the right to alter their appearance.

Blasting people who choose to work out and alter their appearance is the same as blasting people who don't work out.

To make the assumption that you can only be a really 'interesting' person on the inside or a person who cares about what they look like and thus work out is insane.

To say the only way someone could have big muscle is through steroids is sour grapes.

To say that the only acceptable reason someone could have to work out is for health reasons or improved athletic ability is misguided.

I'm not saying there is no issue here to talk about, I think we should continually talk about it. There are few things in this world that don't deserve constant questioning.

New Facebook Graffiti!! This time it didn't get deleted >:D!!!!

This time I didn't get fucked over :D Sweet right?

Pictures or it isn't real :)

I've become really weird about blogs. You can't really trust them unless they have pictures of the person. So many just seem like a fake person who likes attention.

Another ONe? GET OUT!

Amazingly, I had the power to do another after the marathon that was the three men.